Thoughts As I Struggle with Meditation

It’s all about presence and stillness.  And every time I start thinking there’s something else, I’m reminded yet again that it’s all about presence and stillness.

I used to think the people who focused on meditation as the answer to everything were escapists.  And some of them truly are, because they’ve transformed a practice into a lifestyle, thus defeating the entire purpose of the practice. 

When I began going deep into meditation and stillness around the fall of 2016, letting go of unhealthy connections and radically simplifying my life, part of me thought I was escaping, too.  Because part of me was. 

When I began my practice, I wasn’t all-in.  I’m still not.  I’ve come a long way, and the results are striking, but it’s a journey.  There are still a lot of parts of me that get bored, distracted and bring up the low self-esteem negative talk that pulls me out of presence and into anxiety and fear. And there’s plenty of confirmation out there that I’m being boring and “not doing anything,” because I’m not out there on social media bragging about all the stuff I’m doing like everyone else.  But that’s just more proof of the problem, and the problem isn’t my practice, it’s the patterns that pull me and everyone else out of practice.

Despite all this, it gets better.  I find more stillness, I find more openness, I find more energy for the things in my life that truly matter, and less tolerance for the things in my life that don’t.  Things are changing – maybe more slowly than I’d like – for the better.

The sessions themselves are getting more powerful – my personal deepening is opening up my alchemy.

Sometimes it seems like it’s an uphill battle and the hill keeps going.  I always knew I was pretty uptight, but I didn’t know challenging it is to loosen and let go.  It should be easy, right?  You sit and do nothing.  I’ve been doing this for a long time.  And sometimes I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water.  Yes, it’s getting better.  Yes, it really is at the heart of the answers to my problems and the path for growth.  And yet it feels like – well, I should be better at this by now.

And there’s that ego again.  Comparing. Judging.  And the negative voice – why is it always saying I’m doing stuff poorly or things aren’t going well?  I never hear it say positive things, yet a lot of good things happen regularly in my life.  I actually have a really good life.  Not everything I want, but it’s good.  And yet that inner voice is sooooooo negative.  I guess there’s something deeper that is more positive and keeps me going forward.  But that negative inner voice – damn that thing is annoying and tiresome.

So I keep going.  I keep going deeper.  It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and yes, I am feeling more relaxed and open in my energy.  Despite the fact I’m inconsistent in my practice, despite my still having a very long ways to go, despite my negative inner voice and nervous tendencies.

I keep going.  I keep getting up – or sitting down – and meditating, again and again. I keep clearing and letting go.  And somewhere inside, under the constant negative chatter, there is something that understands my inner goodness and personal power, and keeps me going. I don’t give up, and it gets better.  I get better.  My life gets better.

Yes, it is all about presence and stillness.  It’s a practice.  I’m still working at it. And even though I think I’m not that good at it, it’s still working.