Revisiting Men's Work

 I’ve been inspired/ called forth to engage more actively in my inner work, walking the path of a better man.  It’s not that I haven’t been doing any work – in fact over the past five years that I stepped away from the “men’s work,” I’ve done a LOT of things and undergone many changes. 

I dedicated myself to Taekwondo and advanced to a third degree black belt.  No small task.  I embraced my opposition to COVID lockdowns and mandates and used that energy to improve my health, my message, and even buy a house and car in Florida, and eventually to decide to live in that house part-time.  I also bought a new car and fully paid off the debt. 

I reconnected with things I love, namely fishing and skiing.  I became a better husband and father, and now a grandfather.

That’s a lot of work, especially for someone who “stepped away” from the work.  It was a process I needed to go through.

Since I established the Florida house as a second home, I began turning it into a spiritual and emotional “spa,” a place where I could relax, recharge, energize and go deeper into my spiritual practice.  The quiet, the solitude, the green surroundings, the space available in the home, the feeling of having my own house that I own and take responsibility for, the beach and water, and the way I consciously cultivated an energetic space and practice that’s fully and uniquely mine, led me back to a desire to reengage with the “men’s work” I put on pause about five years ago.

I found some good podcasts, some good resources and adjusted my spiritual practice to include some of the practices that helped me grow in the past.  And I’ve seen some very strong results in the couple months that I’ve revisited this journey.

And I’ve also rediscovered some challenges.

The fears that would wake me up at night returned – “STOP!  You’re going the wrong way!” “You’re throwing away your future!” “You can’t afford to do this!” “You’re not dedicated to your job and your career!”  “You’re too old!” “You haven’t accomplished anything in your life!”

So I would get out of bed, sit down at my meditation space and follow those feelings in.  What’s behind this feeling, this thought?  And what’s behind that?  Eventually it would all lead back to some form of “you’re not good enough.”  And what’s behind that?  A fear that I’m not good at making the right choices – and I have made a lot of poor choices in the past, and even more as I started going through this journey. 

But at this point I’ve come to the place where I’ve fallen on my ass a lot, and yah it sucks, but I always pick myself up and move forward. It’s tiring and frustrating, but here I am.  I have two great kids and the best relationship I’ve had with both of them.  I have a beautiful, loving wife and a very happy marriage that’s approaching a decade.  I finally have a house.  I’m doing the things I love, and accomplishing things I didn’t even have on my radar screen ten years ago.

So yeah, I’ve fucked up and fallen down, but I always seem to end up in a better place and a better quality of life.

The more work I do on myself the more I have to face my “old self” and the beliefs and patterns that weren’t serving me in the past.

I come up against a fear response. Often it seems it isn’t even really attached to anything.

I dig at it and “I’m not good enough” comes up. And what’s behind that? Scary stuff. And behind that? More scary stuff. And on and on until I get to a core that seems to be “generational,” I inherited this core fear, and now that I’m old enough to have a choice, I choose to reject it.

 

So that’s where I’m at - noticing, facing, digging and eliminating core fears that I inherited but I don’t accept as mine.

 

At the core is understanding myself.  My way is different. Maybe a little “irresponsible,” definitely not “by the book.” I’m not doing things according to tradition or conventional wisdom.

 

Whether I like it or not, I’m walking my own path.  And I realize I can’t stop myself. So, either accept it and put it to best use for me or let it run me and deal with this constant cycle of correction that feels like sabotage.

 

It’s clear something deeper is pulling me in this direction.  And at this point in my life

I don’t have the energy to debate it or argue with it, so I’m just going to accept it, however crazy, irrational, irresponsible or counter-intuitive it might seem.  I want to understand it so I can best serve that fire inside me and my rational and intuitive selves can serve in partnership.  I’ve accepted that I’m just going to go through the fears and accept that I’ll sometimes fuck up – though I’ll fuck up a lot less if I’m aligned and commit to going through the fears.