Slowing Down: Keep Meditating, Keep Breathing

I’ve been very quiet, with very little blogging activity and even less activity writing outside of this blog.  Apart from being very busy with work and family holiday activities, I’ve been quiet off the blog, too.  I’m going with the flow of the season – quiet, slow, going inward.  This has been the continuation of the trend that began last year of slowing down and going inward.

In my mind it’s felt anything but slow and quiet – all kinds of thoughts and emotions coming up, unprocessed feelings, memories, long-standing internal conflicts.  All the while I continued meditating, continued slowing down.  It felt like nothing was happening – I’m meditating more, why do I feel LESS centered?  Why is all this stuff coming up?

And so I’d work through the stuff and keep going inward. 

Then I’d think about how I’m not getting anywhere with this.  I still feel stress, I still have sleepless nights, I still replay things or worry.  I’m supposed to be finding stillness and I’m sitting here feeling distracted.

And I’d keep going.  Keep meditating.  Often it would feel like a waste because I’d sit the whole time and never still my thoughts, spend the whole time thinking of things.

And still I’d keep going inward.

And I started thinking about all I’m missing out by going inward.  I’m not doing stuff, I’m wasting my life.  I’m becoming a bit of a shut-in and a loner.  I thought about the writing I wasn’t doing, the activities I wasn’t doing, the people I wasn’t meeting, the coaching practice I haven’t done anything with lately. 

And I’d keep sitting and meditating, focusing on my breath. 

I’d keep waking up in the middle of the night and struggling to fall back asleep.  I’d keep finding myself fighting to avoid reaching for the smartphone.  And I’d think “shouldn’t I be better at this?”  With all the resources, the things I’ve learned and done, shouldn’t I be making Jedi progress during this time instead of slogging through?

And I’d keep meditating, keep breathing.

Oh and the thoughts – do I really want to keep writing for Destin?  Why am I stuck on my writing for so long?  Why does it feel like I’m backsliding?  Why am I always worrying about money and what I can’t do because I have to sacrifice right now?

And… I’d keep meditating.  Keep breathing.

Keep thinking I’m getting nowhere but I’m going to keep doing this anyhow. And for months, nothing would happen. Well, things happened, a lot of things.  But stillness and peace weren’t among those things.  I started thinking back to times two years ago and four years ago when I was just in this place of awesome stillness. What happened?  Where did it go?  How do I get that back?  Why is this so hard when I’m spending so much time meditating.

And I’d keep meditating.  Keep breathing. 

For weeks it felt like banging my head against a wall, or worse.  I was distracted by current events and past drama.  I was acting reactively.  Yet things were okay.  Mostly I was calm and peaceful and enjoying my simple life.  I just didn’t have that Zen feeling anymore.  But I was actually doing okay overall.  I was aware of my habits I wanted to change and I was actually pretty happy with my simple, quiet life, even if I felt guilty and ashamed of it at times, that Fear of Missing Out.

And I kept meditating, kept breathing.

And things started opening up slightly.  I felt moments of that old Zen feeling.  Then longer moments. And now it feels like it’s shifted back and I’m connected with that old Zen self again. 

Other things changed too.  I began studying Thai again – it’s been so long I just wouldn’t do anything.  Now it feels good. 

And I keep meditating, keep breathing.

I see this year starting off as a continuation of last year – that is to say, a bit of a slog.  This will be a year of living simply, but one where that simple life will pay off with massive progress toward my big goals. The year will begin with a lot of work and sacrifice, but open up at the end.

And the struggle with thoughts and feelings is all part of it.  By slowing down I’m actually allowing these thoughts and feelings to surface so I can process, instead of running or distracting myself from them.  I’m not doing things, I’m specifically not doing.  And this allows me to really look at what it is I’ve been doing and decide if it’s worthwhile. 

And a lot of what I’ve been doing isn’t worthwhile.  It isn’t me.  And by “doing things” I’m missing out on far more than if I do nothing.

It’s a big reset button.  If all I do is focus my energy on being a good dad and husband, doing my job well, and stillness, I’ll be accomplishing more than ever have.  Anything I add to this will be coming from the heart, consciously chosen.  Or I could spend the year meditating in my free time and deepening my relationship to stillness and not add anything.  Maybe that alone is enough. 

So the journey inward continues.  I feel there is a lot of gold here and I’ll emerge a better man.  And maybe those things I used to think were so important to say, to publish, to “add value,” maybe those things were getting in the way of my true value.  Maybe this silence is the best way I can serve right now.

And so I keep meditating, keep breathing.

 

Thank You, 2016!

This “going inward” has been difficult but incredibly rewarding. 

This week’s lesson has been embracing gratitude and forgiveness. 

Gratitude.  Man, how long have I been preaching that word and never really putting it to work for myself?  But yes, gratitude.  Gratitude and forgiveness, these are the tools to eliminate stress and find happiness. 

Forgiveness allows our minds to stop wandering back.  We forgive others for the wrongs they’ve done.  We forgive ourselves for things that leave us feeling guilty or ashamed.  Then we can focus on the present.  Until our minds drag us into the future, because things are never good enough in the here and now.

Then at some point I decide, fuck it.  I’m going to enjoy my life, just the way it is, right now.  I’m going to be happy with who I am and what I have now. 

So at this point in my journey inward I tried on gratitude, really tried it on.  And felt how, yes, I have a really good life.  And I do.  I have a lot of really wonderful things in my life, and I put them there.  And I sunk into really enjoying those good things I have.  It felt so good!

And then something clicked, I really have everything I need to be happy.  All these thoughts of “sacrifice” or “going without” are really just looking at things from the wrong perspective.  The questions I need to be asking are “how can I fully enjoy this life, just as it is?” and “how can I get the most enjoyment out of this life without spending any money?”  It’s not hard when I start thinking this way.

The greatest obstacles to my full expression of my power are not external.  It’s not really even a matter of studying, though that’s some of it.  It’s mostly resolving these lifelong internal conflicts, clearing my energy pathways to allow the energy to flow.

Gratitude. Really being with the good things I have in my life.

Gratitude lets go of future-thinking, forgiveness lets go of past-thinking, and then there is just here and now.  Which is great.

Who says 2016 sucked? It sure hasn’t for me.  This year has been my best yet.  Personally, things are really great with my little family at home and my life is good now.  There were some choppy parts earlier in the year, but really even that wasn’t too bad, it was mostly me worrying too much. Things have been good.

The earth is experiencing a massive spiritual awakening, creating all kinds of turmoil but also opening up all kinds of amazing possibilities.  I’m grateful for the awakening energy and the changes it’s bringing about.  Things are getting better and humanity will experience awakening like never before. 

Yes, those who refuse to accept or who are resistant will experience suffering. But if you look, you’ll see in most cases these people were creating massive suffering and energetic oppression in the world.  Now they have to deal with their own energetic attitude adjustment – that’s a good thing.

I’m grateful for my own awakening powers. 2016 was the year my gifts came into my awareness and I set forth on my alchemy path.  Which brought me here.

So thank you 2016.  This is the best year so far, with many more amazing years to follow.

Observations as I Slow Down and Look Inward

I haven’t been posting.  The message I keep getting is to slow down and disengage from the unhealthy habits.  To keep slowing down and centering and allowing my energy to transform – that the work is being done for me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m failing at this seemingly simple task.  But that actually goes to show that, first, it’s not a simple task at all; second, bringing awareness to how I’m not slowing down and centering is bringing me closer to my goal; and third, this is where I’m supposed to be.

It doesn’t seem like an exciting way to transform, but this is actually a very intense transformation process, precisely because it’s not about “doing something.”  I’m weaning myself off the social media, internet news and similar energy leaks.  And it’s hard.  And my “not doing” is making this challenge more acute.  Which is the whole point.  The phone and computer is a distraction that keeps me disconnected from my higher self. 

And I am making progress, head-on.  It’s challenging because I’m not giving myself another out – my slowing down means more time and energy going inside and really being with myself.  Which makes the urge to distract myself that much stronger.  And at the same time I’m accessing my phone and internet less and less.  Which means more energy connecting inside.

And connecting inside brings up a lot of anxiety.  I haven’t been sleeping well and it’s interrupted. Shouldn’t I be feeling more centered instead of less? Because I’m actually being with myself and finally being with these anxieties.  So it feels like it’s getting worse, but it’s actually getting better – it’s just that I wasn’t letting myself face all of my internal stress.

Other distractions come up – fear of missing out (FOMO), illusions around my “not doing enough,” worries about my lack of writing and lack of production with Destin, worries about work, worries about money.  But this is all what’s meant to be.  When I’m not distracting myself, this is what comes up.  I have anxieties and values conflicts that need to be faced and released.  And that takes time and a commitment to returning to center, again and again. 

And through this process, things are coming up.  Here are some realizations I’m experiencing through this process:

1.       Loneliness and disconnection are what happen when I value expectations and beliefs above what’s true in my heart. This time of quiet and alone has helped me understand my past behavior and what was going on.  I was never alone or rejected – I was choosing disconnected association for ego over genuine connection, which was always in front of me.  The reason I wasn’t in with the “cool kids” was because I just didn’t feel connected to them – my energy didn’t resonate and I didn’t find those associations fulfilling.  But I listened to that anxious voice telling me I needed to be cool, and be with the cool kids, instead of listening to my heart and being with people I enjoyed hanging out with.  Later in life I valued meaningless connections that I thought served ego need, instead of just enjoying connections. 

2.       It is even more difficult to find center when outside things go the way I want than when they don’t.  When big events turn out the way I want, it’s difficult to let go of those feel-good emotions and triggers.  I want more.  When things don’t go the way I want, I feel bad for a little while, but then quickly move on – who wants to feel bad?  But the external feel-good is actually a ruse.  It’s keeping me from moving through my internal stuff and raise my real energy, which is the real feel-good.

3.       Facebook actually feeds disconnection.  Real friendships don’t exist on Facebook.  It’s good for keeping in contact with people spread out through space and time, but it also replaces real connection.  It fools me into thinking I’m keeping up with my friends when I’m further away.  It reinforces the anxiety-driven value of staying vaguely connected with many people I don’t really care about over a few real friendships. 

4.       When I fully embraced being alone, I found my real friends.  I didn’t want to, but I listened to my higher self and pulled away from the BS “friendships.”  I went all the way alone and still.  And I learned to live with that feeling of loneliness that would come up, and all the ego-driven emotions that come up along with that. Then I found myself organically connecting with my real friends.  I even found better friendships with my real Facebook “friends,” because I was actually connection.  I wasn’t trying to do anything, I just wasn’t afraid of being alone and then my truth emerged.

5.       My critics and attackers are shadow.  Yes, even those physically in front of my face.  I’ve defined myself lately by my enemies.  And yes, there are people who stand opposed to me, or at least make it clear they don’t like me.  And they’re real, they’re people.  But the attacks, and my reactions, are pure imagination.  It’s shadow. This is a liberating realization, my enemies are shadow.

6.       Not every negative reaction is shadow.  This flies in the face of New-Age spiritual teaching that says any negative reaction is bad – it’s judgment, it’s anger, it’s my issues coming up.  Sometimes that’s true.  And other times it’s something deeper, that reaction is a manifestation of my truth.  There are a lot of people with a lot of followers who are completely full of shit.  There are a lot of people who are toxic.  There are practices that are fraught with spiritual issues.  The difference is I’m learning I don’t have to react – I can pull back and observe, just wait for the Karmic wheel to turn.  And sure enough, the people and things I’ve strongly disliked turned out to be bad.  Almost always that feeling of revulsion or extreme irritation is completely justified.  Now I just wait and see.

7.       There’s a little voice inside me, saying “I should be doing that.  What am I not doing that?”  And that little voice is always wrong, 100% of the time.  Usually this comes up when #6 comes up.  I get a strong negative feeling toward someone or something.  Then I think “oh, that must be my shadow,” and “oh look, this person is doing this and that, and I think I want to do those things, too.  Then the circle completes itself and I realize my initial negative reaction was actually the right one all along.  As I move more into stillness, my ability to separate ego reactions from energetic reactions becomes better and will eliminate these conflicts.

8.       The voice of my heart’s desire is quiet and its express is very simple.  My heart doesn’t want much.  This bothers my ego, but that’s a cue to go deeper into stillness, not to ignore my heart because I feel I need to “do something.”

9.       My powers get stronger the less I “doing.” I’m actually accomplishing much more by “doing” less. 

10.   I’ve needed to pay better attention to my body.  Things like gut yeast and issues related to years of accumulated stress hadn’t been addressed as I was distracted by “doing things.”  Cleaning out the gut yeast and cortisol and moving toward a more balanced internal system has been good and long overdue. 

Owning My Spiritual Gifts

One of My New Bracelets - Tigers Eye and Labradorite

 

I have been away for a while, as my desire to be silent has been stronger than my desire to keep posting new stuff.  During this time, I have had some success at kicking my caffeine addiction and getting my adrenal system in balance, and apart from that bringing my energy in, learning to listen and not react.

I even found some new jewelry that I’ve been making myself.  By fortunate accident, my jade bracelet exploded from an energy burst and I had to replace the elastic string.  As I bought the string, I also bought some other beads and began fashioning some bracelets that are pretty powerful (and look good, too).  All this while being quiet and generally being off the grid.

Then something very interesting came up.  A friend who is very spiritually gifted (but not spiritually grounded) was recounting how she recently discovered her once-beloved ashram was in fact a cult – and how she’s separating and healing from both this realization and the trauma she endured while living there.  When I read her account, I wasn’t at all surprised.  It was my energy reading of the “ashram” from the beginning. 

But the thing is I knew this place was dark and full of entanglements from the very first time I became aware of it.  I’d get invitations to go and that vision would come up.  But then I’d push those visions away – oh, people like Destin and Rion who went there are so spiritually advanced, surely they must know more than me.  If they see it as good, my vision must be a distortion.  Maybe it’s jealousy or something in me. 

But the visions kept coming.  My wife, who is unaware of her own energetic gifts but whose energy is totally clean and grounded, couldn’t be at the same table as my friend.  (I got a similar bad vibe, but I’m more used to being around people with powerful energy that is off, so it doesn’t usually trigger me.)  She sensed the entanglements distorting my friend’s strong energy and wanted nothing to do with that mess.  And again, I pushed these energetic warning signs down, I didn’t say anything (I wanted to SOOOOO many times after that day, but doubted myself too much).  Again I assumed, Destin is good, he is advanced, it must be okay.

Now I see things in a different light that makes sense.  It’s not that I’m right and Destin is wrong, it’s that we’re both right, but my interpretation was distorted.  This is the biggest problem with my gifts – I can see and sense things, but my interpretations become distorted because I don’t believe enough in myself to bring out my gifts and speak them clearly.  Too much fear and doubt.

But I was 100% right.  The “ashram” was a cult, the energy was dark and full of spiritual entanglements.  Yes, they’re powerful, but badly misusing their power and engaging in mind control and abuse.  These are NOT good people.  And the spiritual entanglements had infected my friend very deeply, to the point that her energy field was actually a bit dangerous.

I wasn’t ready to say anything then.  I hadn’t done the work to get to the level where I could understand and give voice to my intuition with conviction, much less be able to do anything about it.  (And what good is it to tell someone “your energy is fucked and that ashram you love is an evil cult,” and then walk away like your job is done?  That’s like a doctor saying “you have cancer,” and then leaving his patient to their own devices.

So I kept quiet and eventually heeded my calling to begin my work.  Then the truth comes out in black and white – everything I knew to be true was revealed to be true.  All of it. 

And for me this is my message – I’m ready now.  I’m getting much better at articulating my energetic sense and I can resolve things energetically.  I understand how things work now, my conflicts have finally been resolved.

I get it.  Yes, Destin is a good man, and a powerful man.  But he is not me.  He is not interested in keeping his energy clean.  He actually likes the rush of getting into spiritual entanglements, and he’s attracted to women with spiritual issues.  He likes to surf the dark side.  It’s not that he’s morally compromised, he just likes the thrill and the edge.  He wants to try everything.  Me?  No.  I want to keep my energy clean and use it to help others. 

And this explains a lot.  It explains why I’m energetically repulsed by a lot of people in Destin’s tribe, while feeling good about Destin’s energy.  He’s attracted to the bad energy, but he doesn’t embody it. Maybe his wide variety of experiences has immunized him to some extent.  It explains why he’d be head over heels for someone who looks beautiful but whose energy would make me nauseous.  We’re both right, but because our paths are different, our reactions are different too.  He enjoys the polarity, and I’m physically repulsed by that bad energy (something that’s served me well but which I didn’t understand).

It explains why I am drawn to Rion’s powers while at the same time very skeptical of his judgment and not so anxious to follow him when he goes down a rabbit hole. I heard the stories from Etienne about how much shit he had to clear out after Rion’s trip to the ashram, and I’m sure he acquired some crap from his latest Tantra certification, too.

The message here is to trust my sense and further hone my ability to clearly and accurately explain it. It’s clear I have something special to offer and the world really needs this vision and clarity.  It also makes me more committed to create my own spiritual temple, to show the world what an energetically clean and uplifting temple looks like.

 

Pyramids and Trump: Truth Is Activated

During the past three weeks we have experienced major energetic changes.  There was the world energetic shift that brought about the election of Donald Trump as US President, and the ensuing collapse of the US media cabal; On November 16 the Pyramids of Egypt were reactivated; Etienne’s book “The History of the Universe” was unveiled on Amazon and can be purchased here. 

It’s a lot of energy, a lot of activity, and I haven’t been available to help readers wade through everything.  But let me start by saying the change has happened, but many will either not be aware of it or are actively in denial and now fully living in a false world of their own illusion rather than surrender to what is (they took the blue pill, for those familiar with the Matrix movies). 

The reason many will not know everything has changed is because those we thought were in charge have been discredited and are now living in denial.  The media was exposed by Wikileaks as a fraud for months and then fully discredited on Election Day in the US.  This isn’t the first time the media has been exposed, but this time the energetic structures holding them in place died.  What we now see as the media is people living in illusion, the media as we know it has been disintegrated.  The Cabal, as represented by Hillary Clinton and many others, is gone.  The energetic structure died over a year ago, but now the edifice is gone too.  Those in the Cabal are either in denial (witness the freakout in the US over a rather uneventful election result) or have woken up (Mitt Romney seems to have woken up, others are, too).

Others are living in denial as well.  While the Dali Lama is surrendering to what is, he is almost alone among the leadership of the spiritual community.  Pope Francis is heavily in denial (though he was never truly a spiritual leader, he was brought in to politicize the Catholic religion).  The so-called “spiritual leaders” are showing their true colors – attachment to outcome, attachment to being right, judgment and hysteria over a normal US election.

Pretty much everyone holding themselves out as a spiritual/ thought leader has been exposed as a fraud.  The Integral Community has shown itself to be nothing but San Francisco political groupthink with some fancy terminology and NLP hocus-pocus.  I saw through them when they were saying the election of Obama and the Iran nuclear deal were proof the world was evolving.  I had to laugh at the obvious delusion and logical disconnect of these people.  Now they’re deep in attachment to outcome, pridefulness, arrogance and just plain silliness as they march in delusional lock-step with the rest of the extreme American left.

This isn’t about left-right politics.  It’s about attachment-nonattachment, ego-surrender.  And right now the people who claim themselves on the side of nonattachment and surrender are being exposed as the most passionately attached, prideful and clinging to their own belief systems.  I’ve seen this coming for years, and especially this year as energies have come to a head, but the election has pulled off whatever patina there was that covered the “spiritual community.”

There is good news in all this.  If you’ve been following me and listening, you have heard this message before.  Nothing should surprise you.  Trump was either going to win outright or the transformation brought forth by his catalyst energy would transform everything.  Now it’s come to pass. Those who claimed to be spiritual leaders are now fully exposed, they’re done.  This will allow the true spiritual leadership to emerge, the last will be first and the first will be last.

What does this mean?  It means a few things.  First, leaders like Etienne, and others who have been speaking the truth and getting pushed aside, now have the floor.  Second, if you’ve been listening and following this, you’re not bothered by the election, things aren’t bothering you, you’re in the flow and things are going well while everything around you seems like chaos.  If you’ve been listening but suffering distortions because of the delusion of the leadership, now those distortions are lifted and you’ll gain clarity.  You’ll be okay.

If you’re still attached to the failed models of New Age spirituality, to failed ego-based models like Ken Wilber’s “Integral” model, or to ego-based quasi-spiritual “skepticism,” things will look like a disaster as the world you know is disintegrating.  The length of your suffering will be just as long as your determination to remain committed to these false paradigms.  It’s up to you. 

The media has been lying to us.  In Britain and the US, people woke up and saw through the lies. Wikileaks shined a light on the ruse, but most people had already stopped listening to the media.  Unfortunately, the majority of the “spiritual community” didn’t wake up.  They have still been deeply enmeshed in the media delusion, which is all about distracting people to fit a predetermined narrative.  It’s propaganda, and it’s become so desperate and tortured that it became obvious to anyone not willfully committed to conscious delusion.

This “distortion to fit a narrative” media manipulation, and the willful gullibility of the spiritual movement, has been an annoying struggle this year.  Otherwise smart and skeptical people would buy into the inventions and I’d have to remind them not to swallow the hook.  Now they’re dumbstruck, wondering how they ended up in such echo chambers, lamely trying to “start a dialogue” with people they’ve treated with utter disdain their entire careers, if not their lives. 

Yes, I’m venting a bit.  I’m happy the veil has been lifted, and I’m gratified that things I’ve pointed out were lies when it wasn’t popular have come to pass.  I’m glad that my “bullshit detector” is working well.  I’m not upset that people wouldn’t listen to me – I expect that.  I’m glad the people who wouldn’t listen to me are finally understanding the truth.  And I’m glad people like you were listening and helping to create the foundation of the true spiritual revolution that is now upon us.

I Am Responsible For All My Suffering

I’m using this weekend as an opportunity for meditation, observation and reflection.  I need to clear out my energy and get clear about things, and then chart a new course. 

Last night, after a good workout at the gym, I came home and meditated.  But it was different, I felt a different connection with my crystals, and particularly my crystal ball.  I haven’t used my obsidian crystal ball in a long time, but last night I held it and was communicating with the archetypes.  They were helping me to gain clarity and understand my purpose.

One of the first realizations that came up was that my home is in Thailand, and it feels like it’ll be a very long time before I can even go back just to visit.  The archetypes explained that Thailand is an important part of my destiny and that I’ve lost connection. This made me feel very sad, because it’s true, I’ve lost a lot of connection – and I do feel like I’m away from my heart’s home.  But at the same time, I love my family life here in the US and really love my son, who is still young, and the time we spend together.  (Of course I love both my sons, but my older son is pretty much on his own now.)  And of course I’m going to be here for a long time, working and taking care of my son. Does this mean I have to put my purpose on hold for years and years?

The archetypes agreed this wasn’t a good solution and something needed to be done.  They also explained that it is because my “heart” is anchored in Thailand that my money has been flowing to Thailand instead of staying here, which has caused me tremendous stress.  Yes, a lot of that problem has been resolved with my wife working, but this only created other problems and stress and feeling things are not right.

The archetypes agreed this isn’t a good arrangement and agreed to re-anchor my heart and root energy so it’s with me now and not elsewhere.  Then they began explaining my purpose in life, why it’s been my destiny to go through suffering and stress.  Through most of my life I’ve been conflicted – my ego has been in strong opposition to my heart and true life path.  This has led to so many problems which I’m still struggling with.  My ego is constantly worrying because it fears and resists everything my heart is trying to do. 

I felt really sad hearing this.  It’s like I’ve been dragged kicking and screaming to this place.  Am I going to have to keep suffering?  Why does everything have to be a struggle?  Do I have to be exhausted and have so many root issues?  Why can’t I have some peace and relax?  What do I have to do to get out of my way?

The answer – no, you don’t have to suffer.  You have to release your fears, surrender and follow your heart.  But how do I know I’m following my heart?  I’ve done so many foolish things when I thought I was following my heart and it turned out I was full of shit.  Answer – some of those things were things that had to be as part of your destiny and we are sorry it had to be so painful for you.  Those things weren’t mistakes, you just couldn’t understand and weren’t ready to surrender.  Other things had to happen so you would be ready to dissolve your ego and fears and surrender.  And other things, yes, were foolish mistakes on your part, but those things ended up having little consequence apart from the pain caused by your own ego.

“You see,” they said, “your pain has been entirely of your own choice.  It is because your ego has been defiant and stubborn in its fear, and you have chosen to value that fear above your own heart’s desire, that you have suffered.  Your fate was never to simply live a stable, comfortable life.  You look at the uncertainty and different nature of your life and compare it to the many comfortable, stable and happy people you know and you feel sad.  You feel disconnected.  But you feel disconnected from what your ego imagines you should have, not what your heart knows is your truth.  The pain is your ego’s interpretation of your unique path as failure because it looks so different than everyone else’s.”

So how do I finally release this ego, this fear, and allow myself to surrender?  “You just do.  All you need to do is clear out your energy and surrender to your true path.  It is your ego that is the source of your suffering.  Release the ego and everything will follow.”

At this point I felt very sad but I also felt a sense of peace.  My ego is very negative, full of shame and judgment.  I’ve believed it got me through all the rough times, but looking at it now I believe it was what was responsible for my getting into those situations in the first place. 

This is why I needed this reflection.  Everything related to ego needs to go.  So no, I don’t need to chart a new course, because that would just be another ego adventure, and that needs to go.

Today I worked out.  A lot.  And then I went to beach and walked and sat and contemplated and walked some more. I saw police having a confrontation with someone and then saw paramedics come in and actually diffuse the situation.  There’s ego and heart playing out in real life in front of me.  Ego – the cops and the suspect, neither one backing down.  Heart – the Fire Department paramedic breaking through. 

This is the lesson, this is what is meant by “follow your heart, let everything else go.”

All the problems in my life now, or in my past, are a manifestation of my ego resisting – either clinging to something I should let go or fighting something I should surrender and accept.  All the fear and anxiety – just ego. 

Time to Wake Up

I finished proofing Etienne’s “The History of the Universe,” which took longer than I thought it would.  It’s not easy proofing, and it’s much more difficult when I’m having to also integrate the energy from the book – it seems like every time I read it there’s a new breakthrough.

I’ve reached the point where my life simply cannot continue on the path it’s been going.  I’ve been locked into a path of habit and comfort and my heart is yearning for something different, something my mind still wants to look away from.

This week I received another wake-up call that I cannot expect life to simply coast along.  Things are changing and my reality is changing with them.  I cannot hold onto things, even things I love.  And I cannot hold onto things I dislike or cause me stress, either.  Everything changes and all energy must be allowed to flow. 

When I violate that rule, the tension builds up until there’s a crisis and then I have no choice but to change.  And that’s what’s been happening, I’ve been feeling more stuck, more tired, more stressed, and then something happens and I realize whatever I’ve been holding onto tightly I must let go.

I look at other people around me – their lives don’t change much.  They get to enjoy things and their lives seem pretty comfortable and prosperous.  And while wealth is something that will be available to me as I move forward the comfortable life of ease is not my destiny. Change is a part of my life, and now I’m placing my attention on using that energy to consciously create a future I want.

Things had become comfortable in many ways, but also have gone off-track.   Even when I found comfort, it seems I’d have to fight to keep other people and things from trying to take it away.  But really that’s because I’m not meant to sit still.

While my energy has been expanding, my life has become complacent.  And now, once again, that illusion of complacency is being exposed – nothing stays the same.  I need to be in front of this instead of reacting to external forces. I need to learn this lesson from the past and guide the ship. 

And so I’m spending time in meditation and contemplation, surrendering to the universe and finding my map.  The fatigue and frustration was the sign, the events this week are the wake-up call.

Whenever I find myself fantasizing about doing things differently in my past, that’s my higher self pointing me in the direction of my true path.  My true self is trying to lay the foundation in my timeline to manifest the changes that I need to make to align with my true purpose.  I need to listen to these thoughts and feelings and live my life carrying those lessons forward.

Because I can’t sit still.  The universe is kicking me in the butt and I need to change.