Pensacola Beach Sunset

The surf fishing on Sunday wasn't anything to write home about.  Nothing but June grass, not a single bite.  But the beach is beautiful and the sunset energy is amazing.

This is my home. I've spent a lot of money and effort to make it my home, and sometimes it feels like it's a waste or going nowhere.  But when I'm out here in my element, it makes sense.  Every time I come out I have to spend some time on the beach, no matter how the time of year or quality of fishing.  I need this energy.

And I need the Pensacola side.  Perdido Key is nice and good for fishing, but the water is murky and it lacks that emerald shine of the Pensacola side.  

Growing up in Southern California, it's taking me some time to get used to south-facing beaches.  Whether it's on the beach or on the kayak (and it's usually on the kayak), the sunsets are extraordinary.  The clean energy, the way the clouds shade the sun with gorgeous red, pink and orange hues, the nature all around, it's a special feeling.

This is my base, the foundation for my energy work and creative flow.  I bring this back with me to California until I can fully move out here and completely meld into this environment.

I have a gym here now - World Gym.  I love it.  It's a lot more laid-back than the UFC in Torrance, which is kind of a madhouse and way too loud, but a good place to lift.  I have a couple coffee shops I like, some areas I like to walk.  Fishing is no longer the foundation, it's something I do, along with other things and the days flow quickly and smoothly.

And this is the source of my current creative and energetic evolution.  The new novels, the emergence of Kaelen'Zur, the personal evolution, all sprung forth from here.  Which really is to say it sprung forth from my heart, my true center, because I chose this.  All of this. 

I finally, fully feel like my true self.  I am home.

This is Home

I've been very public about my one-foot-in, one-foot-out relationship with my Florida home.  The past month or two I've been shedding these fears and falsehoods that are keeping me in this state of limbo.  This in-between state is far more uncomfortable than any negative scenario I could come up with for making a change.

That energy is gone now.  In the pure space that is left, only the truth remains, which rings loud, clear and uncompromising: this house in Pensacola is my home.

I've known this for some time, but the reality hits different now.  No excuses, no compromise.  This is my home and I need to act on this.  This week, and the past two months, I've been consciously and unconsciously creating a real home for myself.  I have a gym in Pensacola, World Gym.  And I like it better than the UFC gym in Torrance, which is noisy, crowded and poor energy.

I have regular walking trails, which I enjoy more than the ones in Torrance and Redondo Beach.  I found a balance between fishing, which was a bypass to avoid taking actual measures, and building a life.  It's no longer about "bringing home fish," it's about enjoy myself in nature, eating what I catch and living a good, balanced life.

I found a chill coffee shop to write and a nice bar to hang out.  And I enjoy both without drinking alcohol or coffee.

All of these things I could have done in Torrance, but instead wallowed in withdrawal and "waiting for things to get better."

I have a better, more balanced life here in Pensacola than I have had for years in Torrance.  Basically since covid I haven't invested anything in Torrance.  And why should I?  It sucks.  I hate it there. It's not my home.  This is.

And guess what?  Waiting around for things to get better is a waste of time.  Nothing's going to get better on its own "down the road."  Better to deal with the problems now than wait.  Sure, I can say I needed to stay in Torrance for my son, and that's true.  But nobody was making me sit around, be bored and do nothing but "wait" for things to get better.  That was my own small self, which has burned away, along with a lot of other bullshit.

I can smell the lingering scent of incinerated BS and victorious black flame.  

And "this" home is more than a house in Florida.  It's more than a lifestyle.  It's a whole new mandate, a whole new (or newly cleansed) architecture.  Here there is no "middle way," no "in between," just an unflinching truth that waits for nobody.  That is my home.

And what does that mean for my spiritual work?  Same thing, no BS.  No ego attachment, no ego to attach to.  Nothing but the truth that was always there but often ignored or distorted. 

Maybe the change will be subtle.  Maybe it'll be dramatic.  Maybe I won't recognize myself and neither will anyone else.  Maybe none of that matters.

This is home, and I'm moving in.