Coming Back: Old Me On a New Timeline

I had to take a step back, and I’m glad I did.

You’ll notice there aren’t many new posts here. It’s been months since my last one, and over the past year there have been few and far between. 

Basically I couldn’t think of anything to write.  So I stopped.

I did other things.  This blog clearly wasn’t serving my higher purpose, it was just kind of a waste of time and energy.  It seemed like a lot of my expression was just out of alignment with my higher truth and purpose, so I lost interest and did other things.

I’m so glad I did. 

I thought I was suffering writers block, but it was really my higher self that had enough of the bullshit and refused to go along anymore.  For a while I retreated inward, focused on home, family, exercise, meditation.  I kept things very simple. 

At first I thought this was a sign of something wrong.  No, it turned out to be awesome.  I cut out all the BS in my life.  I was left with my family, job, home life and a very simple lifestyle.  I spent a lot of time in quiet reflection.  I cut out contacts with people who weren’t serving me and things that weren’t “me.”

For a while it was pretty quiet.  But it felt good.  I wondered if I was okay, if I was going to turn into some hermit.  Instead I found the “old me” I really liked, cleaned of the BS distractions.  I had a good foundation of meditation and alchemy and some other things I picked up over the past ten years or so, and I just “forgot” the junk I picked up that never served me.

I ended up in a good place where it felt good just being me and living a simple life.  It’s a good life – love, family, peace.  I found that when I stopped trying to be something else, I ended up really liking who I already was.

I pretty much ditched the whole “evolution” and “personal development” crap.  I stopped trying to be a coach or some guru or master.  There was a lot of “not giving a shit,” and some of that energy felt really lazy and like tar, just feeling like I was going nowhere.  Then it felt good.

People would ask what I’ve been up to I’d say I’m doing well, just nothing newsworthy to talk about.  I like it that way.  For me, the simple life is the good life, and I’m surrounded by people who also enjoy the simple things in life.

Looking at it now, my sense is that when I was going through my “self-improvement/ evolution” thing, there was an underlying need I was serving.  Overall I did some real good for myself and the people around me. And I did make some big an important changes in my life and how I show up.  But what was showing up in my communication was a form of “keeping up with the Joneses.” I was communicating in a way to try and demonstrate “hey, look at me evolving in a way I think is pleasing to my coach.”

That obviously wasn’t me and it obviously didn’t stick.  And apart from that, I really overdid the coaching, and the wrong kind of coaching.  Then of course when the disconnect grew too large for my higher self to ignore, I went into “fuck coaching” mode. 

And the whole “evolutionary coaching” thing really was a waste of my time and money and didn’t serve me.  Because what I needed wasn’t to radically change who I was being, but to clean out the junk, clear out the bad energy that was leading to a series of really bad and self-hurting decisions, and get back to my “old self,” but an energetically clean, wiser and self-confident version whose living the life he really wants instead of someone else’s or some bullshit fantasy.

And over the past fifteen years or so, I’ve actually been doing a lot of that – it was just messed up with other people’s BS.  Over the past five or six years, and especially the past three or four, I’ve been clearing out that other BS, and this radio silence was really just the final cleansing.

Now I don’t feel regret for what happened before.  I’d been unhappy at my core for a very long time – fundamentally unhappy with my life and myself.  Pretty much from childhood on.  And looking at it now that experience taught me a lot of empathy.  I’m good at listening to and understanding people who are suffering.  I can talk people off the ledge, and I do.  I’m good at it because I can relate to their deep suffering and self-hatred without buying into their stories.

Yes I made some really poor choices in that state of mind. But some wonderful things also came from those poor choices.  Yes, it was a lot of suffering and a lot of the stupid things I did have really set me back in life, but it was the fuel for change.

Then in my thirties I went through a long period of conscious change in various forms.  I had a lot of success in certain aspects and became a lot happier pretty quickly.  But then I was struggling with carrying other people’s baggage, trying to impress the audience and coaches with my “success” and dealing with profound panic and anger issues I couldn’t understand at the time that seemed to be overwhelming.

Basically I was in this spiritual no-man’s-land between the “unhappy real me” I had been growing up and the “happier but something’s not right new me.”  I thought at the time much of this was just getting used to a new way of being, and some of it was – it was good to get out of my comfort zone (which wasn’t comfortable at all, in fact it sucked ass).  I took risks, I had fun, I learned some things, I made some mistakes, but everything was getting much better over time and I was finding real happiness at my core.

I stayed too long here and spent too much time and energy communicating I was the kind of person I thought the coaches wanted me to be – to prove my worth and to prove their worth.  Neither of which I had to do.  All I had to do was decide for myself what works and doesn’t and then live my life the way I want – fuck what anyone else thinks of it.  If it’s too boring for you, then fuck you for judging, asshole.  Try minding your own fucking business next time before my foot goes up your ass.

So basically I found a place where I was finally able to clear out my energy and find some peace with myself. I made some big changes and settled into my new life and really didn’t have a place for the Destin’s and Rion’s of the world.  I turned inward and let it all go.  I focused on my home life, family, exercise, studies, energy meditation and rest.  I cut ties with some people I’d bonded with during the turbulent years who were just bringing in more chaos.

And I spent a lot of time doing what on the outside would seem like nothing, or not much.  And it was here I found that “old me,” but without the unhappiness and self-hate.  It was like a purified version of my old self, coupled with the good things I’ve found along the way since then, either by accident or intention.  As I cleared out the energy inside, things on the outside got cleaner, too. 

As I was going through that process, I’d feel pissed.  I “wasted” a lot of time on bullshit coaching to deal with things I didn’t give a fuck about when the only thing I really needed was something I learned through an online program over a few weeks that cost a couple hundred bucks.  The big huge takeaway I got from Rion was in a free ebook that he’s archived and largely ignored (though that advice did change my life dramatically). 

And I felt embarrassed that I was trying to be this thing that was so not me and going out of my way to communicate myself as this thing, when all I really wanted was to live my simple life with more confidence and better energy.

Now I feel like – yah it was silly and wasteful, but maybe I needed to go through that shit to finally burn away the BS I’d been carrying my whole life that was making me unhappy. Because in the end, when I burned away the BS from that “evolved” period of time, the old crap burned away too.

It would be easy to say “gee, if I had only found the alcemy first, I could have burned away all that bad energy, healed myself and avoided all those mistakes and suffering.”  Yeah, sure.  But all that shit led me to the alchemy.  My soul clearly needed to go through a journey and a full purging to finally feel like a happy version of my old self. 

That seems like a long and painful way to just get back on the path I somehow veered off after college, but that’s not true.  The truth is, this path is the same “old path” but on a new timeline.  This is like the “me” I’d be out of college if I’d somehow cleared all the spiritual, emotional and other crap I’d been carrying around since birth. 

So depending on how I look at it, I either “wasted” twenty or so years of my life struggling to get to where I should have been all along, or in twenty years I managed to create for myself a whole new timeline (which is something that usually takes many life cycles of high-level spiritual practice to do), and I still have the rest of my life to actually live on that new timeline.

So now I come back here, because I have something to say and something to do in this world.

I can help people who are suffering.  I can help people who are going through the things I went through and who feel the way I felt.  I can listen.  I can help people with their financial matters, including on the energetic level.  I can help people change their reality from the inside-out on a cellular energetic level, like reincarnating in this lifetime.

That’s some pretty good shit.  It’s worth sharing.