"Huh, This Isn't a Bad Little Blog"

 Obviously I'd given up on this blog for a while, years in fact.  Over that time I started a more public and "mainstream" blog about my fishing and Taekwando and such.  The thing is I'd kind of felt like I lost my mojo.  I have a couple decent posts over there, but the energy feels restrained and there's little creative mojo.  I've been feeling like my expression has been neutered, there's no passion or creative flow, like my sacral chakara is blocked or something, and that... blah... is coming out on that blog.  

Also hardly any viewers over on that blog.  I'll get around to linking it here.  I'm not trying to hide my identity in this blog, but I like the freedom of being able to speak my mind without it being directly linked to me. People who care can find me and reach out, but it gives me and my family some space while giving me a little more freedom. The other one is stuff I wouldn't mind posting on Facebook, I keep it very non-confrontational (for me, so it's still got a little edge to it).

Meanwhile, this blog has been dormant for a very long time.  Yet it has regular visitors.  A lot, apparently.  Pretty amazing, considering I gave this one up for dead.  I wasn't even sure I could still log in.

So I started reading some of the old posts and I found myself really enjoying them.  They were old posts and I could forget it was me wrote them and it was an enjoyable read.  Lots of energy, good flow, great insight.  I sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I'm a pretty harsh critic of myself.

But here's an example:

"It is far better to know that you don't know what you want than to think you do.  The man who knows and accepts that he does not know his path is far closer to his goal than the man who actively dedicates himself to an illusory path so he can say "I have a purpose."

"The first step to personal growth is not to "find your purpose," it's to realize you have no idea what your purpose is and to find peace in this."

"Certainly a guiding puspose is essential to a fulfilled life, but pretty much everyone is so clouded in their thinking (msyelf included) that a man has no chance of finding that purpose in his disoriented condition."

"So a man who knows hs has no idea what his path is can easily learn to find peace, while a man who stubbornly insists on following his purose first will circle the globe several times and never come close to his path (and likely delude himself into thinking his aimless circling is a pathway, when he's just wasting his time)."

That's PART of one post.  But that is GOLD.  And looking back at it I can see the Zen influence.  It's like, wow, I actually integrated some pretty profound shit. And in the time passing since then, I've seen that mindless circling in "men with a purpose" and felt that inner turmoil.

And, DUDE, I called "BULLSHIT" on the COVID "pandemic" on March 11, 2020, BEFORE the lockdowns.  And I called it out on Trump AND Biden, and there's the receipt.  Granted, most of my ire was directed at the spiritual people who I expected to be a vanguard against tyranny and instead became foot soldiers and comfort girls for the fascists.  But DAMN.  The thing is I wasn't "ahead of my time," I was just being me, holding center while the whole world went bat shit crazy.

So what have I been up to since I posted last?  I could say "nothing," and that could be accurate.  I've done a lot of nothing.  And in the midst of doing nothing and going through the inner conflict and turmoil of learning to accept the nothing - the Void - I "did" the following:

• Creating a fishing practice that began with surf fishing in Southern California and expanded into surf fishing, offshore and kayak fishing in Clifornia and Florida, complete with a storage shed full of my equipment all the way across the country.
• Bringing me to another thing I did - I bought a house in Pensacola.  And more importantly, I spiritually divorced myself from Califorina (not easy since I was born here and am not a nomad by nature).
• I got a Black Belt in Taekwando, then Dan 2, then Dan 3.  I went from dabbling in Taekwando to being very active and failry proficient, and it's become a big part of my life.
• One of my kids got married and has a baby.  I'm a grandfather!
• My other kid is in high school.

And it's been a lot of nothing.  A lot of working through the ennui, stress and depression of training myself away from the need to "do something." Some of this was circumstantial - my wife works a lot and now she's working and going to school, so I'm alone quite a bit.  And instead of just "filling" the void, I want to also embrace it.  Consciously go deep into it. And it's harder than it looks, a lot harder.  Especially when I speak it outloud like this.  

"I'm bored and lonely" is the gateway to the void.  It's the pathway to embracing the nothing.

I REALLY need to post here more!  This isn't a bad little blog at all.

  

Coming Back: Old Me On a New Timeline

I had to take a step back, and I’m glad I did.

You’ll notice there aren’t many new posts here. It’s been months since my last one, and over the past year there have been few and far between. 

Basically I couldn’t think of anything to write.  So I stopped.

I did other things.  This blog clearly wasn’t serving my higher purpose, it was just kind of a waste of time and energy.  It seemed like a lot of my expression was just out of alignment with my higher truth and purpose, so I lost interest and did other things.

I’m so glad I did. 

I thought I was suffering writers block, but it was really my higher self that had enough of the bullshit and refused to go along anymore.  For a while I retreated inward, focused on home, family, exercise, meditation.  I kept things very simple. 

At first I thought this was a sign of something wrong.  No, it turned out to be awesome.  I cut out all the BS in my life.  I was left with my family, job, home life and a very simple lifestyle.  I spent a lot of time in quiet reflection.  I cut out contacts with people who weren’t serving me and things that weren’t “me.”

For a while it was pretty quiet.  But it felt good.  I wondered if I was okay, if I was going to turn into some hermit.  Instead I found the “old me” I really liked, cleaned of the BS distractions.  I had a good foundation of meditation and alchemy and some other things I picked up over the past ten years or so, and I just “forgot” the junk I picked up that never served me.

I ended up in a good place where it felt good just being me and living a simple life.  It’s a good life – love, family, peace.  I found that when I stopped trying to be something else, I ended up really liking who I already was.

I pretty much ditched the whole “evolution” and “personal development” crap.  I stopped trying to be a coach or some guru or master.  There was a lot of “not giving a shit,” and some of that energy felt really lazy and like tar, just feeling like I was going nowhere.  Then it felt good.

People would ask what I’ve been up to I’d say I’m doing well, just nothing newsworthy to talk about.  I like it that way.  For me, the simple life is the good life, and I’m surrounded by people who also enjoy the simple things in life.

Looking at it now, my sense is that when I was going through my “self-improvement/ evolution” thing, there was an underlying need I was serving.  Overall I did some real good for myself and the people around me. And I did make some big an important changes in my life and how I show up.  But what was showing up in my communication was a form of “keeping up with the Joneses.” I was communicating in a way to try and demonstrate “hey, look at me evolving in a way I think is pleasing to my coach.”

That obviously wasn’t me and it obviously didn’t stick.  And apart from that, I really overdid the coaching, and the wrong kind of coaching.  Then of course when the disconnect grew too large for my higher self to ignore, I went into “fuck coaching” mode. 

And the whole “evolutionary coaching” thing really was a waste of my time and money and didn’t serve me.  Because what I needed wasn’t to radically change who I was being, but to clean out the junk, clear out the bad energy that was leading to a series of really bad and self-hurting decisions, and get back to my “old self,” but an energetically clean, wiser and self-confident version whose living the life he really wants instead of someone else’s or some bullshit fantasy.

And over the past fifteen years or so, I’ve actually been doing a lot of that – it was just messed up with other people’s BS.  Over the past five or six years, and especially the past three or four, I’ve been clearing out that other BS, and this radio silence was really just the final cleansing.

Now I don’t feel regret for what happened before.  I’d been unhappy at my core for a very long time – fundamentally unhappy with my life and myself.  Pretty much from childhood on.  And looking at it now that experience taught me a lot of empathy.  I’m good at listening to and understanding people who are suffering.  I can talk people off the ledge, and I do.  I’m good at it because I can relate to their deep suffering and self-hatred without buying into their stories.

Yes I made some really poor choices in that state of mind. But some wonderful things also came from those poor choices.  Yes, it was a lot of suffering and a lot of the stupid things I did have really set me back in life, but it was the fuel for change.

Then in my thirties I went through a long period of conscious change in various forms.  I had a lot of success in certain aspects and became a lot happier pretty quickly.  But then I was struggling with carrying other people’s baggage, trying to impress the audience and coaches with my “success” and dealing with profound panic and anger issues I couldn’t understand at the time that seemed to be overwhelming.

Basically I was in this spiritual no-man’s-land between the “unhappy real me” I had been growing up and the “happier but something’s not right new me.”  I thought at the time much of this was just getting used to a new way of being, and some of it was – it was good to get out of my comfort zone (which wasn’t comfortable at all, in fact it sucked ass).  I took risks, I had fun, I learned some things, I made some mistakes, but everything was getting much better over time and I was finding real happiness at my core.

I stayed too long here and spent too much time and energy communicating I was the kind of person I thought the coaches wanted me to be – to prove my worth and to prove their worth.  Neither of which I had to do.  All I had to do was decide for myself what works and doesn’t and then live my life the way I want – fuck what anyone else thinks of it.  If it’s too boring for you, then fuck you for judging, asshole.  Try minding your own fucking business next time before my foot goes up your ass.

So basically I found a place where I was finally able to clear out my energy and find some peace with myself. I made some big changes and settled into my new life and really didn’t have a place for the Destin’s and Rion’s of the world.  I turned inward and let it all go.  I focused on my home life, family, exercise, studies, energy meditation and rest.  I cut ties with some people I’d bonded with during the turbulent years who were just bringing in more chaos.

And I spent a lot of time doing what on the outside would seem like nothing, or not much.  And it was here I found that “old me,” but without the unhappiness and self-hate.  It was like a purified version of my old self, coupled with the good things I’ve found along the way since then, either by accident or intention.  As I cleared out the energy inside, things on the outside got cleaner, too. 

As I was going through that process, I’d feel pissed.  I “wasted” a lot of time on bullshit coaching to deal with things I didn’t give a fuck about when the only thing I really needed was something I learned through an online program over a few weeks that cost a couple hundred bucks.  The big huge takeaway I got from Rion was in a free ebook that he’s archived and largely ignored (though that advice did change my life dramatically). 

And I felt embarrassed that I was trying to be this thing that was so not me and going out of my way to communicate myself as this thing, when all I really wanted was to live my simple life with more confidence and better energy.

Now I feel like – yah it was silly and wasteful, but maybe I needed to go through that shit to finally burn away the BS I’d been carrying my whole life that was making me unhappy. Because in the end, when I burned away the BS from that “evolved” period of time, the old crap burned away too.

It would be easy to say “gee, if I had only found the alcemy first, I could have burned away all that bad energy, healed myself and avoided all those mistakes and suffering.”  Yeah, sure.  But all that shit led me to the alchemy.  My soul clearly needed to go through a journey and a full purging to finally feel like a happy version of my old self. 

That seems like a long and painful way to just get back on the path I somehow veered off after college, but that’s not true.  The truth is, this path is the same “old path” but on a new timeline.  This is like the “me” I’d be out of college if I’d somehow cleared all the spiritual, emotional and other crap I’d been carrying around since birth. 

So depending on how I look at it, I either “wasted” twenty or so years of my life struggling to get to where I should have been all along, or in twenty years I managed to create for myself a whole new timeline (which is something that usually takes many life cycles of high-level spiritual practice to do), and I still have the rest of my life to actually live on that new timeline.

So now I come back here, because I have something to say and something to do in this world.

I can help people who are suffering.  I can help people who are going through the things I went through and who feel the way I felt.  I can listen.  I can help people with their financial matters, including on the energetic level.  I can help people change their reality from the inside-out on a cellular energetic level, like reincarnating in this lifetime.

That’s some pretty good shit.  It’s worth sharing.

There's Nothing to Say

I haven’t been blogging much.  I’ve been doing a lot lately, and in that active state of doing I don’t seem to have much inspiration for talking.

It’s a bit more than that, actually. 

There are major changes going on, both in the external energies and in my own energy.  It has me questioning and reevaluating what I’m doing, and also has me really bored with sitting around and thinking about any of that. Even writing this here is tiresome for me.

It’s a transition phase.

Right now I’m bored with the talking.  I see so many so-called coaches and self-proclaimed light workers filling up space with talk-talk-talk and they have nothing to say.

Social media full of people blathering about “cock worship” (blabbity blah blah… talkie talkie), some idiot whose broke as a joke selling himself as a coach to teach you to “f*ck your way to wealth” or some such nonsense.  A lot of broke blokes and chicks giving success advice… blah.. blah… blah.  

Nonsense about Winter solstice and full moons and just… taaaaaaaallllk talk talk talk talk…

Lots of lectures and pointless commentary and the usual claptrap predictions about how everything is going to change and it’s a new reality and it’s all going to be sweetness and light or some other intangible nonsense, same as every freaking year.

If I sound jaded and negative, it’s only because I’m finding all the people talking to be useless.  I’m actually doing a lot of good things, and I don’t feel like adding to what feels like an endless sea of empty words.  So I won’t.

I’m not quitting.  If I feel inspired to say something, I will. 

My advice – get off social media and go for a walk or something.  Stop wasting time reading the nonsense of people who have nothing to say.  It seems the people who know aren’t talking and the people who are talking don’t know.  Nobody has anything useful to say right now, so get off the computer.  You won’t miss anything.

Remote Cell Reprogramming - This Stuff Works!

I tried the 7-day free trial for Etienne’s Remote Cell Programming, which can be found here:

https://www.spiritualselftransformation.com/remote-cell-reprogramming

I have to say I’m impressed.  I have a few nagging physical issues, and it did help a little with that.  But where it has been most effective so far is with mental clarity and emotional balance.  I feel like as I’ve grown older there’s been kind of a fuzziness showing up. I thought it was lack of sleep or stress, but I’m not sure.  Along with it I’d feel frustration, anger or apathy. 

The Remote Cell Reprogramming cleared all that up almost instantly (I didn’t even know that was part of what it does when I tired it).  HUGE difference – I’m focused, making clear decisions, getting things done in many areas.  It’s a major shift.  I’ll get the monthly subscription and report back on it, it’s totally worth it.

This stuff works!  You can try it out for free and see yourself.  Nothing to lose.

As far as everything else, I’ve been focusing on keeping the electronics to a minimum (I never watch TV except kids stuff with my son), reading, meditating, family stuff, exercise and journaling. 

For a long time I simply wasn’t inspired to blog, I felt like it took me away from my mission. Then I’d have the urge to share, but felt off, the energy felt more reactive than creative. 

And that’s where it’s at now. I’ll have some things to share at the right time.  Which I’m sensing isn’t now – except for this little plug for Etienne.

Dissolving Ego

Wow.  It’s been a while since I blogged last.  Interesting how I go through these cycles when it comes to my expression.

The past few weeks have been a period of internal challenge.  As my higher self rises up, parts of me question what I’m doing, what I’m thinking.  I made a list of all the things I’d wish for if I had unlimited wishes.  

Then I started questioning all of them.

Then I got to the final question: “Supposed you were granted every one of those wishes.  Who would you be and what would you do?”  And I realized I would still be yearning.

Buddha is right.  Desire has no limit.  If all my wishes were granted, I’d start coming up with new wishes.  And the initial “hit” from each wish granted would be less and less until it was all just… “meh.”

I’ve been feeling a lot of “meh” lately in my time alone.  So I started diving in, being grateful for that feeling, being thankful to be at a place where I could finally experience the truth, that following the ego will lead to an empty, unhappy life.  I could be wealthy, have all the success in every area I could desire, but if the ego is in charge, my life would still be an empty building with nothing inside, surrounded by an empty landscape as far as the eye can see.

That’s the ego.

In an egoless existence, life has meaning.  Happiness in everywhere.  The house may be small, but it’s full of rich joy and fulfillment.  An egoless existence doesn’t want and never lacks.  An egoic existence never ceases to desire and is in perpetual lack.  Everything I manifest just turns to ash.

And my higher self began challenging me, because I have been “trying” to live an egoless life, but all my practices of grounding and meditating always had a deeper egoic ulterior motive – I as sabotaging myself.

By spending time alone going inside, I came face to face with the ultimate emptiness of my external pursuit.

A simple, minimalist life free from ego is far more full than a busy, abundant life lived through ego.  An ego free life doesn’t require a genie in a bottle granting wish after wish.  Just me.  Through the ego, higher purpose is just a to-do list; without the ego, higher purpose is embodied, one can feel his place in the movement of the universe, his infinite value.

None of this realization would have been possible had I not taken a large step back and allow myself to come to this place. Evolution is not supposed to be simple, easy and fun.  It involves challenge and suffering. And it requires to courage to face that discomfort.  The ego doesn’t go down without a fight.

Don't Hire a Life Coach, Part 2

A few months back I made a decision to walk away from a long-time coaching modality.  I just ended everything with the coach and group.  I also unfriended or muted a bunch of people.  Looking back now I feel that was one of the best moves I’ve ever made and only wish I had done it sooner. 

All that negative energy and annoyance is gone.  I don’t have to own anything they’re doing, I don’t have to know what’s going on, and they don’t need to know what I’m up to, either.  It feels really good, and every day it feels better.

Now I’m far enough away that I can reengage on

 my terms.  The other day I had an interview with one of the members and was able to offer up some insight on my past experiences and take on the role of an outside consultant, instead of an insider.  It feels much better interacting from a place where I’m standing in my own place and living my own life.  I don’t need nor want attention or recognition.  I can simply offer my experience as “someone whose gone through some interesting life experiences.”  Nobody has to know it’s me or wonder if I’m speaking as an offering or out of loyalty, I can just share my experience and people can take what they want.

I’m very very happy here.  At the time I wrote about how students should seek to outgrow their teachers and eventually leave them behind.  I feel that more strongly now than ever.

Let’s face it, I never wanted to be like my coach.  I wanted to learn some things from him that he was very good at – and very good at teaching others about as well.  But after a point there was little more he was willing to share that I wanted to master.  He liked to keep a lot of things for himself and not share, which he said was because he didn’t trust the men to handle the information, but I think it was more based on insecurity.

So at this point the feeling is that I waited too long to make that decision.  And that was my insecurity.  But doing so really has opened up my life for other things, as well has helping me to better understand who I really am and what I want to do in this world – which has very little in common with what he’s coaching these days.

So the lesson in all this is “Hire a coach with the goal of firing your coach down the road.”  Don’t get too attached to your coach – he or she is there to help you learn the things you need to learn, and that’s it. 

I’m very wary of coaches that try to be “holistic” and want to coach you on how to live your life.  That’s YOUR job, not theirs.  Coaches are for learning specific skills you need as you go through life.  But going through life – you need to learn that skill yourself and not rely on someone else to point the way.  Life coaches inevitably will point you to the life path THEY want for you, not what YOU really should be doing.  It doesn’t take long for an astute person to pick up on the flavor of a coach.  You can look at his or her students and you’ll see similarities in “life path” which reveals where the coach’s subtle (or not to subtle) agenda.  Eventually you’ll wise up and need to un-learn all this programming from your “life coach,” and it ends up being a waste of time and money.

The best results are when you identify things you really need to get further down your path, certain skills and insights that only someone much more experienced can provide.  That’s where a mentor or coach comes in.  You do the drills, you learn the skills, you thank your coach and you move on.

It took me a long time to finally arrive at this place.  In some respects its coming full-circle from where I was when I began this journey.  In other respects, it’s another coil in the growth spiral.  I had a lot of problems I’ve worked through along the way, most of which had zero to do with the “life coaching” nonsense. But there are tools I’ve picked up, in terms of presence and self-reflection, in energy work and spirituality, that have served me very well through my growth path.  Each of those skills I sought out as I walked my path and my natural curiosity, or need to overcome an obstacle in my way, brought me to those skills. 

This is the organic process of discovery and learning, and of growing as a person.  Like I said, it feels really good to be here.  

Energetic Update - The Deluge and Sticky Energy

Things have been heating up for several months and now we’ve transitioned into a monsoonal energy flow. In other words, we’re getting flooded with water energy.  Whole energetic systems are getting swept away, physically and energetically.  This is the next phase of the planetary awakening. We’re seeing hurricanes, floods, heavy rains, typhoons, real and energetic rivers spilling their banks all over the world.  There are still fires underneath and energies are still very hot, but it’s cooling them off just a bit and basically making everything a wet, hot, sticky mess.

Energies are also very “thick,” like a syrup or magma. Things are happening all over, but it’s very difficult to move around in this energy and many people are either succumbing to lethargy or getting stuck in the goo.

I’ve noticed this dynamic in my own energy as well and I’ve been working to keep my own energetic gears from grinding to a standstill. It’s stuck all over and where it’s not stuck it’s flooded and that water isn’t moving.  My own efforts are enough to create a little more fluidity, but it’s not something I can alter significantly.  We’re just going to have to sit tight and wait until the rains soften this up enough and things get flowing at a quicker pace.

What created this dynamic?  The heat and flooding caused some long-dormant energies to shift, which merged with the already-flowing energies and basically created a sticky mess.  Most of the water energy is sitting on top of this goo and not penetrating, it’s just going to take time for enough water to penetrate and get things flowing.  The bad news it that could take a while and there’s going to be a lot more flooding before things can settle. The good news is some ancient energies are slowly opening up, which means the awakening is going apace, even if that pace is a bit slow at the moment.

The watchword is patience.  Trying to do too much or “make things happen” in this dynamic is going to lead to an overextension of energies and fatigue.  And if you’re tired, you’re at risk of getting stuck.  A lot of the so-called “spiritual leaders” and pretty much the entire Burning Man community is either hopelessly stuck or will be.  That energy will be recycled into the flow, where hopefully it can do some good (it’s not doing any good right now in the hands of these people, so better to return to power to the Earth and let it flow through than have it in the wrong hands).

The other concern is, with so much energy stuck, this is an opportune time for rogues to cause a lot of disruption – demons, viruses, energetic parasites will be out in force going after anyone they can find – imagine mosquitoes hatching during the rainy season.  This is a good time to be mindful of energetic contacts and protection.  And those who are careless in this time are at risk of getting stuck, being attacked, or being drowned in the deluge. 

Again, this is the order of things, but get used to it.  We’re stuck with these conditions for a while.

In the Energy Flow (Finally!)

These past few months my energy has amped up dramatically.  A lot of things changed kind of all at once.  My living situation, my energy around my family both improved dramatically.  The financial oppression I’ve been living under for years has lifted. I’ve been spending years fighting against the current and the past several months treading water as the current subsided.  Now the energies are at my back and it’s making all the difference.

I’ve been swimming in the ocean – actually taking time to connect to the ocean for myself.  It’s the first time in years I’ve done this.  I finally have energy for things like this – and lately a lot more. 

Now I meditate with crystals I feel a surge of energy, particularly sacral chakra creative energy.  It’s flowing very strong with nothing blocking it.  For so long it seemed like all I did was clear stuff out and heal the energy without making any real progress.  Now I’m feeling real movement, and everyone around me is noticing the difference as well.

I stopped taking herbal supplements – all of them.  I’m not sure they were doing anything for me, and I have never felt better than I have these past few weeks herbal-free.  I did a pendulum test and determined the herbal supplements were a drain on my energy. 

I don’t know how much of this is due to the epiphany around death and life purpose that happened recently.  It seems like my energy has been non-stop since then.  This also coincides with my ceasing all herbal supplements. 

I was taking melatonin or something else herbal to help with sleep for the longest time.  I just stopped cold-turkey and my sleep is about the same.  What I’m getting back is those things do little to help me sleep and whatever sleep benefit is more than offset by the energy drain of their side effects.

The little shifts add up.  And now feeling my awakened energy is full forward flow is just… wow!  Maybe it’s a good thing I began this journey fighting the current. The energy might have been too much to handle at that point in my life, the resistance was my training wheels. 

For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me, I had no energy in any aspect of my life.  I felt like I was in a very deep rut and needed help.  It’s pretty obvious I was being crushed under the energetic oppression.  Take away the resistance and the energy comes roaring back, better than ever. 

Today I’m meditating with tiger iron.  I’m feeling this surge of deep, grounded, masculine energy.  Nice. My mind is much more clear and open, my body is more relaxed.  There’s more space and freedom, a larger container. 

Damn, I could get used to this!

General Update: Clearing Energy, and the Death of the California Spiritual Community

Energies are moving much more quickly around me and things are becoming much more clear in my field. 

I’ve been going through a period of cutting out people in my social media who are afflicted with spiritual rot.  It seems recent events have made identifying these people much easier. And also my current energy state is making it easier to let them go, to stop justifying keeping them around.

One of my voices against doing this kept saying I’d be bored, that I’d invested so much in these spiritual endeavors and people, now I’m throwing it away.  But actually, throwing away the crap has saved my spiritual practice.  It’s not polluted as much with BS.  And if it means my social media becomes devoid of all but a small handful of spiritual people, all the better. 

Not spending time (or not spending nearly as much time, anyhow) on social media has actually opened up my energy.  No surprise, I’m more productive at work, and actually finding more things to do with my time.  Turns out social media and the “stuff” promoted by the toxic spirituality crowd wasn’t taking up idle time, it was crowding out a whole lot of other things I hadn’t even thought about because I lacked the time and energy to work on them – the time I voluntarily gave up to engage in the other bullshit.

Cutting out the energetic garbage actually leads to less boredom and more focused effort.  Unfriending non-friends actually creates space for real friendship.  I end up not missing these people or things.

The “boredom” and “urge to be doing something” is tough to move through.  On the other side is sadness. Unprocessed hurt is driving the distraction.  But it’s only by going through the desire to distract myself that I can finally process this pain and sadness.

There’s sadness and regret and guilt.  And it’s not overwhelming or scary.  In fact it’s easy to process and heal.  And then I sleep much better.

The energies in California have aligned with Source, but unfortunately the overwhelming majority of people in CA who consider themselves spiritual or evolved are being cut off from this energetic shift.  For them it’ll be separation and death.  It’s the way it has to be, I’ve come to accept it.  People really don’t change for the most part. 

Oh these people will still be around – making noise, spouting hippie BS, imagining themselves connected to Source, but spiritually they are dying.  And eventually their physical bodies will die too.  We’re already seeing this, many people in the so-called “spiritual community” in CA are dropping like flies.  People will blame it on depression, or drugs, or misfortune, but it’s the end game of the energetic shift.

I’ve seen so many people who supposedly eat well, exercise regularly and everything else, yet their energy is regularly in the “dangerously low” zone.  People outside of the “spiritual community” don’t really talk about adrenal fatigue, but every other person in the “spiritual community” suffers from this while in the general population it’s a rare affliction.  It’s going to get worse.  And then the entire community as it is structured will collapse and die.

But again, as for me, things getting better and better.  And the message I’m getting is to keep going into the light and cut away the dead branches.  There’s nothing to do now but cut the dying energy away and focus on expanding my own life and energetic practice. 

Self-Inquiry and Where I Go From Here

My energy has clearly opened up over the past two months, and opened at another level this last week.  For the past 4 ½ years, my energy has been moving forward but weighed down a lot. Over the past couple months, and accelerating this month, a lot of that weight is lifted and the energy is much more free, to the point where I have space to process and repurpose things from my “bad energy” past into my present.  I was sitting on a lot of stuff and didn’t want to even look at it.  Now I can use it or finally get rid of it.

And this freedom also means I don’t have to hold onto things that were beneficial but maybe outlived their usefulness, or have turned rotten on their own and need to be eliminated. 

I was looking at pictures of myself from twenty years ago, and it was a time when my energy was high but also misdirected and there was a lot of negative energy in my field I wasn’t clearing out. And I looked older than I do now.  I had fuller, darker hair, but I was overweight and had the look of someone who was ageing too rapidly on the inside.  Energetically I’ve actually reversed the ageing process.

So what am I doing now with this expanded energy?  I’m back to actually doing alchemy instead of hunkering down.  I’m engaged in Natural Grounding.  I’ve finally made the decision to end my work with Destin and his group and refocus my energy toward positive, productive things in my own life and area of impact. I’m more active with my family and career than I’ve ever been. 

And now I’m feeling a calling to find outlets for my energy.  The time for slowing down and doing nothing is coming to a close and I’m being called to move forward. But in what direction and in what way is not clear.

I feel called in many different directions, and feel resistance in all of those directions.  So there’s still processing going on.

One thing I’ve noticed is coaching keeps calling me in and I truly enjoy my work when helping people find happier and more fulfilling lives and clearing out their limiting BS.  It feels good, and the universe keeps handing me clients.

But I’m torn.  I don’t sense this is a profession, more a calling to serve.  I have a great job that pays well and there’s no reason to change careers.  I could maybe add this as a second gig on the side, but I feel zero calling to build a practice.

Furthermore, I don’t like what I see out there in the “evolutionary coaching” scene.  My Facebook is full of hippies contributing nothing of value to the world who hold themselves out as “personal coaches,” basically to avoid taking responsibility for their lives.  All these losers living the same “life purpose,” and not one of them actually making an honest living from it.  It’s escapism. 

To go on my soap box a little – a coach who doesn’t have his basic shit handled – job, paying bills, taking care of his family and being a responsible member of society – CANNOT coach.  If you suck at the very basic aspect of living, you are a life FAILURE, not a life COACH.  Duh. Yet I can count over a dozen people on my Facebook alone who are broke, pathetic LOSERS who claim they’re rejecting conformity by refusing to be responsible people and instead “living their purpose” – which coincidentally is ALWAYS “life coaching.”

As they say, those who can’t do, coach.  So if you suck ass at life, then by that logic your calling must be to coach others to be successful at life, right?  Bullshit.

In every one of these cases, my life is MUCH better than theirs.  These people holding themselves out as coaches are basically sponges of society.  In at least three cases, the “coach” has his or her kids taken away or supervised by the government for failure at basic parenting.  In a dozen others, they can’t pay their own rent.  They can pontificate – boy, they’re good at blathering on and on and on (yah, they got the resources to fund their pot habit, obviously).  They all claim to be legendary in bed (yet none of them is very good at actually maintaining a relationship, so one has to question how truly ‘irresistible’ these supposedly awesome lovers truly are), and more than willing to share their knowledge (which in every case is just more pot-inspired verbal diarrhea of zero value).

So basically we’re talking about a bunch of losers with overinflated senses of self-worth using “coaching” as a means of propping up their fragile egos to help them forget that their lives are basically total shit.  So no, I have no interest whatsoever in being associated in any way with that cohort.  I am proud of my success in life.  I’m not perfect by any means, but next to these people…?

And those that are “successful” are almost all total bottom-feeders, basically leeching off of people with low self-esteem.  They’re charlatans. I’ve seen all kinds of deception and outright theft of product among people who claim to teach “integrity,” and it’s disgusting.  Even the very few that are good coaches and ethical tend to play to the lowest common denominator – they’ve sharpened the marketing saw but their coaching product is bland and uninspiring.

So I don’t want to be energetically associated with the evolutionary coaching fad as it is currently structured.  And at the same time I keep getting called to serve and doing a good job at helping people in my own way.  I have a lot of skills and experience to offer, without wallowing in failure or using drugs for inspiration.  My resistance is I don’t want to be “one of them.”  So I won’t.

Then there’s the writing.  Writing is always a part of my expression, but I’m sure there’s more.  What would I be offering that’s distinct and value-added amidst a sea of charlatans, flakes and incompetents? What would I be offering that actually would inspire me to put energy into that endeavor and work on my craft?

One of the things I’ve observed about myself in my communication is that I tend to overstate the positive in my progress and minimize anything that’s not going well. This isn’t conscious, it’s more that I really want things I’m doing to “work,” and also mistakes and areas of improvement sounds like drudgery and work.  With the energies opening up, I can look more honestly and put more conscious attention on things I want to improve. 

So here’s my current list:

Focus:

1.       Eliminate overthinking and worry by focusing and refocusing on the present moment

2.       Connect to stillness – continue and expand practice

3.       Focus on healing and releasing all shame, guilt, embarrassment, and negative beliefs

4.       Expand the container of unflappability – notice where things are getting under my skin and consciously expand my capacity to hold space for these things

5.       Expand into those areas I want to go but hold back out of fear of the “energy spikes.” 

6.       Discover what things I want to do and do them.

7.       Get a full night’s sleep every night

8.       Lose 10 pounds

It’s a fine line between discussing areas of personal improvement and whining about my problems.  I hate whiners.  And I’m sure my undersharing of my areas that I seek to improve is a result of that disdain. But it’s not whining if you’re doing something about it, it’s reflection. And it’s important. What’s the point of an anonymous blog if I’m not going to utilize it to explore those less-than-perfect aspects of myself?

Again My Intuition Is Right: It's a Cult

Sometimes you're too close to things to see the obvious truth in front of you, but my intuitive need to disassociate from someone and something that was feeling more and more like a cult was because - duh - it's a cult.

I worked with this guy for years and could see the warning signs, both in him and my reactions, but I ignored them.  Mostly because when I first met him he was an aspiring cult leader, and sucked at it.  But he was a pretty good cult FOLLOWER even from the beginning.

Now it's becoming clear as he steps into his power that he's manifesting his dreams of actually having a fucking cult.  And apparently he thinks this is fucking cool.

Ugh.  Glad to be done with that shit.

His weird new protégé who mimics his every tic (and fucking lives with him), his fascination with Osho and the Paradise rape cul-er, "ashram," the whole wanting to create his own motherfucking ashram.  Oh, and joining up with "Ethical Cult Building" which sells itself as a marketing training business but has all the creepy cult-fan imagery. 

Fuck that.  And fuck me for supporting that. Cults in any form are utter and complete bullshit and the people who lead them - or aspire to - are 100% fucked in the head.

I can't support this.  You've got to be fucking kidding me - this is mental illness in viral form. 

Fuck.  That.  Shit.

Energetic Liberation

My higher self has been consistently telling me April 15 is the time to start making plans for a move.  At first I thought this was for financial reasons – and it does appear I’ll be in the right place financially to make a good move by then, but I probably could have moved earlier too and been just fine.

No, there’s more.  After last week I’ve had an undamming of energy.  It’s like for years I’ve been carrying around this oppressive psychic weight and didn’t even realize how bad it was.  And now it’s totally gone.

It’s more than an affirmation that I was on the right path and I’m a good person.  It’s more than a validation that I’ve been doing the right thing, even when I doubted myself for so long and suffered so much.  It’s a deeper and more integrated connection with my heart and higher self – the inner conflict between my higher self and my thinking/ego self is resolved and I’m really listening to my heart and higher self much more clearly now.

All week this has been integrating and the truth is becoming more and more clear.

My higher self kept telling me to wait for “spiritual reasons, not financial reasons.”  And at the time I didn’t understand.  I understand now. Things had to clear up in my energy for me to be able to make the decision that would best serve my higher self. 

Because it’s not just a move, it’s a realignment.  I’m saying goodbye to some energies and habits that aren’t serving me anymore. I’m significantly limiting my social media.  I’m cutting out people who are just annoying and not serving me.  People who I allowed to have power over me are finally completely gone from my energy field, along with all their junk. 

It’s a relief, it’s an awakening, it’s a transformation.  There are many aspects of my life that were fear-based.  Maybe I thought I had to, or out of convenience or whatever reason.  The problem is those aspects affected other things as well – many of my relationships, even ones that were intended to be empowering, were fear-based in some way.

That’s gone now.  The cancer is gone and the rest of my energetic body is healing.  And many relationships that were disempowering at one level or another will either change or die.

Also, those haters who tried to keep me down and make me believe I was less than I am, or that I was a bad person when I wasn’t, their lies have been exposed.  I no longer listen to them and I’m no longer afraid of them.  Energetically they’re gone from my life completely now.  Now it’s freedom. Openness.  Clarity. 

Soon there will be more changes.  The period of going-in and slowing down is yielding to a new period of change and growth.  And energetic liberation.  The dark clouds have passed.  The process makes sense now.  My higher self was right all along.

Holding Back Energy Vs. Clearing Out: Lessons from "Difficulties"

Still going inward, still slowing down.  Still learning so much from this.

Last month I had a number of experiences that seemed like “bad luck” or “challenges,” and it was only after that I realized what they were – a clearing out of bad energy.  In one case I had been holding onto physical and emotional trauma from a years ago that was trapped and festering in a tooth.  The root canal cleared it all out and then it’s gone.  I had negative energy that for some reason had settled into my car’s transmission, and after replacing it there was all kinds of opening.

A car?  But it drives completely differently now and the energy when I’m driving it is clean.

Even the spending of funds and paying off of some debt freed up energy, actually opening paths to receive more wealth in the future. 

I have a tendency to hold onto energy, which creates tightness in my energy system and body and also lends to fear-based patterns. Going inward is bringing awareness to them and they’re releasing. 

I’m beginning to see how that “holding” pattern has guided a lot of my thinking and behavior patterns.  And it’s drained energy that could be better used to actually create what I want, instead of holding on and fighting against things I don’t want.

I wouldn’t see this larger pattern if I hadn’t spent a considerable amount of time slowing down to pay attention.  This is a key piece, the thing that’s been holding me back, and once I see it it’s actually not that difficult to flip the switch.  All this time I’d been operating under the assumption this is just how it is, but it isn’t.  It’s a choice.

And when trying to do “big things” with energy, I’m realizing how important it is to align those patterns to create and move energy through, instead of holding back or seeking to preserve. Just noticing this I feel a huge sense of relief.  It makes perfect sense.

So I’m grateful for the “challenges” of the past month.  They’ve helped me to learn a much more valuable lesson.

In the Midlst of a Major Energetic Storm

From Saturday the 18^th:

Last night I spent some time binge listening to Destin Gerek’s podcasts.  He’s got a pretty good body of work now and it’s well worth a listen.  Not all of it will be relevant or valuable to you, and I’d have recommendations for Destin on how he conducts his podcasts (he’s generally putting too much attention on the guest and not enough input from him – probably needs a monologue or something so his knowledge and message is coming out more directly), but he’s brought in some pretty solid guests for an inaugural podcast.  It’s on iTunes – just search “Destin Gerek” and you’ll find it. 

As for me, I’m settling into my not-so-new lifestyle and starting to really enjoy it.  When I started this journey inward, I think there was a lot of resistance, and so there was a lot of subconscious sabotage – distraction, wasting my valuable downtime, etc.  But lately I’ve found a good place energetically.  I’m in a place where some pretty big waves that hit late last year and early this year have passed and I can celebrate a bit.  Things aren’t the way I’d like them to be for the long term, but for now things are good and getting better.

I’m embracing my journey inward with a lot more enthusiasm and curiosity, and also more honesty.  The whole point of this is to clear out the BS and get clear on who I am and my larger purpose.  And I’m finally at a point where I can look at myself more clearly.

And it’s interesting.  I realize I’ve changed in a lot of ways I didn’t even realize, that some big things that had been bothering me and driving how and what I’ve been pursuing are gone, they’ve cleared up.

After I clear out all the layers of anxiety and BS, I’ve been surprised to find I’m actually very happy with this quiet, simpler life.  I really love my wife, I love my son and enjoy spending lots of quality time with him, I really like my job how things are developing career-wise, and I really enjoy these moments of quiet meditation and reflection, just enjoying the slow pace with little or nothing to do. 

I really enjoy my meditations, energy clearings and alchemy.  I enjoy not having a lot on my plate and feeling my life slow down.  This is home for me.  For a while I’d feel bored, and I still do from time to time, but the more I embrace slowing down, the less bored I feel.  I just relax and time seems to fly by without having to fill it with “doing stuff.”

For a while I was pretty attached to the Internet and social media, but I’m cutting that cord, too.  It feels good.  It reminds me of those times last year when we’d take short vacations to places “off the grid,” or where Internet was spotty at best.  And it was sooooo nice!  Just relaxing with my family and slowing down to the pace of the sun and moon and letting all the BS of city life go. 

 

Since the 18^th It’s been a steady week of major energetic attacks, so it appears that period was a brief lull in the storm.

It appears now that I’m in the middle of a very large energetic storm.  I still continue to receive the message to slow down and go inward, and it’s beginning to have some positive effects, but it’s clear the energetic storm is far from over and there is much to learn.

I’ve been in this “going inward” state since around November.  At first I felt a lot of resistance, but now my mind is slowing down and things opening up.  But that’s not the end of it. It’s just a marker.  The attacks are getting stronger and affecting things around me.  Possessions breaking, things like that.  Also money issues and work stress for me and my wife.

This is the problem with energetic attacks – I can shield myself and my family, but I can’t shield everything.  So major repairs, expenses and work stresses come in, and there’s little I can do except try to minimize the damage. 

But it hasn’t been just things breaking, it’s affecting me as well.  Many nights of difficult sleep and just general stress. The reason I’m being asked to focus inward and heal is because this is a difficult time energetically and it’s going to take a lot of resources to keep the energy clear and moving on the right path. 

But despite the external attacks and their affect on my energy and things around me, my internal state is getting better. I’ve been using Natural Grounding more regularly.  And it works.  In fact, I’m finding blocks from the last time I stopped doing NG and it’s clearing out my energy more and more. 

So I keep going.  Internally it’s getting better, externally some major stuff is going on.

Etienne has talked about some of the recent energetic events, and I sense there’s a lot more happening.  So it’s just a big energetic storm and it’s going to have to run its course.  It seems to be affecting everyone, and many in not good ways.  I’m watching the reaction to Trump with wonder – millions of people going crazy from the energy flows. 

Keep going.  More to follow.

Slowing Down: Keep Meditating, Keep Breathing

I’ve been very quiet, with very little blogging activity and even less activity writing outside of this blog.  Apart from being very busy with work and family holiday activities, I’ve been quiet off the blog, too.  I’m going with the flow of the season – quiet, slow, going inward.  This has been the continuation of the trend that began last year of slowing down and going inward.

In my mind it’s felt anything but slow and quiet – all kinds of thoughts and emotions coming up, unprocessed feelings, memories, long-standing internal conflicts.  All the while I continued meditating, continued slowing down.  It felt like nothing was happening – I’m meditating more, why do I feel LESS centered?  Why is all this stuff coming up?

And so I’d work through the stuff and keep going inward. 

Then I’d think about how I’m not getting anywhere with this.  I still feel stress, I still have sleepless nights, I still replay things or worry.  I’m supposed to be finding stillness and I’m sitting here feeling distracted.

And I’d keep going.  Keep meditating.  Often it would feel like a waste because I’d sit the whole time and never still my thoughts, spend the whole time thinking of things.

And still I’d keep going inward.

And I started thinking about all I’m missing out by going inward.  I’m not doing stuff, I’m wasting my life.  I’m becoming a bit of a shut-in and a loner.  I thought about the writing I wasn’t doing, the activities I wasn’t doing, the people I wasn’t meeting, the coaching practice I haven’t done anything with lately. 

And I’d keep sitting and meditating, focusing on my breath. 

I’d keep waking up in the middle of the night and struggling to fall back asleep.  I’d keep finding myself fighting to avoid reaching for the smartphone.  And I’d think “shouldn’t I be better at this?”  With all the resources, the things I’ve learned and done, shouldn’t I be making Jedi progress during this time instead of slogging through?

And I’d keep meditating, keep breathing.

Oh and the thoughts – do I really want to keep writing for Destin?  Why am I stuck on my writing for so long?  Why does it feel like I’m backsliding?  Why am I always worrying about money and what I can’t do because I have to sacrifice right now?

And… I’d keep meditating.  Keep breathing.

Keep thinking I’m getting nowhere but I’m going to keep doing this anyhow. And for months, nothing would happen. Well, things happened, a lot of things.  But stillness and peace weren’t among those things.  I started thinking back to times two years ago and four years ago when I was just in this place of awesome stillness. What happened?  Where did it go?  How do I get that back?  Why is this so hard when I’m spending so much time meditating.

And I’d keep meditating.  Keep breathing. 

For weeks it felt like banging my head against a wall, or worse.  I was distracted by current events and past drama.  I was acting reactively.  Yet things were okay.  Mostly I was calm and peaceful and enjoying my simple life.  I just didn’t have that Zen feeling anymore.  But I was actually doing okay overall.  I was aware of my habits I wanted to change and I was actually pretty happy with my simple, quiet life, even if I felt guilty and ashamed of it at times, that Fear of Missing Out.

And I kept meditating, kept breathing.

And things started opening up slightly.  I felt moments of that old Zen feeling.  Then longer moments. And now it feels like it’s shifted back and I’m connected with that old Zen self again. 

Other things changed too.  I began studying Thai again – it’s been so long I just wouldn’t do anything.  Now it feels good. 

And I keep meditating, keep breathing.

I see this year starting off as a continuation of last year – that is to say, a bit of a slog.  This will be a year of living simply, but one where that simple life will pay off with massive progress toward my big goals. The year will begin with a lot of work and sacrifice, but open up at the end.

And the struggle with thoughts and feelings is all part of it.  By slowing down I’m actually allowing these thoughts and feelings to surface so I can process, instead of running or distracting myself from them.  I’m not doing things, I’m specifically not doing.  And this allows me to really look at what it is I’ve been doing and decide if it’s worthwhile. 

And a lot of what I’ve been doing isn’t worthwhile.  It isn’t me.  And by “doing things” I’m missing out on far more than if I do nothing.

It’s a big reset button.  If all I do is focus my energy on being a good dad and husband, doing my job well, and stillness, I’ll be accomplishing more than ever have.  Anything I add to this will be coming from the heart, consciously chosen.  Or I could spend the year meditating in my free time and deepening my relationship to stillness and not add anything.  Maybe that alone is enough. 

So the journey inward continues.  I feel there is a lot of gold here and I’ll emerge a better man.  And maybe those things I used to think were so important to say, to publish, to “add value,” maybe those things were getting in the way of my true value.  Maybe this silence is the best way I can serve right now.

And so I keep meditating, keep breathing.

 

Time to Wake Up

I finished proofing Etienne’s “The History of the Universe,” which took longer than I thought it would.  It’s not easy proofing, and it’s much more difficult when I’m having to also integrate the energy from the book – it seems like every time I read it there’s a new breakthrough.

I’ve reached the point where my life simply cannot continue on the path it’s been going.  I’ve been locked into a path of habit and comfort and my heart is yearning for something different, something my mind still wants to look away from.

This week I received another wake-up call that I cannot expect life to simply coast along.  Things are changing and my reality is changing with them.  I cannot hold onto things, even things I love.  And I cannot hold onto things I dislike or cause me stress, either.  Everything changes and all energy must be allowed to flow. 

When I violate that rule, the tension builds up until there’s a crisis and then I have no choice but to change.  And that’s what’s been happening, I’ve been feeling more stuck, more tired, more stressed, and then something happens and I realize whatever I’ve been holding onto tightly I must let go.

I look at other people around me – their lives don’t change much.  They get to enjoy things and their lives seem pretty comfortable and prosperous.  And while wealth is something that will be available to me as I move forward the comfortable life of ease is not my destiny. Change is a part of my life, and now I’m placing my attention on using that energy to consciously create a future I want.

Things had become comfortable in many ways, but also have gone off-track.   Even when I found comfort, it seems I’d have to fight to keep other people and things from trying to take it away.  But really that’s because I’m not meant to sit still.

While my energy has been expanding, my life has become complacent.  And now, once again, that illusion of complacency is being exposed – nothing stays the same.  I need to be in front of this instead of reacting to external forces. I need to learn this lesson from the past and guide the ship. 

And so I’m spending time in meditation and contemplation, surrendering to the universe and finding my map.  The fatigue and frustration was the sign, the events this week are the wake-up call.

Whenever I find myself fantasizing about doing things differently in my past, that’s my higher self pointing me in the direction of my true path.  My true self is trying to lay the foundation in my timeline to manifest the changes that I need to make to align with my true purpose.  I need to listen to these thoughts and feelings and live my life carrying those lessons forward.

Because I can’t sit still.  The universe is kicking me in the butt and I need to change.