I’m using this weekend as an opportunity for meditation,
observation and reflection. I need to
clear out my energy and get clear about things, and then chart a new
course.
Last night, after a good workout at the gym, I came home and
meditated. But it was different, I felt
a different connection with my crystals, and particularly my crystal ball. I haven’t used my obsidian crystal ball in a
long time, but last night I held it and was communicating with the archetypes. They were helping me to gain clarity and
understand my purpose.
One of the first realizations that came up was that my home
is in Thailand, and it feels like it’ll be a very long time before I can even
go back just to visit. The archetypes
explained that Thailand is an important part of my destiny and that I’ve lost
connection. This made me feel very sad, because it’s true, I’ve lost a lot of
connection – and I do feel like I’m away from my heart’s home. But at the same time, I love my family life
here in the US and really love my son, who is still young, and the time we
spend together. (Of course I love both
my sons, but my older son is pretty much on his own now.) And of course I’m going to be here for a long
time, working and taking care of my son. Does this mean I have to put my
purpose on hold for years and years?
The archetypes agreed this wasn’t a good solution and
something needed to be done. They also
explained that it is because my “heart” is anchored in Thailand that my money
has been flowing to Thailand instead of staying here, which has caused me
tremendous stress. Yes, a lot of that
problem has been resolved with my wife working, but this only created other
problems and stress and feeling things are not right.
The archetypes agreed this isn’t a good arrangement and
agreed to re-anchor my heart and root energy so it’s with me now and not elsewhere. Then they began explaining my purpose in
life, why it’s been my destiny to go through suffering and stress. Through most of my life I’ve been conflicted –
my ego has been in strong opposition to my heart and true life path. This has led to so many problems which I’m
still struggling with. My ego is
constantly worrying because it fears and resists everything my heart is trying
to do.
I felt really sad hearing this. It’s like I’ve been dragged kicking and
screaming to this place. Am I going to have
to keep suffering? Why does everything
have to be a struggle? Do I have to be
exhausted and have so many root issues?
Why can’t I have some peace and relax?
What do I have to do to get out of my way?
The answer – no, you don’t have to suffer. You have to release your fears, surrender and
follow your heart. But how do I know I’m
following my heart? I’ve done so many
foolish things when I thought I was following my heart and it turned out I was
full of shit. Answer – some of those
things were things that had to be as part of your destiny and we are sorry it
had to be so painful for you. Those
things weren’t mistakes, you just couldn’t understand and weren’t ready to
surrender. Other things had to happen so
you would be ready to dissolve your ego and fears and surrender. And other things, yes, were foolish mistakes
on your part, but those things ended up having little consequence apart from
the pain caused by your own ego.
“You see,” they said, “your pain has been entirely of your
own choice. It is because your ego has
been defiant and stubborn in its fear, and you have chosen to value that fear
above your own heart’s desire, that you have suffered. Your fate was never to simply live a stable,
comfortable life. You look at the
uncertainty and different nature of your life and compare it to the many comfortable,
stable and happy people you know and you feel sad. You feel disconnected. But you feel disconnected from what your ego
imagines you should have, not what your heart knows is your truth. The pain is your ego’s interpretation of your
unique path as failure because it looks so different than everyone else’s.”
So how do I finally release this ego, this fear, and allow
myself to surrender? “You just do. All you need to do is clear out your energy and
surrender to your true path. It is your
ego that is the source of your suffering.
Release the ego and everything will follow.”
At this point I felt very sad but I also felt a sense of
peace. My ego is very negative, full of
shame and judgment. I’ve believed it got
me through all the rough times, but looking at it now I believe it was what was
responsible for my getting into those situations in the first place.
This is why I needed this reflection. Everything related to ego needs to go. So no, I don’t need to chart a new course,
because that would just be another ego adventure, and that needs to go.
Today I worked out. A
lot. And then I went to beach and walked
and sat and contemplated and walked some more. I saw police having a
confrontation with someone and then saw paramedics come in and actually diffuse
the situation. There’s ego and heart
playing out in real life in front of me.
Ego – the cops and the suspect, neither one backing down. Heart – the Fire Department paramedic
breaking through.
This is the lesson, this is what is meant by “follow your
heart, let everything else go.”
All the problems in my life now, or in my past, are a
manifestation of my ego resisting – either clinging to something I should let
go or fighting something I should surrender and accept. All the fear and anxiety – just ego. 
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