This is Home

I've been very public about my one-foot-in, one-foot-out relationship with my Florida home.  The past month or two I've been shedding these fears and falsehoods that are keeping me in this state of limbo.  This in-between state is far more uncomfortable than any negative scenario I could come up with for making a change.

That energy is gone now.  In the pure space that is left, only the truth remains, which rings loud, clear and uncompromising: this house in Pensacola is my home.

I've known this for some time, but the reality hits different now.  No excuses, no compromise.  This is my home and I need to act on this.  This week, and the past two months, I've been consciously and unconsciously creating a real home for myself.  I have a gym in Pensacola, World Gym.  And I like it better than the UFC gym in Torrance, which is noisy, crowded and poor energy.

I have regular walking trails, which I enjoy more than the ones in Torrance and Redondo Beach.  I found a balance between fishing, which was a bypass to avoid taking actual measures, and building a life.  It's no longer about "bringing home fish," it's about enjoy myself in nature, eating what I catch and living a good, balanced life.

I found a chill coffee shop to write and a nice bar to hang out.  And I enjoy both without drinking alcohol or coffee.

All of these things I could have done in Torrance, but instead wallowed in withdrawal and "waiting for things to get better."

I have a better, more balanced life here in Pensacola than I have had for years in Torrance.  Basically since covid I haven't invested anything in Torrance.  And why should I?  It sucks.  I hate it there. It's not my home.  This is.

And guess what?  Waiting around for things to get better is a waste of time.  Nothing's going to get better on its own "down the road."  Better to deal with the problems now than wait.  Sure, I can say I needed to stay in Torrance for my son, and that's true.  But nobody was making me sit around, be bored and do nothing but "wait" for things to get better.  That was my own small self, which has burned away, along with a lot of other bullshit.

I can smell the lingering scent of incinerated BS and victorious black flame.  

And "this" home is more than a house in Florida.  It's more than a lifestyle.  It's a whole new mandate, a whole new (or newly cleansed) architecture.  Here there is no "middle way," no "in between," just an unflinching truth that waits for nobody.  That is my home.

And what does that mean for my spiritual work?  Same thing, no BS.  No ego attachment, no ego to attach to.  Nothing but the truth that was always there but often ignored or distorted. 

Maybe the change will be subtle.  Maybe it'll be dramatic.  Maybe I won't recognize myself and neither will anyone else.  Maybe none of that matters.

This is home, and I'm moving in. 

Coming Home: When "What I Want to Do" and "What I Need to Do" Merge

 Circumstances are beginning to feel like destiny.  Maybe because they are.

About a year ago I bought a house in Pensacola, Florida.  I planned at the time – or so I told myself – to rent it out and just have a storage shed in the back for fishing stuff.  Over that year, the fishing and other stuff expended to include a fell set of Orion crystals and matrix, stuff for food preparation, laundry and showering, a folding table to eat on and even some clothes, on top of the “fishing stuff.”  And a car. 

I can’t say I was living out there but I was definitely maintaining a life out there, and looking back at the pictures from when I was there, living my best life out there, and feeling kind of sad and disconnected when I’d come back to Southern California. 

Meanwhile, the energies in Florida resonated and enhanced my spiritual energy practice.  When I was in Florida, my energy work was stronger and free of resistance and distortion.  Things were easy.  And at the same time energetic conflicts with the tenants grew.

Finally things tipped over.  The tenants had to leave early and I decided to alter my “plans” and try keeping the house for myself pay the mortgage, visit often and see if I could make it work.

As soon as I made that decision, energies shifted dramatically in a big way.  And after my last visit, I set up a crystal matrix that is now my source.  My energy center is no longer in California, where I spend most of my time, but my home in Pensacola, Florida.  In order to do my work now, I tap into that energy, instead of connecting from here to there as part of a grid.  Pensacola is now the hub, Los Angeles is the spoke.

I saw all this coming, but I didn’t want to believe it.  First, I didn’t think I could afford it.  Still have my doubts.  Second, it’s a bit of an undertaking.  Third, it’s what I really wanted, and I’d become used to assuming whatever I wanted was secondary to the “greater good,” that the two were never aligned. 

After meditating on it and seeing the results of the transition, it’s obvious now that in fact what I want IS the greater good.  Not that “doing what you want is the best thing for the world,” but in this case, they are aligned.  Which means I am called forth to commit and sacrifice to make this a priority and make it work.

And the energies have shifted dramatically over the past few months as pathways have opened up.  Yes, this IS where I belong.  It is home.  And it is necessary for the next phase of my work, as well as my happiness and the happiness of my family and the “greater good.”

It’s worth spending a little time inquiring about the belief that “what I want” is somehow inherently not aligned with my higher purpose or the greater good.  That’s a real limiting belief, and I’m sure a lot of other people share that belief.  I know they do. 

Where does that come from?  I know I grew up with a belief that you put in the work and delay gratification for something better down the road, and to “do the right thing.”  And at some level, I suppose that’s true.  You want to get the degree to get the better job, to open up more opportunities.  But somewhere in there is another belief that I’m sacrificing to do what others think is important, because I should serve them first. 

Some of the things currently in my life – including my entire energetic practice – fall into that “this is crazy stuff” category, things I do on the side after I’ve taken care of all the important things.  But the thing is, when I’ve actually been true to my higher self, free from fear, delusion, false hope and shame, it’s been right.  But I don’t always listen and honor that inner voice.

In this case, I did.  And in every step, it seemed like “this isn’t the right time, I can’t afford it, this won’t work,” but it not only works, it turns out to be necessary, and far earlier that I imagined the timeline to be.  And it’s worked out far better. 

And everything else from that – the massive improvement in energy work, the feeling of being “home,” everything, it’s all better. 

I’m feeling like the home was not something I pushed, even though it felt like it at the time, but something that pushed me.  It was something I had to do, but since I wanted to do it, it didn’t feel like a sacrifice, it felt like a joy. 

So I’m going to expand my altar and energetic practice in my new home and we’ll see where I’m called to go next.  But I finally have a home.  I’m finally on the right path.