Dissolving Ego

Wow.  It’s been a while since I blogged last.  Interesting how I go through these cycles when it comes to my expression.

The past few weeks have been a period of internal challenge.  As my higher self rises up, parts of me question what I’m doing, what I’m thinking.  I made a list of all the things I’d wish for if I had unlimited wishes.  

Then I started questioning all of them.

Then I got to the final question: “Supposed you were granted every one of those wishes.  Who would you be and what would you do?”  And I realized I would still be yearning.

Buddha is right.  Desire has no limit.  If all my wishes were granted, I’d start coming up with new wishes.  And the initial “hit” from each wish granted would be less and less until it was all just… “meh.”

I’ve been feeling a lot of “meh” lately in my time alone.  So I started diving in, being grateful for that feeling, being thankful to be at a place where I could finally experience the truth, that following the ego will lead to an empty, unhappy life.  I could be wealthy, have all the success in every area I could desire, but if the ego is in charge, my life would still be an empty building with nothing inside, surrounded by an empty landscape as far as the eye can see.

That’s the ego.

In an egoless existence, life has meaning.  Happiness in everywhere.  The house may be small, but it’s full of rich joy and fulfillment.  An egoless existence doesn’t want and never lacks.  An egoic existence never ceases to desire and is in perpetual lack.  Everything I manifest just turns to ash.

And my higher self began challenging me, because I have been “trying” to live an egoless life, but all my practices of grounding and meditating always had a deeper egoic ulterior motive – I as sabotaging myself.

By spending time alone going inside, I came face to face with the ultimate emptiness of my external pursuit.

A simple, minimalist life free from ego is far more full than a busy, abundant life lived through ego.  An ego free life doesn’t require a genie in a bottle granting wish after wish.  Just me.  Through the ego, higher purpose is just a to-do list; without the ego, higher purpose is embodied, one can feel his place in the movement of the universe, his infinite value.

None of this realization would have been possible had I not taken a large step back and allow myself to come to this place. Evolution is not supposed to be simple, easy and fun.  It involves challenge and suffering. And it requires to courage to face that discomfort.  The ego doesn’t go down without a fight.