I had to take a step back, and I’m glad I did.
You’ll notice there aren’t many new posts here. It’s been
months since my last one, and over the past year there have been few and far
between.
Basically I couldn’t think of anything to write. So I stopped.
I did other things.
This blog clearly wasn’t serving my higher purpose, it was just kind of
a waste of time and energy. It seemed
like a lot of my expression was just out of alignment with my higher truth and
purpose, so I lost interest and did other things.
I’m so glad I did.
I thought I was suffering writers block, but it was really
my higher self that had enough of the bullshit and refused to go along
anymore. For a while I retreated inward,
focused on home, family, exercise, meditation.
I kept things very simple.
At first I thought this was a sign of something wrong. No, it turned out to be awesome. I cut out all the BS in my life. I was left with my family, job, home life and
a very simple lifestyle. I spent a lot
of time in quiet reflection. I cut out
contacts with people who weren’t serving me and things that weren’t “me.”
For a while it was pretty quiet. But it felt good. I wondered if I was okay, if I was going to
turn into some hermit. Instead I found
the “old me” I really liked, cleaned of the BS distractions. I had a good foundation of meditation and
alchemy and some other things I picked up over the past ten years or so, and I
just “forgot” the junk I picked up that never served me.
I ended up in a good place where it felt good just being me
and living a simple life. It’s a good
life – love, family, peace. I found that
when I stopped trying to be something else, I ended up really liking who I
already was.
I pretty much ditched the whole “evolution” and “personal
development” crap. I stopped trying to
be a coach or some guru or master. There
was a lot of “not giving a shit,” and some of that energy felt really lazy and
like tar, just feeling like I was going nowhere. Then it felt good.
People would ask what I’ve been up to I’d say I’m doing
well, just nothing newsworthy to talk about.
I like it that way. For me, the
simple life is the good life, and I’m surrounded by people who also enjoy the
simple things in life.
Looking at it now, my sense is that when I was going through
my “self-improvement/ evolution” thing, there was an underlying need I was
serving. Overall I did some real good
for myself and the people around me. And I did make some big an important
changes in my life and how I show up. But
what was showing up in my communication was a form of “keeping up with the
Joneses.” I was communicating in a way to try and demonstrate “hey, look at me
evolving in a way I think is pleasing to my coach.”
That obviously wasn’t me and it obviously didn’t stick. And apart from that, I really overdid the
coaching, and the wrong kind of coaching.
Then of course when the disconnect grew too large for my higher self to
ignore, I went into “fuck coaching” mode.
And the whole “evolutionary coaching” thing really was a
waste of my time and money and didn’t serve me.
Because what I needed wasn’t to radically change who I was being, but to
clean out the junk, clear out the bad energy that was leading to a series of
really bad and self-hurting decisions, and get back to my “old self,” but an
energetically clean, wiser and self-confident version whose living the life he
really wants instead of someone else’s or some bullshit fantasy.
And over the past fifteen years or so, I’ve actually been
doing a lot of that – it was just messed up with other people’s BS. Over the past five or six years, and especially
the past three or four, I’ve been clearing out that other BS, and this radio
silence was really just the final cleansing.
Now I don’t feel regret for what happened before. I’d been unhappy at my core for a very long
time – fundamentally unhappy with my life and myself. Pretty much from childhood on. And looking at it now that experience taught
me a lot of empathy. I’m good at
listening to and understanding people who are suffering. I can talk people off the ledge, and I
do. I’m good at it because I can relate
to their deep suffering and self-hatred without buying into their stories.
Yes I made some really poor choices in that state of mind.
But some wonderful things also came from those poor choices. Yes, it was a lot of suffering and a lot of
the stupid things I did have really set me back in life, but it was the fuel
for change.
Then in my thirties I went through a long period of conscious
change in various forms. I had a lot of
success in certain aspects and became a lot happier pretty quickly. But then I was struggling with carrying other
people’s baggage, trying to impress the audience and coaches with my “success”
and dealing with profound panic and anger issues I couldn’t understand at the
time that seemed to be overwhelming.
Basically I was in this spiritual no-man’s-land between the “unhappy
real me” I had been growing up and the “happier but something’s not right new
me.” I thought at the time much of this
was just getting used to a new way of being, and some of it was – it was good
to get out of my comfort zone (which wasn’t comfortable at all, in fact it
sucked ass). I took risks, I had fun, I
learned some things, I made some mistakes, but everything was getting much
better over time and I was finding real happiness at my core.
I stayed too long here and spent too much time and energy communicating
I was the kind of person I thought the coaches wanted me to be – to prove my
worth and to prove their worth. Neither
of which I had to do. All I had to do
was decide for myself what works and doesn’t and then live my life the way I want
– fuck what anyone else thinks of it. If
it’s too boring for you, then fuck you for judging, asshole. Try minding your own fucking business next
time before my foot goes up your ass.
So basically I found a place where I was finally able to
clear out my energy and find some peace with myself. I made some big changes
and settled into my new life and really didn’t have a place for the Destin’s
and Rion’s of the world. I turned inward
and let it all go. I focused on my home
life, family, exercise, studies, energy meditation and rest. I cut ties with some people I’d bonded with
during the turbulent years who were just bringing in more chaos.
And I spent a lot of time doing what on the outside would
seem like nothing, or not much. And it
was here I found that “old me,” but without the unhappiness and self-hate. It was like a purified version of my old
self, coupled with the good things I’ve found along the way since then, either
by accident or intention. As I cleared
out the energy inside, things on the outside got cleaner, too.
As I was going through that process, I’d feel pissed. I “wasted” a lot of time on bullshit coaching
to deal with things I didn’t give a fuck about when the only thing I really
needed was something I learned through an online program over a few weeks that
cost a couple hundred bucks. The big
huge takeaway I got from Rion was in a free ebook that he’s archived and
largely ignored (though that advice did change my life dramatically).
And I felt embarrassed that I was trying to be this thing
that was so not me and going out of my way to communicate myself as this thing,
when all I really wanted was to live my simple life with more confidence and
better energy.
Now I feel like – yah it was silly and wasteful, but maybe I
needed to go through that shit to finally burn away the BS I’d been carrying my
whole life that was making me unhappy. Because in the end, when I burned away
the BS from that “evolved” period of time, the old crap burned away too.
It would be easy to say “gee, if I had only found the alcemy
first, I could have burned away all that bad energy, healed myself and avoided
all those mistakes and suffering.” Yeah,
sure. But all that shit led me to the
alchemy. My soul clearly needed to go
through a journey and a full purging to finally feel like a happy version of my
old self.
That seems like a long and painful way to just get back on
the path I somehow veered off after college, but that’s not true. The truth is, this path is the same “old path”
but on a new timeline. This is like the “me”
I’d be out of college if I’d somehow cleared all the spiritual, emotional and
other crap I’d been carrying around since birth.
So depending on how I look at it, I either “wasted” twenty
or so years of my life struggling to get to where I should have been all along,
or in twenty years I managed to create for myself a whole new timeline (which
is something that usually takes many life cycles of high-level spiritual
practice to do), and I still have the rest of my life to actually live on that
new timeline.
So now I come back here, because I have something to say and
something to do in this world.
I can help people who are suffering. I can help people who are going through the
things I went through and who feel the way I felt. I can listen.
I can help people with their financial matters, including on the
energetic level. I can help people
change their reality from the inside-out on a cellular energetic level, like
reincarnating in this lifetime.
That’s some pretty good shit. It’s worth sharing.
