Looking Back: I Don't Relate to My Old Self. Was That Really Me??

Something REALLY incredible is opening up.  I am experiencing only parts of it, but sensing a large area of success and abundance has become available to me that I haven’t even begun to explore. 

Just the little parts I am currently in contact with are incredible. I mean… wow. 

And they’re not finished with this part of the work.  Some VERY amazing things are still to come. 

Some aspects of my life I have had to work very, very hard for my current level of happiness.  Sometimes that leaves me feeling a little resentful for the time and effort I had to invest to achieve this level of happiness.  And especially so because it involves no small amount of extra effort and imperfections to go with it.

But then I look again from a different lens and I’m amazed.  There are many amazing things in my life now – things I would not imagine possible for me, they seemed like impossible dreams.  In some cases I wouldn’t even dream of these things, there’s no way it could show up in my reality.  And here they are. 

I don’t even talk about a lot of the amazing things because they fall into that “don’t tell tales after school” category.  But that aspect of my life went from wishing and dreaming of happiness, to “wow, this is really good,” to “out-of-this world good,” to… I don’t know what I’d call this. 

I put a lot of work into this aspect, and somewhere in the process I changed at a cellular level. And then changed again.  And then again – now it’s not something I consciously develop as a primary practice – so I’ve diverged from Destin Gerek here.  He still views development largely from a sexual perspective, while for me it’s now become a manifestation of my much larger energetic and spiritual development.  As an analogy, Destin sees sexuality as the engine, I see it more as a part of the car.

And because I’ve changed a lot over even the past four and a half years (which is when I really began to first blossom in this area), it’s sometimes difficult for me to appreciate how far I’ve come in that time, to remember what it was like even four years ago when I was suffering in so many ways.  Or even all the things I had to work through between then and now, layers of bad programming shedding off again and again.

And this is just ONE aspect.  It’s like this in many parts of my life now.  In many aspects of my life I had to either completely destroy the old structure and rebuild – a painful process – or shed the old parts of me as I grew until the “old me” just wasn’t there anymore.

At some point I woke up and realized those experiences “I” had 30, 20 or even 10 years ago, aren’t me.  Even experiences five years ago are not relevant now.  It’s a liberating feeling when I can take forty years of crap I’ve been carrying and just forget all of it, see it like I’m looking at someone else’s life.  Because in a way I am. Which means I don’t have to personalize those things anymore. 

I don’t recognize my old self.

It’s interesting because in a lot of ways, on the surface, things haven’t changed all that much.  I didn’t reinvent my wardrobe or find a whole new tribe to hang out with (actually, I did in some respects; Thailand wasn’t even on my radar screen five years ago).  I didn’t quit my job and move.  (I just found a MUCH better one and got out of a VERY incompatible marriage.)

I am happy.  I am at peace.  I am finding my voice and living my truth.  I am beginning a journey on a big new path and massively growing in my personal power. 

Yes, there are still remnants of the old me, the negative me, the worrying me.  But they are remnants of the old that will be destroyed and reintegrated into something better. I no longer see these things as “me” or something I have to live with. 

Apparently it’s not unusual after a spiritual awakening to not recognize your “old self.”  So the spiritual death is complete and effective – the old me really is gone.  That is, the old me from three years ago, which was the last time I had a successful spiritual death.  So I’ve gone through two full cycles in less than five years. 

Which explains some of the visions I’m having.  I can imagine a “me” from 25 years ago in college doing completely different things than I did and being perfectly happy – not acting out of regret for the choices I made, but living an entirely different life, unaware and unattached to whatever “I” did back then. 

At an energetic level, I’m not the same person.  I have this history that’s only somewhat relevant now. This changes everything.