From Off the Grid - New Self, New Powers

I experienced a massive energetic expansion and attunement during my last session with Etienne.  I mean HUGE – integrating all kinds of energetic superpowers.  Then I went on a week vacation, completely free from the Internet or anything, in the mountains with family, far away from everything.

At one point I felt the presence of a guardian of the earth in the rock at a place on the river I was fishing with my son.  I was called to awaken the guardian and repair his chakras, which I did. 

Most of the time during the day I was busy, and at night I was exhausted and just slept.  One night I was woken up and compelled to meditate, to complete the integration of the new powers.  Another night I struggled with old worries.

It always feels relaxing and centering being in nature, and particularly being around water and fishing.  It’s like a reset button on my life.  And after the energetic shake-up, it was just what I needed to usher in a radical transformation.  Shake up and expand my energy, then change my environment and center my physical self.

Out in the woods I found activating and cleansing my energetic body below to be easy.  Here at home grounding my energy is tremendously difficult, but at “home” in the mountains, it’s second nature.  It certainly didn’t hurt that I was surrounded by my family.

At some point during the trip my old thoughts, emotions and habits separated from my newly-evolved self.  It was like I was observing myself thinking and acting as I used to, but it no longer felt like me energetically.  I would feel irritated about little things (one thing, really – people getting in my way), but then this higher self would observe from a different perspective.

At one point, I felt like my old life was completely gone.  Then I noticed the worrying pattern reemerging, but from this place of observing.  Things were very different, but there was also a disconnection, a lack of integration of the new energy.

I came home and felt completely different.  I announced I’m not the same person, and I’m not.  Everything that truly mattered to me was there in the mountains – my son, my wife, my family, connection to earth and spiritual energy.  If I’d been able to write, that would be everything I need. 

I don’t want to be poor later in life.  I’d like to have a comfortable level of income and wealth to not have to ever worry.  But I intend to live a very simple life.  There are many things I have and do now that I only do because either they entertain my son or I “need” for work or family obligations (car, cable TV).  Part of me has felt resentful that I spend very little on myself, but I see things differently now.  I’m happier not spending money on stuff.  I’m much happier not running around doing things I have to in order to serve things that don’t matter.

My work is good, but worrying about it?  Makes no sense.  I’m spending energy on something that doesn’t matter.  Worrying about my exes?  Same silliness.  My family is what’s important – what other people think and do doesn’t matter one bit.  Yet it’s those “things that don’t matter” that worry me the most.  Which is the message the observer is trying to tell me – those things don’t matter.

I come home – or my normal place of living – and feel my powers growing.  I have new superpowers, and a powerful new container in which to house them.  I’m ready to step into this new me, and it’s going to be an awesome new phase of my life.

Back On The Grid

The view from the log cabin. Beautiful. 

I had an amazing energetic awakening and attunement from Etienne Charland and then went for a week in the mountains off the grid with my family. During this trip I had no Internet, integrated more powers, awoke and healed an earth guardian lying dormant in the rocks on the San Gabriel River, and hit the reset button. 

I'm a new man. I knew I wasn't the same after my session with Etienne, but then a week away from everything but the things I truly love while I integrated changed everything. I even picked up some crystals for my son and me on the way back. 

Nothing is this same. Life will continue in similar fashion in a lot of ways but nothing is the same. I see my habits from a detached point of view and have new superpowers. Everything is different now. I've awakened from the fog. 

Moving Through the Fire - Energetic Resistance and Growth

I’m really glad I vented here last night.  It’s important that I be very honest with how I am feeling in the moment, not with trying to fit into a narrative that I’m “evolving” with every day better than the one before.

Some days suck.  And that’s valuable.

And yes, there is value in the emotions of anger, frustration, sadness, stuck-ness.  All valuable.  There is even value in my not getting much sleep last night and feeling very off-center this morning.

Even more so because I experience these feelings without getting sucked into the story.  Instead of getting sidetracked into a false narrative about “why I feel such-and-such,” or going into judgment-shame over my feeling, I actually felt it. 

I called upon the archetypes to remove the stories, to remove the shame and judgment around what I’m feeling, so I could feel this energy fully.  I focused on what I’m actually feeling in my body, instead of assigning it a label.  And I noticed how it changed. 

And this additional awareness is a huge gift.  Well worth getting a crappy night’s sleep last night and feeling cranky this morning. 

The causes of my energy getting stuck has nothing to do with the energy being angry or painful, it’s mostly expectations and shame.  If I feel anger or fear and believe “I’m not supposed to feel this because I’m this evolved person,” then things get stuck and it’s very difficult to clear out as long as the emotions and expectations are in conflict.

Or I feel fear or anxiety, and shame around that feeling – judging myself a bad person for experiencing feelings instead of getting curious about the feelings. And the shame creates its own pain and habit cycle.

So last night and this morning, I focused on the feelings.  I let go of the story, the projections, the shame, the distractions.  And I felt.  It wasn’t comfortable, and I am really tired from not sleeping, but this is what I needed.  I needed to feel, really feel.  I needed to open up the space in my energy I’d been habitually clamping, suppressing, denying and judging. 

Because here’s the truth – nobody is making me feel bad.  Nobody is making me stressed, or angry, or ashamed, or anything.  It’s me doing it to myself, then trying to deny it by coming up with a story, someone else to blame.  But it’s me.  And it’s usually because I’ve denied myself the space to just feel.

And initially, stretching and opening this space feels uncomfortable.  It takes time and effort to develop a new habit. But it’s exactly what I needed.  Last night, I embraced my negative feelings.  And this morning, I felt.  And I asked the archetypes to help open the channels more, to replace the old habits of distraction, story and shame with new, empowering habits. 

And it feels really good. 

Now, in the midst of this “my energy is stuck, everything sucks” attitude, let me tell you what’s come up:

I’ve experienced a MASSIVE opening in my writing.  After over a year of doing absolutely nothing, I started writing my novel.  And after about the same amount of time doing nothing with Destin Gerek’s book, we have come up with a game plan to move forward and complete the book.

Yah, that’s a really big deal.  And I’m sure the major resistance that kept me from writing this long manifested itself in the energetic crap I’ve experienced over the past two days.  I’m operating in direct conflict to some pretty strong forces. 

So yah, just like I said, evolution isn’t all wonderful.  Sometimes it sucks.  It sucks because we have forces inside fighting against our progress.  But taking the time to work through them while moving forward it the pathway to a whole new life and one’s true path.  So yah, kind of a really big deal.  And apart from being exhausted and still feeling tense, I’m grateful for the challenge.

Crap Day

Just found out I got ripped off - again.  Ugh.

Kind of a shit day overall. Stress at work - some asshole trying to renege and steal our deposit. Financial stress. Energetic attacks all over. 

Oddly the only thing not crappy is that I started again on my novel, got four pages in. Haven't written since 2015 and even then not much. So of course the universe rewards me with extra bullshit. 

Even the call with Etienne that I carved out my week to do got cancelled after the fact. Now I'm going to wake up early tomorrow, deal with stupid ex, then get ready for this trip I'm already pissed about because I feel ripped off. 

Fuck me. 

Yah, I'm supposed to be all peaceful and centered all the time and put up this front. Fuck that. It's bullshit. Everyone gets upset, everyone has bad days. Why pretend it's all wonderful and peaceful all the time? 

Yah I get pissed sometimes. And sad. And discouraged. Not every day is awesome. That doesn't mean my life sucks, I love my life. But no, I DON'T have everything handled, and everything isn't always great all the time. I don't dwell on it, but fuck it, shit comes up and I don't always deal with it as Peaceful Buddha. 

Sometimes I feel annoyed. Or angry. Or scared. Or disappointed. Now I feel tired, bored, frustrated, stressed and angry. And you know what? I don't feel like sitting quietly and letting these feelings pass like some psychic flatulance. Somethings been not right for a while and I've been ignoring it. Maybe this pissed off and tired feeling can guide me to the source of the bullshit so I can get rid of it, instead of saying mantras and pretending nothing's wrong. 

Weekend Update: Values Confilicts, Energetic Attacks and Change

From Saturday, July 9 -

These past couple days have been very difficult energetically.  I feel a very heavy, sad energy.  It feels a little bit like ennui, loneliness, fatigue and depression all rolled into one heavy ball of energetic shit.

It started yesterday and I haven’t been able to shake it.  I didn’t want to get up this morning, and when I did I felt really cranky and irritable.  I went to the temple and worked out at the gym for a long time, and now I’m back in that funk.

I checked in with my archetype and he said this is my mind trying to deal with the latest spiritual death, this is part of the energetic transition.  There are unresolved values conflicts and things that need to be integrated and it just takes time.

I said it feels like I felt when I was really unhappy in my last marriage, that same shit feeling.  He said it’s not much different, except I have awareness now this is a feeling that will go away, instead of identifying with it or blaming it on my environment.  And now I have a more loving and supportive wife to help me.

But it sucks.  Everything feels off.  I feel angry for no reason and I hate how this energy is affecting my mood and interaction with the world.  Meditation doesn’t seem to be helping, I just feel more irritable.  And it’s very thick, sticky energy that’s taking a long time to move through my system – more acute anger will cycle through very quickly, this seems to plan on sticking around for a long time.

I want to be alone but I sense being alone is contributing to the problem.

Then July 10 – I felt an opening.  I felt MUCH better, but still this disconnect, like my life doesn’t feel “real.” And it’s because it isn’t.  I haven’t aligned and integrated my life with my core truth, so things still feel “off.”  I realize though it’s just going to take time.  On the upside, I slept much better and my mood is considerably better.

Now today – I’m finally starting to integrate the awakening energy, and understand the internal conflicts going on inside me.  My core truth is in conflict with some deep-seeded emotional patterns, habits and personal beliefs.  Now my truth is openly challenging these patterns and habits, which is both confronting and exciting – real change is happening and I can see it now, understand some of it logically.

Just today, things came up.  My core truth was speaking out against my patterns of how I look at women, and my internal reactions.  And it’s cool, because my core truth is totally right.  But now, when the pattern comes up, there’s a thought that calls it out and points out how silly this pattern is.  “Oh, look, a moderately attractive woman looked at me with a facial expression.  Quick, dump some chemicals into my body and adjust my opinion of myself.”  Of course this inspires laughter (or at least amusement).  It won’t take long for this anti-pattern to dissolve the pattern and align me with my truth. 

Another example – a reaction to Black Lives Matter blocking the freeway.  Before I’d launch into us-versus-them reaction, but this time I was able to stand in my full truth – full support of human life and calling out the bullshit of this George Soros group blocking freeways, which is also supporting human life.

And then today – reading yet another arrogant jackass article by someone who claims to be “awakened.”  My habit pattern was to say “fuck all of you” and just be done with my work with Destin, but this is exactly what the negative forces want.  So instead I actually found my foothold and said  - no, I’m staying right here where I am, in my truth.  And I’ll have nothing to do with this kind of crap behavior from so-called “evolved” people.  I don’t have to take it on, I don’t have to engage any more than I feel is necessary, and I can operate in my truth apart from their bullshit.  Long-standing values conflict – SOLVED!

I sense this transition period is going to be both very challenging and very rewarding.  Some old, unhelpful habits are being directly challenged at a cellular level.  It’s going to take some time for things to reintegrate, but this is a VERY positive development.  And the connection with my core truth is more solid than ever!

My archetype was right, this is a process and parts of it just take time. 

Awakening Energy: Everything is Not Awesome

"The Earth is being bombarded with awakening energy?  AWESOME!!  Um... Tell me again what is 'Awakening Energy,' because I wasn't listening."

 

 

I recently read a post on one of the many “spiritual” Facebook groups about the flood of awakening energy hitting Earth. Basically the tone was “everything is going to be so wonderful when energy hits!”  I’ve written about this very thing previously, with a much more measured tone.  Yes, in the overall scheme of things, the flood of energy that is coming (and which we are experiencing now and for a couple more months as a “preview”) will ultimately result in a much more highly-evolved human race and Planet Earth.  And weighing the pluses and minuses, the pluses will far outweigh the minuses.

But evolution is difficult – traumatic even.  And sudden, massive evolution on a scale never seen before will also result in a level of disruption, chaos and trauma at an equally high level.  So yes, the world is getting better and the evolving energy is exciting – but all fun and games and light and wonderful??  No. 

I’m an optimist at heart, but also empathic.  (I believe an optimist who isn’t empathic can be extremely dangerous.)  Yes, the world is elevating, but many are suffering.  Many more will suffer.  And there is only so much we are going to be able to do about the inevitable suffering.

Yes, the planet is being flooded with energy.  But try telling the families of victims of police shootings, or the cops recently shot in Dallas, or the people killed in Orlando, or Syria, or Turkey or Iraq that this is a good thing. 

And this is only the beginning.  The Cabal is crumbling, and it’s going to take a lot of innocent people down with hit.  To say nothing of people who, though no ill intent, trusted the Cabal and are heavily invested in their dying paradigm.  A lot of people are going to suffer – some whom we won’t feel at all bad for, and many others who will elicit our sympathy. 

Chaos is often the preferred form of transformation energy, because it changes things immediately and permanently. But it has a lot of unpleasant side effects.  Anyone who cares about human suffering is going to feel at times this “evolution” is more than our planet can bear. We may know “it’s all for the best,” but there will be many moments where it will not feel at all like a “good thing.” 

Just look at human evolution up to this point – let’s take the last 200 years – and how much suffering accompanied that evolution.  Now imagine those 200 years as a very small fraction of the evolution that’s going to transpire over the next ten to one hundred years. 

This all sounds like doom-and-gloom, but it isn’t.  It’s a clear picture of what is and will be transpiring.  Look around – the world is rapidly evolving with many wonderful things either here or coming very soon.  And there is suffering and chaos on many levels.  It’s the trade-off.  Many people are not psychically equipped to handle higher frequencies of energy.  Others can survive, but the disruption in their lives (due to personal beliefs, implants, etc.) will be massive.  It’s impossible not to feel suffering for the humanity in this situation, even as we celebrate our evolution and welcome the energy.

I am concerned, however, that many people with the power to do much good for the world, due to their knowledge of spiritual energetics, are consciously sticking their heads in the sand (or other dark, soft spaces) and singing “Everything is Awesome!”  Because there are a lot of awesome things, but no, EVERYTHING is most certainly not awesome, and we should be working together to do more about this.



Spiritual Death, Energetic Blocks and How Far I've Come

It still amazes me how quickly and thoroughly my physical world will shift to reflect the changes in my energetic world.  I had written about how I wasn’t the same person I was even three years ago.  Then yesterday as I was headed to work I saw a cool wooden trunk left outside for someone to take – so I took it.

Last night I “packed the trunk,” which involved cleaning the energy of the trunk and its contents, and also “unpacking” a lot of things I haven’t looked at in a while.

I found some cool stuff.

I found a travel itinerary for my first trip to Thailand in 2003.  I found poems going back to 2001 that I thought were gone.  I found memories of my first (second) trip to Thailand when I was creating my new reality that has led to where I am today.  I even found a copy of Jaques Tombazian’s “Path to the 5^th Dimension” that I thought I’d lost, but had apparently kept.  I guess I knew that alchemy was going to be a permanent part of my life – and that I wasn’t ready then for all of it.  (I ended up buying it again, along with the “Philosopher’s Stone” book and meditations, but there’s a certain energy in that old book that’s valuable for me.)

And I found this poem I wrote in 2007, a couple years before I began my journey with Destin Gerek and other masters:

“Trapped In Front of the T.V.”

I could be reading something,

Or writing something,

Or learning something,

Or doing something,

Instead of sitting her in our marital bed

Watching some crappy shows

Like a retarded monkey.

 

I’m flinging poo at my life.

 

I tell myself I’m doing this for her,

Because she’s not feeling good,

Because she can’t go out,

So I’m taking care of her,

Comforting my pregnant wife

By pissing away another evening.

 

My manhood is being smothered by Styrofoam and bullshit.

 

This is how I comforted my college girlfriend

By wasting so many nights

Watching motherfucking “Home Improvement,”

Or like how I comforted myself in high school

When I calmed the pan of my dateless existence

By jacking off to Mexican infomercials.

 

I could have started a band,

I could have written a novel,

I could have learned a language,

I could have traveled,

I could have found a hobby,

I could have found an interesting college girlfriend

Who would actually get out of her fucking bed

Every now and then,

And not wasted so much of those college years.

I could have dumped the eventual ex-wife before marrying her,

Saving myself years of misery,

I could have killed myself

-Anything-

But instead, I watched TV,

Sedated myself with the narcotic

And gave up years of my life

To the fucking TV,

Goddamn motherfucking piece of shit TV.

It was the heroin that let me sit

In my boiling pot,

My mind, body and spirit

Boiled into shit soup.

 

Fuck TV.

 

The few best years of my life happened

When I could honestly say

“I don’t really watch TV.”

I thought she would understand.

We were doing so much living.

It wasn’t until it was too late,

After I’d committed,

That everything changed

And I realized

I was wrong.

Not those days are over

As I sit in the bed,

Not sleeping,

Not having sex,

But hating my life,

Wasted, worthless, watching

Fucking

Shitty

Waste of time, electricity and space,

Stinking

Crappy

Boring

Mind numbing

Idiotic

Bloodsucking

Television.

 

June 11, 2007

 

When I say I don’t recognize the previous me, I mean I have no idea who that guy was back then.  I can remember the suffering, and why I rationalized putting up with that misery when I was obviously very unhappy, but the tone of angry helplessness, the repeating cycles, the disempowerment, the self-neutering attitude and behavior – who was that asshole?

What’s even more amazing is, since that poem, I’ve done ALL the things (well, not the band, but that was never on my to-do list) I listed that I could be doing if I wasn’t wasting my life pretending to care for people I obviously didn’t like.

Yes, including killing myself.  I’ve experienced at least three complete spiritual deaths (including one this year) since this poem – and NONE prior.

And I can honestly say, since I left that shitty marriage, I really don’t watch TV, except for occasional sports and kids’ stuff with my son.  And yes, it makes a HUGE difference in life.

What’s also interesting is something inside me knew I was meant for a greater path.  The poem isn’t really me whining that I’m not doing the fun things I want to do, it was my soul crying out to be freed to live its purpose, to be free of the sedation of a mediocre relationship that isn’t on my path.

I also found the last remnants of cards from my ex-wives.  I thought I’d thrown everything out, but there were still these.  As soon as I disposed of them, and the rest of the garbage bag full of crap that wasn’t serving me, I felt my energy instantly lift.  And when I consciously cleaned the energy of the trunk and its contents, my energy lifted again. 

My environment makes a huge difference in my energetic expression.  For a long time I was stacking the deck against me, trying to elevate my energy while allowing energetic poop to fester, massively slowing my progress.  As soon as I get rid of the crap, I uplevel.

I used to think people who are hypersensitive to their energy field were just weak-spirited people.  Partly because a lot of the people who run around smudging and carrying crystals really are borderline hypochondriacs – sorry, it’s true.  The huge majority of people who are working with energy are just trying to get by in life, so for them “energy blocks” are more self-limiting beliefs and shadows manifesting as “toxins.”  So I took a lot of that with a huge grain of salt – I’m dealing with energy from the universe, who cares about a piece of paper or ionized water?

And while I still question the idea of spending a ton of money on food and water that isn’t any better quality than the cheaper produce and filtered tap water (financial stress is an energy drainer, too, so how is wasting money at Whole Foods helping?), and still see hypochondria as a serious problem in the spiritual community, I have to say environment and lifestyle matters a lot.

It’s like trying to do the high jump with leg weights.

So things like clutter and memories from when I was mistreating myself in bad relationships matter a lot.  And even things prior to a spiritual transformation that aren’t “toxic” can become so if they aren’t reintegrated.  I have to consciously “re-choose,” and often re-purpose the things that are in my life.  Or I need to let them go, not because they’re bad but because they’re no longer of value to me.

And sirens all night in my neighborhood last night.  Always happens when I’m experiencing an energetic breakthrough.

Looking Back: I Don't Relate to My Old Self. Was That Really Me??

Something REALLY incredible is opening up.  I am experiencing only parts of it, but sensing a large area of success and abundance has become available to me that I haven’t even begun to explore. 

Just the little parts I am currently in contact with are incredible. I mean… wow. 

And they’re not finished with this part of the work.  Some VERY amazing things are still to come. 

Some aspects of my life I have had to work very, very hard for my current level of happiness.  Sometimes that leaves me feeling a little resentful for the time and effort I had to invest to achieve this level of happiness.  And especially so because it involves no small amount of extra effort and imperfections to go with it.

But then I look again from a different lens and I’m amazed.  There are many amazing things in my life now – things I would not imagine possible for me, they seemed like impossible dreams.  In some cases I wouldn’t even dream of these things, there’s no way it could show up in my reality.  And here they are. 

I don’t even talk about a lot of the amazing things because they fall into that “don’t tell tales after school” category.  But that aspect of my life went from wishing and dreaming of happiness, to “wow, this is really good,” to “out-of-this world good,” to… I don’t know what I’d call this. 

I put a lot of work into this aspect, and somewhere in the process I changed at a cellular level. And then changed again.  And then again – now it’s not something I consciously develop as a primary practice – so I’ve diverged from Destin Gerek here.  He still views development largely from a sexual perspective, while for me it’s now become a manifestation of my much larger energetic and spiritual development.  As an analogy, Destin sees sexuality as the engine, I see it more as a part of the car.

And because I’ve changed a lot over even the past four and a half years (which is when I really began to first blossom in this area), it’s sometimes difficult for me to appreciate how far I’ve come in that time, to remember what it was like even four years ago when I was suffering in so many ways.  Or even all the things I had to work through between then and now, layers of bad programming shedding off again and again.

And this is just ONE aspect.  It’s like this in many parts of my life now.  In many aspects of my life I had to either completely destroy the old structure and rebuild – a painful process – or shed the old parts of me as I grew until the “old me” just wasn’t there anymore.

At some point I woke up and realized those experiences “I” had 30, 20 or even 10 years ago, aren’t me.  Even experiences five years ago are not relevant now.  It’s a liberating feeling when I can take forty years of crap I’ve been carrying and just forget all of it, see it like I’m looking at someone else’s life.  Because in a way I am. Which means I don’t have to personalize those things anymore. 

I don’t recognize my old self.

It’s interesting because in a lot of ways, on the surface, things haven’t changed all that much.  I didn’t reinvent my wardrobe or find a whole new tribe to hang out with (actually, I did in some respects; Thailand wasn’t even on my radar screen five years ago).  I didn’t quit my job and move.  (I just found a MUCH better one and got out of a VERY incompatible marriage.)

I am happy.  I am at peace.  I am finding my voice and living my truth.  I am beginning a journey on a big new path and massively growing in my personal power. 

Yes, there are still remnants of the old me, the negative me, the worrying me.  But they are remnants of the old that will be destroyed and reintegrated into something better. I no longer see these things as “me” or something I have to live with. 

Apparently it’s not unusual after a spiritual awakening to not recognize your “old self.”  So the spiritual death is complete and effective – the old me really is gone.  That is, the old me from three years ago, which was the last time I had a successful spiritual death.  So I’ve gone through two full cycles in less than five years. 

Which explains some of the visions I’m having.  I can imagine a “me” from 25 years ago in college doing completely different things than I did and being perfectly happy – not acting out of regret for the choices I made, but living an entirely different life, unaware and unattached to whatever “I” did back then. 

At an energetic level, I’m not the same person.  I have this history that’s only somewhat relevant now. This changes everything. 

Asking for the Moon and Stars

I got a message from Etienne that the archangels were working on opening my first Dan-tien below and second Dan-tien.  He sent the message a little after midnight Sunday morning.  I was out of range – camping – and was awakened at 2am and compelled to sit and meditate, despite being incredibly tired.  Something big was happening but I didn’t know what.  Even after I saw Etienne’s message, I really didn’t know what that meant as far as impact.

Well, apparently, among other things, it opened up a whole new level of attractiveness and sexual confidence.  I could feel the attraction from others everywhere I went.

It also apparently opened up a lot of manifestation energy.  I cast some “spells” last night (intentions, but asking the archetypes to deliver), and got back an interesting response from my archetype:

“Asking for everything you want – however excessive you might think it is – is not selfish.  You’re asking in the service of the greater good, and with full awareness and consideration for others.  So therefore everything you ask for is good, only withholding and suppressing your true desires would be bad.

“Your desires might appear selfish or base, but when you ask in service of your higher self, there is no such thing as an inappropriate ask.  So ask for everything you desire and hold nothing back.  Only then can you truly begin to fulfill your purpose.”

Wow, that’s really interesting.  How many times have I suppressed my desires because that’s selfish or hurtful to someone, or unreasonable, or I feel unworthy?  Or that I believed even having such a desire meant I wasn’t fulfilling my highest purpose?

What if I have that all backwards?

So I asked.  And I’ll ask for more and more until every desire has been expressed.

Last night I had some interesting dreams.  I also had some pretty strong discomfort in my second Dan-tien, which cleared up this morning (no doubt part of the work going on).  The dreams took me back to different places in my past, but at these places in time I made very different decisions.  I was still the “me” I was back then (complete with problems I don’t have now, and no awareness of my future self), but on a much different path.  I was asking for what I wanted, even though people were telling me I wasn’t ready, or that it was creating an “unequal relationship.”  I was ready to do what it takes to walk that new path, even before I was “ready.”

And really, are we ever “ready?”  I listened so much to the voices that said I’m not good enough, because I wanted to believe them.  I didn’t want to take that leap.  But in these dreams, I just went and did my learning on the way.  And I found out it was okay.

I don’t have to have anything figured out before going.  I don’t have to ask for what is “appropriate.”  And I can ask the universe for whatever I want, however crazy it might seem.  And the craziest part?  The “crazier” the wish, the MORE willing the universe is to manifest it.

That’s just… WOW. 

I’ve put a lot of dreams on the shelf and told myself I was happy.  But the thing is I really AM happy!  I don’t at all feel unfulfilled.  I have a very happy life now and only really one thing in life that causes me unhappiness.  And even this one thing I’ve found peace and acceptance.

So I don’t feel lack, or unhappiness.  I feel happier than ever.

But there are things I put up with now that I would like to eliminate from my life.  And there are things I don’t have that I tolerate, but deep down I would like.   I don’t really see those things as bringing me more happiness (well, one thing will bring me more sleep, which would bring more happiness, so yes, one thing that would help greatly), but yes they would reduce stress and worry and align me much more with my purpose. 

Even the crazy wishes really would further my mission.  In some cases, massively so.

So my archetype is right – asking for things isn’t selfish, it really is freeing up more resources to serve my greater purpose.

And the sense I get is I will receive those things asking for.  Even the crazy, no-way-this-will-work ones.

Want to start living big, start asking big.