From My Higher Self, The Fox

I was off the grid for the better part of three days and it was both beautiful and challenging.  Somehow I expected the time in nature and away from the Internet to be more relaxing and “spiritual.”  It certainly had its moments, but also a fair amount of inner turmoil and frustrations manifested.

This troubled me, so I took some time to consult with my higher self.  My archetype seems to have taken the shape of a humanoid fox, a two-legged fox-man who is considerably shorter than me but far, far taller than a fox.  And he speaks English.

One of the things that came up was that I was bothered by others who were very closed-off in their energy, and making all kinds of dumb decisions, talking about how third-eye awakened and spiritual they are. 

So I sat with this.  My higher self pointed out this was pointing me to the places where I doubted myself, where I was telling myself my third eye isn’t open, where I am telling myself my spiritual and energetic progress is bullshit.  And it was really solid advice, changed everything. 

Every time I want to engage, that’s where my inner negative-talker is residing, the blocks waiting to be released.  This is where real progress can be made!

Similarly, today I kept noticing people being critical or Etienne, calling him a fraud.  What is that?  Well, it’s a reflection of my own doubt about my own path.  Of course.

My higher self said my most powerful projection object is my ex-wife.  Every fear of her is my own fear; every doubt and trigger is something in me holding me back.  A lot of the time she attacks me for things that don’t trigger me at all, because they’re off the mark.  But there’s still stuff there.  Avoiding it doesn’t make it go away.  Asking within is the only way.

So what are those things?  I have inner doubts about my ability as a father.  I feel rather impotent and angry about how things have gone with my older son and I’m afraid I’m a hopelessly inept person.  Deep down my fears about my job, about my exes, all boil down to this fear that, deep down, I’m incompetent, I’m no good, I’m not worthy.

That I’m a fool, that I’m stupid, that I’m just no good as a person.  And certainly there have been times the world has reflected this.  And there have been times, frankly, I’ve given out that loser energy and got what I deserved.

Sometimes it’s difficult to face these truths.  But collapsing into “I am a loser” or denying “no, no, I’m all over that, I’m good now” are both failures to confront.  There are core fears, core limiting beliefs.  Now I can face these. The real reason I fear conflict, attacks and rejection is because I’m afraid I’ll see that I am a hopeless loser and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Well, of course that’s bullshit. It may be work, but, yes, I can look at those things and make changes.  I don’t have to accept what I don’t like, but I have to accept reality is what it is.

Which changes everything about conflict and confrontation.  It doesn’t have to be triggering, it can be enlightening, an opportunity to find and heal those blocks and negative programming. 

The other thing that comes up is I feel like I don’t have the energy, that I’m lazy.  Hah!  I’m realizing this is just another illusion – the rest of the world isn’t working harder than me.  Maybe it’s something that seems like hard work – okay, give myself breaks, reward myself and pace myself. Not hard.  A lot of times it’s just about applying solutions instead of finding excuses.

So the time away was positive – very enlightening and worked through some thick barriers.  But not the restful walk in the park I thought it would be. 

But that’s the point.  The vibration of the crystals isn’t designed to zone me out, it’s there to raise me up to help me better resolve issues and serve my greater purpose.  That’s what it’s about – moving forward.  And I have a real path out of my worry now, which is through my problems, not distracting myself.  This is progress.