Confessions of a Narcissist

I haven’t done much in the way of personal shares since I put this up – too much inspiration flowing through to settle in and actually talk about my journey and what’s coming up.  But I’ve had a chance to take a *little* breath and then something came up today that I had to sit with.

I stumbled across something on social media – one of my ex-wives posted a message on my other ex-wife’s social media about a link to an Anti-Narcissist crusader page.  And, well, I sat with that. 

I know in my prior years I was full of ego and would have immediately rushed into defensive mode, try to “plead my case” to myself.  There was some of that, but very little.  Mostly I just sat with it.

What first came up was a lot of curiosity.  I checked out the web page and some information – interesting but not all that helpful.  Part of me wants to talk about this as well, but again, go back to sitting with it.  What else comes up?

Well, of course I start asking “what if it’s true?”  And there’s a lot of behavior that certainly matches the bad behavior of the hopelessly abusive personality, so let’s keep diving and see what comes up.  Yes, I’ve certainly behaved badly in a number of relationships.  There are a lot of things that match, and a lot that don’t. 

What seems to be at the heart of this personality is total lack of empathy and compassion.  And there have certainly been moments – far too many – in my life where I’ve felt my reservoir of empathy and compassion was almost dry for certain people.  Not everyone, but I’m not sure if this therapist is concerned about the Narcissist’s entire life, just the toxic connection with the client. 

Her solution, interestingly, is one I completely agree with – disengage completely from the toxic relationship.  I agree this is the most powerful step one can take.  After that, the next most powerful step would be to completely release the relationship energetically and emotionally.

And as I thought about this, I felt sadness. First of all, the two wives I ended up being really unhappy with (and making really unhappy in the process) are obviously still unhappy.  They’re hanging out as friends, swapping stuff like this.  And in one case, we separated *14 years ago.*

I suppose if I was a true narcissist, my ego would feel good that my exes were still this hung-up on me, analyzing my personality and all that.  I don’t.  I wish that they would both be so happy with their own lives, and find love and joy and satisfaction, and not give me so much as a second thought, apart from necessary child-care conversations.  (Apparently this heartfelt wish means I’m “not a Narcissist,” according to the therapist – W00T!)

But they haven’t healed.  I don’t think there’s much I can do on my end to help them let go.  All I can do is what I’ve been doing – accept responsibility, find those places of darkness and release them, find and build my reservoir of love, and go forth living a better life.

I’ve spent a lot of time, money and energy focusing on growing out of the cycle of misery I’d created for myself and others.  Far from spending my time blaming others, I’ve been looking deep inside.  And the results have been amazing – I’ve opened up all kinds of channels, healed old wounds, found the places I wasn’t loving myself and have become a much more loving, compassionate, peaceful person.

I’ve been carrying a lifetime of unprocessed pain that I’d been dumping on people I loved in the form of fear and anger.  And the most difficult part of this (but also the most rewarding) has been finding compassion for my ex-wives.  There’s so much anger, pain, shame, TONS of projection, guilt, fear, worry and sadness. 

It’s still a process.  I’m still healing.  It’s easy to stay in the tit-for-tat battle, especially when the fights come up.  And yah, it hurts and it seems unfair that I’m being labelled like this.  I know in my heart these labels are not true and part of me just wants to reject their BS and wash my hands of it all.

But that’s where we stop growing, right at that point where we say “that’s it, I’m outta here.”

Instead, stay with it.  Yes, I caused these two people a lot of pain and suffering.  And no, they didn’t deserve it, and that isn’t who I am and what I’m about.  But I caused a fucking mess, and if something doesn’t change in me, this is all I’ll have to show for my life.  So do I want to be the Fuckup, or the Man Who Fucked Up and Changed for the Better?  Because I either learn from what I did wrong or it owns me.

And deep down, of course, as I go through this, I see it’s all a projection.  My fear and anger lack of love is how I’ve been feeling toward myself.  At some level I didn’t feel worthy of love and hated myself, and it has come out in all kinds of ways – shyness, relationships with people I’m not attracted to, jealousy, anger, self-destructive behavior – but that’s the “what.”  The “why” is a belief that I was irreparably damaged and an unworthy soul who didn’t deserve to be on this earth.

And turning that light inward (the Buddhist teaching), noticing the reflection comes from within, observing the Law of Cause and Effect (so funny that they both feel threatened by my becoming Buddhist, it’s changed my life so much for the better), has been difficult.  Very scary.  And also deeply rewarding.

The big turning point lately was when my higher self told me “you’re not going to hell, it’s okay.”  Shortly after I uprooted an entity in me that had been sabotaging me since birth.  And after that, the panic went away and I felt compassion – for my exes, for the women in my life I’ve hurt, for everyone I’ve hurt, for myself.

I didn’t go on this journey to “get laid” (at first I thought I did, but “Pick-Up” never really inspired me, apart from the “helping guys who are suffering” part – I remember literally nothing), or to be really good in bed (again, thought so, but that’s when I thought I had to be extraordinary to even exist on this planet).  There’s always been something deeper – not just to heal, but to use my learning to guide others, to make the world a better place.

And I don’t know, maybe part of that is saving some “lost souls” that the world is saying can’t be saved.  In my journey I’ve seen some amazing things, some remarkable transformations.

I’ve learned I’m far bigger than my ego wanted me to believe, with a big heart and far more empathy for the suffering of others than I wanted to believe.  Sometimes it’s too much. 

So yah, I care that my exes think I’m this evil monster.  First, because as much as I wish it didn’t, it hurts.  But mostly because it reminds me they’re still very much hurting after all this time.  And that if I’d resolved my own problems earlier in life, all that pain and suffering could have been avoided.  I wouldn’t have married them (because I’d understand myself better and choose more wisely), and I wouldn’t have dragged them through my personal hell.

And as much as my ego can’t stand it, it hurts to see them suffer.  My first ex is still angry toward a babysitter she believes injured our son (at this point, I’m not at all convinced that woman did anything wrong), and it pains me she refuses to let go.  And that’s my karma, too – if I’d honored my heart’s desire, none of that suffering would have ever happened, she and I would have gone our separate ways as strangers and been happy.  So I have to own that, too.

So I don’t know if I was ever really the “Narcissist” I’ve been labeled (but makes for a splashy title, no?), but yah, I’m the guy who fucked up big-time.  And it sucks.  Along the way I’ve met many people who have seen into my heart and saw the beauty that shines inside, only to get pummeled by my shadow.  Some of them stuck with me through it all.  And now I see it too, and it’s the light that guides me forward.

I’ve dug deep and looked into every dark place inside I can find.  It sucks, but it hasn’t been in vain.  I chronicle these journeys because I also have the power to stop the wheel of suffering, for myself and others.

And if there’s anything I can do to help people realize their highest potential, to love fully, to shine – so they’re giving the world light instead of spreading more pain around – that’s what I’m here to do.