Gratitude, Perspective and Dealing With Unpleasant Feedback

I’ve been slammed at work and with energetic attacks today.  I’ve been mulling over a “Heavy” article I want to publish.  In the meantime, I’ve been receiving a lot of feedback on my “Confessions of a Narcissist” article.  I’ve been blown away by the tremendous support I’ve received, both from friends and people I don’t know.

In this work, what makes my day isn’t so much hearing “I enjoy reading your stuff.”  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate readers who enjoy my writing and I like the positive feedback very much.  I’m grateful for all my readers.  But what really impacted me was the number of people who told me they resonated with my share, how it impacted them and helped them to move through their own experience. 

Because that’s what this is about for me – making an impact.  I had a couple people tell me how they’d been labeled with the “N-word” and went through their own process of reflection.  In hearing their stories and their process of reflection, it’s clear to me this word is being thrown about rather recklessly.  These people are so NOT sociopathic – in fact they’re doing more work to show up as a positive force in the world than 99% of the people out there, most likely including their former partners who are busy pointing fingers.

So I’m honored that my experience is helping other good people in their own journey to betterment.  Thank you.  I gave up blogging when I felt like I wasn’t doing anything positive, that nobody cared.  In looking back, the times my blogging felt disconnected was when I was moving away from my truth and talking out of my ass, or when I devolved into gossip or flame-throwing.  More than ever, it’s critical I stay focused on my purpose.

And I realize I’m not at all alone as being someone whose been handed a serious label and engaged in some deep reflection.  I’m grateful for that process, and I highly encourage every person who is serious about awakening and evolving to take every opportunity to shine light on their shadows, to look fearless into every corner of themselves.

At the same time, I feel compelled to also offer some perspective.  Don’t beat yourself up because someone gave you a label.  That label isn’t you, it’s that other person’s shadow being thrown at you.  If someone calls you a sociopath, and your first response is to inquire within and seek to grow and better yourself, you’re NOT a sociopath – in fact you’re probably light years ahead of most people in terms of growth.

These reflections aren’t about taking other people’s crap.  In relationships that don’t work out, there are always two people responsible (unless it’s a poly relationship, in which case it’s the number equal to the number in the relationship, but let’s not complicate things).  The minute one person decides to blame the other and assume victim status, that person has decided to stop growing.  Just because someone accuses you of being something doesn’t mean you need to do anything with that except treat it as feedback. 

Feedback is useful (to some degree or other); labels are bullshit.  If you catch yourself pointing fingers, that’s your bullshit and you need to cut that out and look at what you’re avoiding.

The best advice I can give when faced with a hopelessly judgmental ex is, first, disengage completely.  Stay away from the toxic crap.  Second, understand it’s the other person’s shadow – this person is processing their own disappointment and suffering and is not perfect.  Third, gain understanding – both of yourself (reflecting on the feedback) and your former partner.  Seek to find that place where you can accept that we are all on our path and doing the best we can.  We are all imperfect and a relationship that doesn’t work out is not a failure unless you refuse to learn from it. 

So reflect fearlessly, take full responsibility, make the changes to create the life you truly want, but don’t take other people’s crap.  At the end of the day, don’t beat yourself up – simply choose a better path and start walking.

And know you’re not alone.  This has been a big awakening for me, and I’m sure it is for many others.  There are many other good people walking a similar path – no matter how isolated you feel, we are all connected.

And thank you again for reminding me why I’m doing this work.

With Love,

Uthaithani