Slowing Down: Keep Meditating, Keep Breathing

I’ve been very quiet, with very little blogging activity and even less activity writing outside of this blog.  Apart from being very busy with work and family holiday activities, I’ve been quiet off the blog, too.  I’m going with the flow of the season – quiet, slow, going inward.  This has been the continuation of the trend that began last year of slowing down and going inward.

In my mind it’s felt anything but slow and quiet – all kinds of thoughts and emotions coming up, unprocessed feelings, memories, long-standing internal conflicts.  All the while I continued meditating, continued slowing down.  It felt like nothing was happening – I’m meditating more, why do I feel LESS centered?  Why is all this stuff coming up?

And so I’d work through the stuff and keep going inward. 

Then I’d think about how I’m not getting anywhere with this.  I still feel stress, I still have sleepless nights, I still replay things or worry.  I’m supposed to be finding stillness and I’m sitting here feeling distracted.

And I’d keep going.  Keep meditating.  Often it would feel like a waste because I’d sit the whole time and never still my thoughts, spend the whole time thinking of things.

And still I’d keep going inward.

And I started thinking about all I’m missing out by going inward.  I’m not doing stuff, I’m wasting my life.  I’m becoming a bit of a shut-in and a loner.  I thought about the writing I wasn’t doing, the activities I wasn’t doing, the people I wasn’t meeting, the coaching practice I haven’t done anything with lately. 

And I’d keep sitting and meditating, focusing on my breath. 

I’d keep waking up in the middle of the night and struggling to fall back asleep.  I’d keep finding myself fighting to avoid reaching for the smartphone.  And I’d think “shouldn’t I be better at this?”  With all the resources, the things I’ve learned and done, shouldn’t I be making Jedi progress during this time instead of slogging through?

And I’d keep meditating, keep breathing.

Oh and the thoughts – do I really want to keep writing for Destin?  Why am I stuck on my writing for so long?  Why does it feel like I’m backsliding?  Why am I always worrying about money and what I can’t do because I have to sacrifice right now?

And… I’d keep meditating.  Keep breathing.

Keep thinking I’m getting nowhere but I’m going to keep doing this anyhow. And for months, nothing would happen. Well, things happened, a lot of things.  But stillness and peace weren’t among those things.  I started thinking back to times two years ago and four years ago when I was just in this place of awesome stillness. What happened?  Where did it go?  How do I get that back?  Why is this so hard when I’m spending so much time meditating.

And I’d keep meditating.  Keep breathing. 

For weeks it felt like banging my head against a wall, or worse.  I was distracted by current events and past drama.  I was acting reactively.  Yet things were okay.  Mostly I was calm and peaceful and enjoying my simple life.  I just didn’t have that Zen feeling anymore.  But I was actually doing okay overall.  I was aware of my habits I wanted to change and I was actually pretty happy with my simple, quiet life, even if I felt guilty and ashamed of it at times, that Fear of Missing Out.

And I kept meditating, kept breathing.

And things started opening up slightly.  I felt moments of that old Zen feeling.  Then longer moments. And now it feels like it’s shifted back and I’m connected with that old Zen self again. 

Other things changed too.  I began studying Thai again – it’s been so long I just wouldn’t do anything.  Now it feels good. 

And I keep meditating, keep breathing.

I see this year starting off as a continuation of last year – that is to say, a bit of a slog.  This will be a year of living simply, but one where that simple life will pay off with massive progress toward my big goals. The year will begin with a lot of work and sacrifice, but open up at the end.

And the struggle with thoughts and feelings is all part of it.  By slowing down I’m actually allowing these thoughts and feelings to surface so I can process, instead of running or distracting myself from them.  I’m not doing things, I’m specifically not doing.  And this allows me to really look at what it is I’ve been doing and decide if it’s worthwhile. 

And a lot of what I’ve been doing isn’t worthwhile.  It isn’t me.  And by “doing things” I’m missing out on far more than if I do nothing.

It’s a big reset button.  If all I do is focus my energy on being a good dad and husband, doing my job well, and stillness, I’ll be accomplishing more than ever have.  Anything I add to this will be coming from the heart, consciously chosen.  Or I could spend the year meditating in my free time and deepening my relationship to stillness and not add anything.  Maybe that alone is enough. 

So the journey inward continues.  I feel there is a lot of gold here and I’ll emerge a better man.  And maybe those things I used to think were so important to say, to publish, to “add value,” maybe those things were getting in the way of my true value.  Maybe this silence is the best way I can serve right now.

And so I keep meditating, keep breathing.

 

Observations as I Slow Down and Look Inward

I haven’t been posting.  The message I keep getting is to slow down and disengage from the unhealthy habits.  To keep slowing down and centering and allowing my energy to transform – that the work is being done for me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m failing at this seemingly simple task.  But that actually goes to show that, first, it’s not a simple task at all; second, bringing awareness to how I’m not slowing down and centering is bringing me closer to my goal; and third, this is where I’m supposed to be.

It doesn’t seem like an exciting way to transform, but this is actually a very intense transformation process, precisely because it’s not about “doing something.”  I’m weaning myself off the social media, internet news and similar energy leaks.  And it’s hard.  And my “not doing” is making this challenge more acute.  Which is the whole point.  The phone and computer is a distraction that keeps me disconnected from my higher self. 

And I am making progress, head-on.  It’s challenging because I’m not giving myself another out – my slowing down means more time and energy going inside and really being with myself.  Which makes the urge to distract myself that much stronger.  And at the same time I’m accessing my phone and internet less and less.  Which means more energy connecting inside.

And connecting inside brings up a lot of anxiety.  I haven’t been sleeping well and it’s interrupted. Shouldn’t I be feeling more centered instead of less? Because I’m actually being with myself and finally being with these anxieties.  So it feels like it’s getting worse, but it’s actually getting better – it’s just that I wasn’t letting myself face all of my internal stress.

Other distractions come up – fear of missing out (FOMO), illusions around my “not doing enough,” worries about my lack of writing and lack of production with Destin, worries about work, worries about money.  But this is all what’s meant to be.  When I’m not distracting myself, this is what comes up.  I have anxieties and values conflicts that need to be faced and released.  And that takes time and a commitment to returning to center, again and again. 

And through this process, things are coming up.  Here are some realizations I’m experiencing through this process:

1.       Loneliness and disconnection are what happen when I value expectations and beliefs above what’s true in my heart. This time of quiet and alone has helped me understand my past behavior and what was going on.  I was never alone or rejected – I was choosing disconnected association for ego over genuine connection, which was always in front of me.  The reason I wasn’t in with the “cool kids” was because I just didn’t feel connected to them – my energy didn’t resonate and I didn’t find those associations fulfilling.  But I listened to that anxious voice telling me I needed to be cool, and be with the cool kids, instead of listening to my heart and being with people I enjoyed hanging out with.  Later in life I valued meaningless connections that I thought served ego need, instead of just enjoying connections. 

2.       It is even more difficult to find center when outside things go the way I want than when they don’t.  When big events turn out the way I want, it’s difficult to let go of those feel-good emotions and triggers.  I want more.  When things don’t go the way I want, I feel bad for a little while, but then quickly move on – who wants to feel bad?  But the external feel-good is actually a ruse.  It’s keeping me from moving through my internal stuff and raise my real energy, which is the real feel-good.

3.       Facebook actually feeds disconnection.  Real friendships don’t exist on Facebook.  It’s good for keeping in contact with people spread out through space and time, but it also replaces real connection.  It fools me into thinking I’m keeping up with my friends when I’m further away.  It reinforces the anxiety-driven value of staying vaguely connected with many people I don’t really care about over a few real friendships. 

4.       When I fully embraced being alone, I found my real friends.  I didn’t want to, but I listened to my higher self and pulled away from the BS “friendships.”  I went all the way alone and still.  And I learned to live with that feeling of loneliness that would come up, and all the ego-driven emotions that come up along with that. Then I found myself organically connecting with my real friends.  I even found better friendships with my real Facebook “friends,” because I was actually connection.  I wasn’t trying to do anything, I just wasn’t afraid of being alone and then my truth emerged.

5.       My critics and attackers are shadow.  Yes, even those physically in front of my face.  I’ve defined myself lately by my enemies.  And yes, there are people who stand opposed to me, or at least make it clear they don’t like me.  And they’re real, they’re people.  But the attacks, and my reactions, are pure imagination.  It’s shadow. This is a liberating realization, my enemies are shadow.

6.       Not every negative reaction is shadow.  This flies in the face of New-Age spiritual teaching that says any negative reaction is bad – it’s judgment, it’s anger, it’s my issues coming up.  Sometimes that’s true.  And other times it’s something deeper, that reaction is a manifestation of my truth.  There are a lot of people with a lot of followers who are completely full of shit.  There are a lot of people who are toxic.  There are practices that are fraught with spiritual issues.  The difference is I’m learning I don’t have to react – I can pull back and observe, just wait for the Karmic wheel to turn.  And sure enough, the people and things I’ve strongly disliked turned out to be bad.  Almost always that feeling of revulsion or extreme irritation is completely justified.  Now I just wait and see.

7.       There’s a little voice inside me, saying “I should be doing that.  What am I not doing that?”  And that little voice is always wrong, 100% of the time.  Usually this comes up when #6 comes up.  I get a strong negative feeling toward someone or something.  Then I think “oh, that must be my shadow,” and “oh look, this person is doing this and that, and I think I want to do those things, too.  Then the circle completes itself and I realize my initial negative reaction was actually the right one all along.  As I move more into stillness, my ability to separate ego reactions from energetic reactions becomes better and will eliminate these conflicts.

8.       The voice of my heart’s desire is quiet and its express is very simple.  My heart doesn’t want much.  This bothers my ego, but that’s a cue to go deeper into stillness, not to ignore my heart because I feel I need to “do something.”

9.       My powers get stronger the less I “doing.” I’m actually accomplishing much more by “doing” less. 

10.   I’ve needed to pay better attention to my body.  Things like gut yeast and issues related to years of accumulated stress hadn’t been addressed as I was distracted by “doing things.”  Cleaning out the gut yeast and cortisol and moving toward a more balanced internal system has been good and long overdue.