Men's Improvement: The Addiction of "Wanting to Be The Best In Bed."

I thought about not posting this.  I was afraid of the negative response I’d receive – from people I know, from the usual neener critics in my life.  But I have something to say. It may be edgy and controversial, it may elicit some drama from critics and people whose sacred oxes I gore.  But upon reflection, I feel that’s all the more reason to say what’s on my mind.  Having this space and constraining myself because the response might be inconvenient defeats the purpose of being here in the first place. I’m not here just to create controversy, but if something controversial or edgy needs to be said, I need to say it.  So have at it, critics…

There’s nothing wrong with mediocre sex.  The problem is being a mediocre person and staying in mediocre relationships.

I realize what I just said there is blasphemy in the SexTantaWeirdo communities, but it’s the absolute truth, so let me repeat.  There is NOTHING WRONG with mediocre sex.  In fact, in the overall scheme of things it’s a GOOD THING.

Let me explain.  The huge majority of connections you’re going to have in your life are going to be “average.”  The reality is human nature really does follow a bell curve, and most interactions are going to fall into that huge “middle of the curve” bell.  And that includes sexual connections.  Most people are not an amazing connection, just average. 

Now your average might look different than other people’s, but there’s still an average.  You’ll have some encounters that are amazing; you’ll have some that are just not good; and you’ll have some that are fun but basically… okay.  And that’s actually a good thing.  Every encounter shouldn’t be off the charts, that’s actually kind of a messed up goal and will take you to messed up places.

The SexTantraWeirdos are, well, after careful observation I’d say really fucked up, egocentric and psychologically disturbed dudes.  They’re, as far as I can see, mostly losers in life who have attached this ridiculous significance to “being the best sex she’s ever had to every woman I meet.”  And what do they have to show for it?  An oversized ego obsessed with sex, massive insecurity that oozes out everywhere, no money or in debt, and an abundance of fucked up drama relationships.

Like, UNBELEIVABLY. FUCKED. UP. Relationships.  The kind that make “mediocre” look awesome by comparison.

So they’ve constructed lives where they’re good in bed and shitty at life.  This is NOT a healthy lifestyle.

Also, and this is the really odd counterintuitive, many of these guys really suck at meeting new women and interacting like normal human beings. You’d think men who were gods in bed and put so much attention on this area would actually be pretty good at meeting new women, but a lot of them really suck at it.   Or they’ve created weird Tantra-quasi-prostitution circles.  It’s pretty fucked up.

Look, here’s the thing.  If you’re an insecure guy whose life has pretty much sucked as long as he’s been alive, then cultivating the ability to make women feel AMAZINGLY good in bed is going to sound like the magic ticket out of Loserville.  And it does feel really good, from an ego standpoint.  Maybe too good.

But in the long run it’s foolish and destructive.  Obsessing over this aspect of life will not get you out of Loserville.  The best you’ll get is a 30-year mortgage on a penthouse suite in a nicer area of Loserville.  Maybe you can aspire to being Mayor someday.  You’ll have pretty high status among the residents or Loserville.  But at the end of the day, there’s going to be a moment of reflection when you have to acknowledge your life is a fucking joke.  And at that point, you might not be able to get yourself out.

Being a really good lover is awesome.  Maxing out that skillset on every single woman you meet – not smart.  Making it your goal in life to be the *absolute best lover* for every woman you ever meet – really dumb.

Think of it this way.  You learn a martial art.  You get really good and now you have this great skill.  Hopefully you integrate that skill to create a fuller life with more strength and confidence.  Because if your goal was to use your power to kick the ass of everyone who ever did or does you wrong, or running around trying to prove you are the most alpha fighter in the world (and we know people like this, right?), your life is going to suck, perhaps permanently so.

Most people kind of intuitively know obsessing over one thing in life is not healthy, but the temptation to obsess over sexual performance for men is a powerful drug.  You get that “high” from doing that, and it’s hard to maintain a balanced perspective.  Especially if you’re a man who hasn’t had any taste of success in other areas of life.  Men need to feel they’re good at something, and feeling he’s good at making women feel good… feels really good for a man.  And if he hasn’t had experiences of feeling good about himself up to that point, it’ll be addictive.

I’ve noticed the men who fell into that obsession earned a reputation for “being good,” and were surrounded by some of the shittiest relationships and psycho women I’ve ever seen in my life.  They’re so obsessed with not being normal that they have no idea what a normal, healthy relationship looks like.  (They’re actually quite nice, really.)

I realize this runs counter to men’s ego, but it’s better to dial back a little at first and gauge her energy.  See if you and she are compatible first.  In most cases, you won’t be that compatible – it’ll be kind of “meh” – so why would you want to try to make her obsessed with you?  There can only be two reasons – one, you’re so insecure you need validation from everyone, even people you don’t like that much or two, you’re so insecure about finding another sex partner you have to invest all your energy into making *this* one *the best* even if deep down she isn’t really what you want, because deep down you fear it could be the last sexual relationship you’ll ever have.

In either case THAT’S REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP. 

If you and she are an “average” connection, then mediocre sex is fine.  Really. You two have fun for a while and then move on without much hard feelings.  She should be allowed to forget about you and you should have enough maturity and confidence in yourself to let her forget, if she’s not someone you want to remember.  And you should also have enough maturity and confidence to NOT SETTLE out of fear or low self-esteem.

Being able to dial it back, be cool, and let her go is a sign of confidence and maturity.  And in the long run it’ll actually make you a better lover.  In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best move a guy can learn if he want to be really good in bed is learning when it’s not working well and letting women go with grace.  Moving on is a very important and largely underdeveloped skillset.  Obsessing over “being the best” will get you typecast as, well, that weirdo who is obsessed about being the best in bed.  It reeks of insecurity and it’ll severely limit your life in a lot of ways.

Plus, it feels a lot more natural to offer something really special when the connection is really special.  Things work a lot better, and you have a strong attachment with someone you actually enjoy being with, instead of one of these psycho one-sided attachments.

Let me put a finer point on this – INTENTIONALLY trying to be the BEST.LOVER. EVER.  with women you don’t feel the same way about – it’s selfish and abusive.  It’s not “giving,” it’s taking.  It’s YOU putting your EGO ahead of someone else’s feelings.  It’s manipulative and deceitful.  It’s fucking uncool.  And if you’re the guy who constructs his life to be that guy who NEEDS to be HER BEST, no matter what, it’s going to come out.  And guess what?  You’ll be surrounded by women who are the same – they just want to use you for their own benefit.  (Or women you’ve turned into psycho stalkers out of your abusive ego needs – congratulations, asshole.)

And some guys will say – SWEET! Yah, immature, selfish, short-sighted boys will say that.  And guys stuck in Loserville who never grow up and never make anything out of their lives.

If you’re a man who wants to get better at sex, you might initially look up to those men who are “every woman’s best,” but eventually you’ll reach a level in your life where you’ll see those “men” for the pathetic men-children they are.  They’re not strong men worthy of respect, and at some point you’ll realize you have a lot more going for you than they do and kick yourself for ever looking up to these guys. 

Now look, for a lot of men (most men) “mediocre sex” is all they know.  And that’s not okay.  You want to get good at this and step up in life.  It’s part of being a quality man.  PART OF, not ALL OF.

What I’m saying here is, yes, learn the skills.  It’s good for you.  But be aware of the ego trap.  

Addictions come in many forms, and this one can be particularly difficult to overcome.  A good sex life is an important part of a good life, but it is only part.  It is not the foundation, and it is certainly not the main or only aspect of a good life.  Notice where the ego wants to draw you into obsession and imbalance, or where you’re using one aspect of life to compensate for deficiencies in other aspects.  Balance and perspective are essential to living a good, happy life.