I haven’t been posting.
The message I keep getting is to slow down and disengage from the
unhealthy habits. To keep slowing down
and centering and allowing my energy to transform – that the work is being done
for me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m failing at this seemingly simple
task. But that actually goes to show
that, first, it’s not a simple task at all; second, bringing awareness to how I’m
not slowing down and centering is bringing me closer to my goal; and third,
this is where I’m supposed to be.
It doesn’t seem like an exciting way to transform, but this
is actually a very intense transformation process, precisely because it’s not
about “doing something.” I’m weaning
myself off the social media, internet news and similar energy leaks. And it’s hard. And my “not doing” is making this challenge
more acute. Which is the whole
point. The phone and computer is a
distraction that keeps me disconnected from my higher self.
And I am making progress, head-on. It’s challenging because I’m not giving
myself another out – my slowing down means more time and energy going inside
and really being with myself. Which
makes the urge to distract myself that much stronger. And at the same time I’m accessing my phone
and internet less and less. Which means
more energy connecting inside.
And connecting inside brings up a lot of anxiety. I haven’t been sleeping well and it’s
interrupted. Shouldn’t I be feeling more centered instead of less? Because I’m
actually being with myself and finally being with these anxieties. So it feels like it’s getting worse, but it’s
actually getting better – it’s just that I wasn’t letting myself face all of my
internal stress.
Other distractions come up – fear of missing out (FOMO),
illusions around my “not doing enough,” worries about my lack of writing and
lack of production with Destin, worries about work, worries about money. But this is all what’s meant to be. When I’m not distracting myself, this is what
comes up. I have anxieties and values
conflicts that need to be faced and released.
And that takes time and a commitment to returning to center, again and
again.
And through this process, things are coming up. Here are some realizations I’m experiencing
through this process:
1.
Loneliness and disconnection are what
happen when I value expectations and beliefs above what’s true in my heart. This
time of quiet and alone has helped me understand my past behavior and what was
going on. I was never alone or rejected –
I was choosing disconnected association for ego over genuine connection, which was
always in front of me. The reason I wasn’t
in with the “cool kids” was because I just didn’t feel connected to them – my energy
didn’t resonate and I didn’t find those associations fulfilling. But I listened to that anxious voice telling
me I needed to be cool, and be with the cool kids, instead of listening to my
heart and being with people I enjoyed hanging out with. Later in life I valued meaningless
connections that I thought served ego need, instead of just enjoying
connections.
2.
It is even more difficult to find center
when outside things go the way I want than when they don’t. When big events turn out the way I want,
it’s difficult to let go of those feel-good emotions and triggers. I want more.
When things don’t go the way I want, I feel bad for a little while, but
then quickly move on – who wants to feel bad?
But the external feel-good is actually a ruse. It’s keeping me from moving through my
internal stuff and raise my real energy, which is the real feel-good.
3.
Facebook actually feeds disconnection. Real friendships don’t exist on
Facebook. It’s good for keeping in
contact with people spread out through space and time, but it also replaces
real connection. It fools me into
thinking I’m keeping up with my friends when I’m further away. It reinforces the anxiety-driven value of
staying vaguely connected with many people I don’t really care about over a few
real friendships.
4.
When I fully embraced being alone, I
found my real friends. I didn’t want
to, but I listened to my higher self and pulled away from the BS “friendships.” I went all the way alone and still. And I learned to live with that feeling of
loneliness that would come up, and all the ego-driven emotions that come up
along with that. Then I found myself organically connecting with my real
friends. I even found better friendships
with my real Facebook “friends,” because I was actually connection. I wasn’t trying to do anything, I just wasn’t
afraid of being alone and then my truth emerged.
5.
My critics and attackers are shadow. Yes, even those physically in front of my
face. I’ve defined myself lately by
my enemies. And yes, there are people
who stand opposed to me, or at least make it clear they don’t like me. And they’re real, they’re people. But the attacks, and my reactions, are pure
imagination. It’s shadow. This is a
liberating realization, my enemies are shadow.
6.
Not every negative reaction is shadow. This flies in the face of New-Age spiritual
teaching that says any negative reaction is bad – it’s judgment, it’s anger, it’s
my issues coming up. Sometimes that’s
true. And other times it’s something
deeper, that reaction is a manifestation of my truth. There are a lot of people with a lot of
followers who are completely full of shit.
There are a lot of people who are toxic.
There are practices that are fraught with spiritual issues. The difference is I’m learning I don’t have
to react – I can pull back and observe, just wait for the Karmic wheel to
turn. And sure enough, the people and
things I’ve strongly disliked turned out to be bad. Almost always that feeling of revulsion or
extreme irritation is completely justified.
Now I just wait and see.
7.
There’s a little voice inside me, saying “I
should be doing that. What am I not doing
that?” And that little voice is always
wrong, 100% of the time. Usually
this comes up when #6 comes up. I get a
strong negative feeling toward someone or something. Then I think “oh, that must be my shadow,”
and “oh look, this person is doing this and that, and I think I want to do
those things, too. Then the circle
completes itself and I realize my initial negative reaction was actually the
right one all along. As I move more into
stillness, my ability to separate ego reactions from energetic reactions
becomes better and will eliminate these conflicts.
8.
The voice of my heart’s desire is quiet
and its express is very simple. My
heart doesn’t want much. This bothers my
ego, but that’s a cue to go deeper into stillness, not to ignore my heart
because I feel I need to “do something.”
9.
My powers get stronger the less I “doing.”
I’m actually accomplishing much more by “doing” less.
10.
I’ve needed to pay better attention to my
body. Things like gut yeast and
issues related to years of accumulated stress hadn’t been addressed as I was
distracted by “doing things.” Cleaning
out the gut yeast and cortisol and moving toward a more balanced internal
system has been good and long overdue.
No comments:
Post a Comment