Reflections of a New Me

This is a milestone moment for me and I’ve been engaging in some reflection over my life. I realize everything works in harmony, so trying to isolate aspects is difficult.  Particularly what I’ve been examining is my relationship with “evolution” and “self-improvement.” Over the past fifteen years it’s been an important aspect of my life. 

People who knew me well – and this was a long time ago when I made some really poor life decisions in my partnership and career out of college – could see I was way off track.  I’m not sure why I did what I did back then.  Looking back it seems like another person was making those decisions, one I don’t recognize today. Those decisions caused a lot of suffering in my life and others. 

At some point I gave up my stubbornness and acknowledged things were very out of alignment in my life.  And that’s when I began going deep into various forms of evolution and self-improvement.  I also had to pretty much start over with creating my life, as the life I’d created was hopelessly out of alignment.

And for a while, the “self-improvement” was working.  My career and personal life got much better.  Things weren’t perfect, but I was far more in alignment.

Then for a while I gave it all up and fell back into some really poor relational, career and life habits. And this time the setbacks really worked me over.

I went through a period where I reconnected with evolution and self-improvement, but I wasn’t really doing anything with it.  It seems like all I could do to keep my head above water.  My self-esteem had taken some really big blows that even showed up in my physical body in the form of life-constraining injuries. And it wasn’t one thing, it was everything – life was really kicking my ass.

Looking back it seemed I was using “evolution” as a form of escape.  But I don’t think that’s true.  I had a relapse of the self-defeating pattern that had me going badly off-track out of college and this time my spirit needed all the help it could get to survive. 

I did survive, but it took a very long time to recover.  And by then the forces who were fighting to keep me on that disastrous, out-of-alignment path were strong. There were external forces – people and things that wanted to see me stay disempowered – as well as internal ones, mind viruses and energetic implants. 

Somehow, even in those dark moments, my soul knew everything was going to be okay.  I suffered a lot of stress and worry, but I kept persevering.  And I continued to dedicate myself to evolution and self-improvement, despite the fact most external evidence pointed to things not showing any improvement and my internal structures were fractured and taking a long time to heal.  I kept returning to that core, and building brick by brick.

And I completely rebuilt my life.  I stopped listening to my mind and followed my intuition and heart.  And things changed for the better – a lot better.  And this change was at a foundational level.

There’s been a period of time over the past I’ll say year or so where there was a lot of inner growth but externally it looked very boring and nothing was changing.  But I kept with it.  Then recently a lot of things shifted and suddenly things started manifesting in the outside world and it looks like – wow, all of a sudden your life has gotten a whole lot better.  But not really.  It took a year to build the energetic foundation and vanquish the old, to establish the root before growth would show up on the surface.

And one aspect of this shift was that I said goodbye to a lot of the external “evolution” and “self-improvement” structures.  The coaching wasn’t serving me.  In fact it was now counterproductive.  It wasn’t always a trap, but it became one.  It’s like an egg.  The chicken needs the egg to grow, but then needs to break the shell and come out on its own. 

And I’ve internalized the structures I need, including how to find the resources I need to get to the next steps.  So I look back at fifteen-plus years of being deeply immersed in the “evolution/ self-improvement” communities and think – damn, that’s a long time to reprogram myself, and what do I have to show for it?

Well, in one sense, maybe not much.  But in another, I fundamentally altered my life at a molecular level.  I was a completely different person out of college than I am now.  And I don’t want anything to do with that old self.  The habits, the thoughts, the beliefs, the behavior patterns, all have changed.  My career looks nothing like then, completely different.  My relationship is something I wouldn’t have imagined for myself then. 

And now I start reintegrating things from “way back then” that I still like – hobbies and interests – but from a much different place and with a different feel. And it doesn’t feel new, it’s more like the old way feels completely foreign.  I’m not that old me and there’s no connection, no way to go back.  So I can bring back memories and things from that period without any of the attachments.

Who was I in high school?  Who was I in college?  Who was I at 25 or even 30?  I don’t know.  I don’t care.  That isn’t me. Somehow the cords got completely cut and the entire person has been regenerated into someone completely different. 

Now it feels like I’m waking up into this new person.  I’m experiencing a lot of openness, freedom and happiness.  The anxieties are receding. The “Fear of Missing Out” that was permeating my thought patterns has been replaced with acceptance. I’m okay not-doing, and I’m okay examining things to see if it’s something I want to choose to do.  But doing nothing is perfectly fine now, it doesn’t bother me.  I feel at peace.

Which ironically leaves more space to actually do something. 

Thoughts As I Struggle with Meditation

It’s all about presence and stillness.  And every time I start thinking there’s something else, I’m reminded yet again that it’s all about presence and stillness.

I used to think the people who focused on meditation as the answer to everything were escapists.  And some of them truly are, because they’ve transformed a practice into a lifestyle, thus defeating the entire purpose of the practice. 

When I began going deep into meditation and stillness around the fall of 2016, letting go of unhealthy connections and radically simplifying my life, part of me thought I was escaping, too.  Because part of me was. 

When I began my practice, I wasn’t all-in.  I’m still not.  I’ve come a long way, and the results are striking, but it’s a journey.  There are still a lot of parts of me that get bored, distracted and bring up the low self-esteem negative talk that pulls me out of presence and into anxiety and fear. And there’s plenty of confirmation out there that I’m being boring and “not doing anything,” because I’m not out there on social media bragging about all the stuff I’m doing like everyone else.  But that’s just more proof of the problem, and the problem isn’t my practice, it’s the patterns that pull me and everyone else out of practice.

Despite all this, it gets better.  I find more stillness, I find more openness, I find more energy for the things in my life that truly matter, and less tolerance for the things in my life that don’t.  Things are changing – maybe more slowly than I’d like – for the better.

The sessions themselves are getting more powerful – my personal deepening is opening up my alchemy.

Sometimes it seems like it’s an uphill battle and the hill keeps going.  I always knew I was pretty uptight, but I didn’t know challenging it is to loosen and let go.  It should be easy, right?  You sit and do nothing.  I’ve been doing this for a long time.  And sometimes I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water.  Yes, it’s getting better.  Yes, it really is at the heart of the answers to my problems and the path for growth.  And yet it feels like – well, I should be better at this by now.

And there’s that ego again.  Comparing. Judging.  And the negative voice – why is it always saying I’m doing stuff poorly or things aren’t going well?  I never hear it say positive things, yet a lot of good things happen regularly in my life.  I actually have a really good life.  Not everything I want, but it’s good.  And yet that inner voice is sooooooo negative.  I guess there’s something deeper that is more positive and keeps me going forward.  But that negative inner voice – damn that thing is annoying and tiresome.

So I keep going.  I keep going deeper.  It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and yes, I am feeling more relaxed and open in my energy.  Despite the fact I’m inconsistent in my practice, despite my still having a very long ways to go, despite my negative inner voice and nervous tendencies.

I keep going.  I keep getting up – or sitting down – and meditating, again and again. I keep clearing and letting go.  And somewhere inside, under the constant negative chatter, there is something that understands my inner goodness and personal power, and keeps me going. I don’t give up, and it gets better.  I get better.  My life gets better.

Yes, it is all about presence and stillness.  It’s a practice.  I’m still working at it. And even though I think I’m not that good at it, it’s still working.

It is Done. California's Spiritual Community Will Die

California is in the midst of an energetic mess that began in the 1960s as has reached a point of crisis today.  In the Sixties, large groups of people used concepts such as “energy healing,” “spirituality,” “Tantra,” and similar concepts basically for no other reason than to justify their own selfish behavior and need for ego inflating.  There was nothing even remotely spiritually connected about what they were doing – they just wanted to assuage their guilt for disappointing their WWII-veteran parents by avoiding a way and so they came up with a diversion.

The Vietnam War ended, but the diversion remained, glorified by a handful of people who wanted to keep the party going.  Then a new generation came along – mine – who was too young to have any connection with Vietnam and so had no first-hand experience with the obvious sham that was “spirituality” in California.  Most of us didn’t buy it, but enough did (augmented by the Dungeons and Dragons zeitgeist among the nerdy elements) that it took on a life of its own.

Then came new generations, and finally Millennials – who know only the BS carbon-copy and have zero historical context.  And they actually believe this crap.  Meanwhile the original parents of this nonsense have been repeating their lies so often they now actually believe their own BS (or they’re in the throes of early-stage Alzheimer’s brought on by years of overuse of “healthy” drugs like marijuana and LSD and so literally forgot that it’s all a joke).

So now we have a situation where millions of people believe they are learning ancient traditions from thousands of years ago when it comes to energy, spirituality, Tantra and healing, when they’re really just learning recycled bullshit passed down by California hippies from the 1960s.  It’s all bullshit.  Just pot smoke and mirrors.

Meanwhile a real energetic change is happening.  So there is this schism – the energy of the deluded hippies and their offspring, which is hopelessly corrupted (because it’s founded on complete BS) and the real cosmic energetic changes going on.

This is all complicated further because most people can see the hippies are full of shit, that Burning Man is nothing but an excuse for people to take drugs and fuck, and has ZERO to do with spirituality, and that this “energy” crap as the hippies talk about it is just a lie.  And as a result, most of these people also reject the VERY REAL energetic structures and shifts taking place.  Because is California spirituality is bullshit, then it stands to reason it’s all BS.

And so California has reached a point of crisis.  Energies are shifting very quickly, but almost nobody will pay attention.  A good portion are mired in delusion and the rest are in full rejection of everything.  It’s gotten to the point where, in order for anyone to be healed, pretty much the entire California-based (which included Boulder, Sedona, and every other ‘New Age’ community around) ‘healing community’ will need to be pulled out from the roots and thrown away.

And this is what has now happened, at least the beginning. I met with the council of archangels earlier this week, who were assembled along with the spiritually-aligned healers (good luck finding them, they’re nothing like the hippie stereotype).  They summoned me to help attune the alignment of California’s spiritual energy with Source.  I wasn’t aware I was even capable of this, much less the one person whose help they needed.

Keep in mind I didn’t generate the actual alignment, that was done by others.  My job was a more specific function.  But essential. The energy is now perfectly aligned. They created for me an energetic shield to protect me and others from the energetic storm that is beginning to brew.

Wednesday night and early Thursday morning it rained.  It never rains here this time of year.  And there wasn’t a storm system associated with the rain, the energy  shift created a weather pattern.

When I was summoned I was pulled through three wormholes and ended up in on a planet in a different universe.  On this planet the animals and foliage is enormous.  Our entire meeting group assembled comfortably on a small leaf on a plant in a vast forest – and most of the participants were ten feet tall, including myself.  Including guards, attendants and a military garrison, there were probably a thousand beings, and even those on the farthest perimeter couldn’t see to the edge of the leaf with the naked eye.  No life forms that live on that planet are above the second density. 

It’s a really nice place, it’s said to be the most energetically secure planet of any known universe, mostly because it’s so far removed from the areas of conflict.  Settlement by any beings above second density is strictly prohibited, as is soul disposal, though I’m not sure who if anyone is actually enforcing that prohibition (best not to find out the hard way).

This is my first experience of interdimensional soul travel.  It’s pretty mind-blowing. My body was still there in my bedroom.  I’d notice I was shifting in my sitting position, and even at one point conversing with my wife, all while I was engaged in this extremely important activity.

At the end of this meeting I was told that I needed to step up and take my place as a leader.  I have spent most of my life living in self-doubt and anxiety and I was told this was to protect me.  But now it was time to let go of my childish attachment to such things and assume my place of leadership. 

I’m still wrapping my head around all this.  Another major phase is supposed to happen this weekend.  Maybe as early as tonight.