About These Past Four Months

I haven’t written much because, over the past four months, I have been profoundly disappointed with world humanity.  I didn’t see a lot of positive, insightful or educational value in expressing my disappointment.  At this point, I feel it is, because the problem goes very deep and affects all levels.

My job is to do my part to elevate the consciousness of humanity.  Instead, humanity has been worse than ever.  That does impact me – something’s very wrong at all levels. I’m not sure how to resolve this problem, but it’s time to speak on it.

Since the Wuhan Coronavirus started coming into the world consciousness, pretty much everyone has behaved stupidly, panicky, irrationally, repugnantly and fear-based.  People in overwhelming numbers gave over their freedoms, their common sense, their jobs, their wealth, their children’s future, etc. to fear-based media disinformation.  People stupidly locked themselves in their homes, shut down their businesses, pulled their kids out of school, tattled on their neighbors, and turned themselves into stupid, panicky, asshole zombies. 

For nothing.

Nobody was “saved” by closing.  It was stupid,  jack-booted and just plain evil.  Everything that was done actually killed more people, both from the virus and from the effects of the extreme lockdown measures.

 

Italy has a really lousy medical system. If you get sick, you don’t see a doctor – you go to the friggin’ hospital.  So if you have an infectious disease, you go to the very worst place you can go and spread it to the most vulnerable.

So of COURSE lots of people got sick and died in Italy.  Between their idiotic “Hug a Chinese” campaign (because the US canceled flights from China) and their idiotic health system, lots of people got sick and lots of people died. 

Then what did they do?  They took reasonable measures to control the spread.  And then they listened to the Chinese, ditched the common-sense measures and locked the country down.

And the rest of Europe, instead of looking at Italy and saying “fuck that shit,” followed the idiotic Chinese model.  Willingly.  Like a bunch of stupid, worthless fucking sheep. 

That’s when I wrote what I wrote and then stopped.  But it only got worse.

While Europe was being mind-bogglingly stupid, the “Ascension Community” was busy being mind-bogglingly disconnected from everything and making a mockery of Alchemy and all the work it had been doing.

You had one group that denied the virus existed and claimed it was some government conspiracy.  Then you had another group that claimed it was Armageddon, would kill millions and cause permanent damage to everyone who survived and the typical “The World Will End Tomorrow” BS. Crap, I wasted moments of my life listening to some knucklehead talk about how lockdowns were great, the economy was going to collapse, oil would never go above $2 a barrel, the virus was going to kill hundreds of millions of people and we should all plant gardens because there was going to be a food shortage. 

And some “evolved leaders” were saying that guy was accurate!  OMFG, that’s when I walked away from the whole community – everyone was FULL of SHIT.

The “exponential death” people were wrong.  The denial people were wrong.  The “love and light” people had their heads up their asses posting pictures of animals in the cities and saying we should stay like this, and isn’t it great everyone is poor like me now.  People I had a lot of respect for were just spouting nonsense that didn’t match anything actually going on in the real world, claiming it was “muscle testing,” but never holding themselves to account when their wild predictions turned out wildly wrong over and over.  People I didn’t have much respect for did things that made me respect them even less.

Basically the entire spiritual community, including the handful of good ones, threw everything away and acted like ego-driven fools.  So for the past four months I was struggling with the collective idiocy and fear-based sheeple behavior of humanity and the collapse of the spiritual/ alchemy community, down to the subatomic level, just obliterated.

I received messages during this time to resist the lockdown mentality and distance myself from the insanity of the spiritual world.  It is time for me to individuate and begin walking my own path, and this experience rapidly accelerated that process. 

I knew the virus wasn’t the Spanish Flu pandemic the media was screaming about.  And the data confirms my intuition.  My intuition actually matches real data, not just some Armageddon BS that only matches the voices in my head, or some idiot with a video who thinks any dufus with a patch of land and some seeds can do a better job than trained, experienced farmers (good grief – you want to show your ignorance about farming and basic common sense, try telling me how gardens will save us from food scarcity and I will assume - rightly - that you know nothing about anything). 

So I fought the prevailing opinion about the lockdown, about the danger of the virus, about the sheeple mentality.  For a long time, it was just me and some right-wing people with their own major blocks and veils.  Not exactly “evolved company,” but it’s all their was.  Eventually, some people from other ideological backgrounds came forward and the data confirming the truth couldn’t be repressed.

Right around the time the general public was sick and tired of being sheep, the US exploded into race riots.  This was the inevitable result of trapping people in their homes, lying to them and then lighting the tinder.

 

The race protests are not about elevating consciousness.  They’re basically a bunch of really stupid white people (mostly women) trying to look good in front of their stupid white people friends while black people laugh at them.  Other than that, it was frustrated people sick of the lockdown blowing off steam and trying to steal back what society stole from them for four months. It’s not consciousness, it’s catharsis.

But compared to the lockdown, the riots were a breath of fresh air.  And they did their job – everything opened up after that because they called out the government on its own bullshit.

Turns out most people didn’t buy the lockdown BS, they just didn’t know how to fight back.  Now that the lockdowns are ending, people just want to put that hellish episode behind them.

I can’t.  I’ve never had such a low opinion of my fellow man.  Just a bunch of pathetic little sheep who do whatever they’re told, no matter how stupid.  And the “evolved leaders” didn’t do any better – just “end of the world” porn or complete denial.  It’s like being reasonable and seeing the middle path, in terms of the severity of the disease and in how to deal with it, wasn’t allowed in the spiritual community. If you were looking for a middle way, you were in “spiritual denial,” you’ve been infected by the virus, you’ve been corrupted by the False Light Matrix, blah blah blah.  The egos in that group were overwhelming, nobody wanted to ask questions with an open mind or support freedom (which is what we’re here for – if you want to lock people in their homes, go be a prison guard, don’t be in Alchemy).

I doubted my truth because I felt all alone.  But it turned out my intuition has been spot on.  I really need to trust myself, even when I feel like I’m in a “bad place” and everything is going wrong.

So I’m on my own.  I’ll still learn from masters, but I’m standing on my own.  What I learned from this is my intuition serves me very well, especially when the world around me is going crazy.  I’m farther along than I thought I was.  I still have a lot to learn and a long ways to go, but I’m also comfortable and accepting of my imperfections and still committed to my higher truth.

Humanity let me down. The Alchemy “leaders” lost their way.  But I’m still standing and now I’m on my own.  It’s time.

Evolved My Ass - Y'all A Bunch of Stupid Fucking Sheep

"Please Pen us Up and Shear Us.  You can even slaughter some of us, cuz we scaaaaarrrrred!"

I thought some people were evolved.  I thought some people were really standing in the light and promoting freedom.  I thought some of y'all were unique and actually using your human talents instead of giving them away to fucking totalitarian governments.

I thought wrong.

You're all a bunch of worthless, stupid fucking sheep.  

You think the Chinese handled this right?  Fuck the Chinese government.  Fuck their authoritarian bullshit.  Fuck Italy and their shutting down an entire country because 1/10000 of the population has Kung Flu.  Y'all are okay with this bullshit?  Then fuck YOU.

China is fucking wrong.  Italy is fucking wrong.  And you so-called "evolved" people want to bend over like the prison bitch and let Donald Trump or Joe Biden fuck your ass at will?  Holy shit.

You know what?  All you so-called "evolved" people baying like scared little sheep because of a fucking flu virus are not evolved.  You're pussies and LIARS, no different than the "low vibration" masses y'all think you're better than.

You're not. You're worse.  Not only do you live in fear and ego attachment, you're also lying sacks of shit.  Fuck all y'all. You're pathetic.

And those of you fake "evolved" people I gave money to?  You ripped me off, and that's your karma.  But I've cut off my energy from you fake "lightworkers."  You ninnes couldn't change a light bulb much less do real light work.  

Real light work stands up for freedom over fear.  At the first sign of fear (and weak-assed, over-hyped, overblown fear at that), you caved.  You have no courage.  You have no sense of truth.  You have no connection to divine light.  You've been faking it the whole time.  You're frauds.

I'm grateful for the Wuhan Virus.  It's tearing off the fake masks being worn by the Cabal agents pretending to be light workers.  It's bringing out the truth - that you're all a bunch of fake-ass PUSSIES who don't know shit and don't have enough divine power to operate that mechanical monkey playing the cymbals, much less change the world.  So shut up, go find real jobs, and get out of the way.  Starbucks is calling - time for your fake asses to start pouring coffee and driving Uber on the side. It'll be a lot more useful to the world than the "evolved" bullshit you've been spreading.

So yah, thank God for this virus.  Next to the sheep, the wolves look pretty damn appealing. 

And FUCK the shepherds!  What the fuck is wrong with y'all??  I only supported Trump because Hillary would have been even FURTHER up my ass, I'm sure as hell not wanting to give him MORE power - WTF?? And no, turning things over to the party that lives to turn us all into fucking sheep sure as hell isn't  the answer.  The answer is to stand up and act like fucking HUMAN BEINGS!

You idiots talk about "5D" when you're all nothing but ONE-dimensional, wimpy, low-vibration-loving SHEEP.  NONE of you seems to have a clue what 2D is, much less 3, 4 or 5, so shut up with that bullshit take your retrograde nonsense off social media.  You're stupid, wimpy and 100% wrong all the time.  You're not light workers.  You're not helping.  Shut up and get real jobs, or step up.

The world need human beings.  Because you sheep SUCK.

Where's an abattoir when you need it?

I'm Open For Business

During 2019 I made a grand total of ten posts.  I was clearly “not doing anything” with this blog.  And yet, a couple of the posts are actually really profound and important. 

This post on The Basic Foundations of Alchemy is critical.  And the thing is, I don’t see critical foundational material out there.  Almost nobody is teaching Alchemy. 

The world needs about 600,000 active practitioners of Royal Alchemy.  And they’re going to need teachers.  I figure at a minimum the world needs 2,500 incarnated Orion/ Lemurian souls actively teaching Royal Alchemy is some meaningful way. 

And right now I count about ten.  Let’s round up to a dozen.  That’s in my known universe.  There are more than that working with Etienne who are teaching at some level, but not all the way there.  Then there are others around the world who are aligned with truth and teaching in some capacity.  It’s a lot more than Etienne’s circle, but it’s not many.

Of the Orion/ Lemurian incarnates who are actively (and I use that in the loosest of terms) teaching Royal Alchemy, I test there are 258, if I include myself.  And I can see I’ve really not been sharing my gifts in any meaningful way.  I’ve barely posted once every six weeks.

Meanwhile, 2019 has seen a major up-level of my energy and abilities.  I finally had my day-long workshop with Etienne and activated my Philosopher’s Stone.  Then shortly after that I acquired and activated three sets of Orion crystals and a set of Royal Alchemy rings, including a ruby centerpiece.

Basically all those “look at my highly attuned crystals” pictures… those are just decoration now.  What I’m working with is so much more powerful it makes those “ridiculously highly attuned crystals” pebbles on the beach.  And without the major foundational work, I wouldn’t be able to receive, activate and utilize these gifts.

I’ve also massively improved my martial arts, Alchemy meditation, relationship with money, become more clear on my life path, and become a very powerful distant energy healer.

Yes, I’ve been regularly healing people’s energy and guiding people through major energetic transformation, from thousands of miles away.  I’ve healed sick people.  I’ve cleared out decades of emotional and energetic garbage.  I’ve gone from being a student and “reporting on my journey” to being a real healer and someone who can impart this to others.

And I’m realizing now, I really NEED to take that step.

My resistance is that it seems like everyone is a “life coach,” or an “evolutionary coach,” or some “energy healer,” and for the most part they’re all a joke.  Sorry, but it’s true.  They’re not connected to truth, they’re teaching garbage, most of them are more fucked up than their clients and they look like idiots trying to hock their garbage to a bunch of other spiritually, emotionally and financially broke people.

I don’t want to be “like them.”

But I’m not “like them.”  My foundation is in higher truth.  I’ve spent a lot of time honing my craft and learning from the best.  And more than just someone who has some foundational work and then runs out and brags about how he’s a teacher, I nurtured my energy.  I’ve let it develop and season.

And meanwhile, I have a rich, abundant, happy life.  I’m not “broke” at any level.  That’s not to say I’m perfect, but I come from a place of life experience as well as spiritual wisdom.

My problem isn’t that I’m running around trying to show off – “Look at me!  I’m an Alchemist!  I’m a spiritual teacher!  I’m an energy healer!”  Quite the opposite, I’ve been shutting myself off and denying my gifts.  I’ve been afraid that I’m not ready, that I’m not good enough. 

And I’ve seen others who really don’t know what they’re doing (as in, they really aren’t good enough but they’re doing it anyway) leading people in really bad directions, basically to feed their own ego and avoid facing some painful truths in their lives. 

And at one point, I WAS that guy.  I did the whole “Look at me, I’m the star student for an evolved master, and now I’m a GURU!” thing.  And it was a disaster.  A good life experience, but also a major setback.

The difference now is, then I knew a lot of stuff but now I’m living in a different place, and where I am is due in large part to the lessons I’ve integrated, some of which are very advanced Alchemy practices that really only a handful of people on Earth even know about. 

And every now and then, I produce something that scratches the surface of what I have to offer and it actually blows me away when I go back and look at it.  (Like that little article I mentioned earlier.)  And I’ve come SOOOOOOO far since that point.

Point is, I MUST come out of the shadows.  The world needs every one of us who can to be out there imparting, healing and actively working.  Yes, it seems like I’m “joining the crowd” of coaches and healers, but it’s precisely because 99% of that crowd is 100% WRONG in what they’re doing (and actually making things a lot worse) that I NEED to step up.

And so I’m going to be opening up for business. 

I am an Alchemist.  Use my gifts.

Let me heal you.  Let me guide you, so you can enjoy the riches of life that I’ve learned to enjoy (and there’s SOOOOOOO much here).  Let me teach you, so that you can join me in making this world a better place.

We can’t leave this up to the crappy “healing” and “spiritual” communities currently out there.  We can’t leave it to the people claiming to be “evolved” who are actually behind the curve of humanity, much less at the edge of possibility and beyond.

I’ve spent a long time feeling like I was different, feeling like there was something I should be doing, but couldn’t figure out quite what it was.  I spent years being attracted to things that sounded right but weren’t quite there.  I could see a better world, but it looked nothing like the “visionaries” talked about.  I could see *some* of the “how,” but none of the direction to truth.

Lately, it’s coming together.  More and more I see the truth ahead of us.  I can put together all the lessons I’ve learned from various places and integrate them with my own unique spiritual gifts and life experiences to make the world a better place.

So here I am.  The Alchemist.  The Healer.  The Coach.

I’m open for business. 

Join me.

Coming Back: Old Me On a New Timeline

I had to take a step back, and I’m glad I did.

You’ll notice there aren’t many new posts here. It’s been months since my last one, and over the past year there have been few and far between. 

Basically I couldn’t think of anything to write.  So I stopped.

I did other things.  This blog clearly wasn’t serving my higher purpose, it was just kind of a waste of time and energy.  It seemed like a lot of my expression was just out of alignment with my higher truth and purpose, so I lost interest and did other things.

I’m so glad I did. 

I thought I was suffering writers block, but it was really my higher self that had enough of the bullshit and refused to go along anymore.  For a while I retreated inward, focused on home, family, exercise, meditation.  I kept things very simple. 

At first I thought this was a sign of something wrong.  No, it turned out to be awesome.  I cut out all the BS in my life.  I was left with my family, job, home life and a very simple lifestyle.  I spent a lot of time in quiet reflection.  I cut out contacts with people who weren’t serving me and things that weren’t “me.”

For a while it was pretty quiet.  But it felt good.  I wondered if I was okay, if I was going to turn into some hermit.  Instead I found the “old me” I really liked, cleaned of the BS distractions.  I had a good foundation of meditation and alchemy and some other things I picked up over the past ten years or so, and I just “forgot” the junk I picked up that never served me.

I ended up in a good place where it felt good just being me and living a simple life.  It’s a good life – love, family, peace.  I found that when I stopped trying to be something else, I ended up really liking who I already was.

I pretty much ditched the whole “evolution” and “personal development” crap.  I stopped trying to be a coach or some guru or master.  There was a lot of “not giving a shit,” and some of that energy felt really lazy and like tar, just feeling like I was going nowhere.  Then it felt good.

People would ask what I’ve been up to I’d say I’m doing well, just nothing newsworthy to talk about.  I like it that way.  For me, the simple life is the good life, and I’m surrounded by people who also enjoy the simple things in life.

Looking at it now, my sense is that when I was going through my “self-improvement/ evolution” thing, there was an underlying need I was serving.  Overall I did some real good for myself and the people around me. And I did make some big an important changes in my life and how I show up.  But what was showing up in my communication was a form of “keeping up with the Joneses.” I was communicating in a way to try and demonstrate “hey, look at me evolving in a way I think is pleasing to my coach.”

That obviously wasn’t me and it obviously didn’t stick.  And apart from that, I really overdid the coaching, and the wrong kind of coaching.  Then of course when the disconnect grew too large for my higher self to ignore, I went into “fuck coaching” mode. 

And the whole “evolutionary coaching” thing really was a waste of my time and money and didn’t serve me.  Because what I needed wasn’t to radically change who I was being, but to clean out the junk, clear out the bad energy that was leading to a series of really bad and self-hurting decisions, and get back to my “old self,” but an energetically clean, wiser and self-confident version whose living the life he really wants instead of someone else’s or some bullshit fantasy.

And over the past fifteen years or so, I’ve actually been doing a lot of that – it was just messed up with other people’s BS.  Over the past five or six years, and especially the past three or four, I’ve been clearing out that other BS, and this radio silence was really just the final cleansing.

Now I don’t feel regret for what happened before.  I’d been unhappy at my core for a very long time – fundamentally unhappy with my life and myself.  Pretty much from childhood on.  And looking at it now that experience taught me a lot of empathy.  I’m good at listening to and understanding people who are suffering.  I can talk people off the ledge, and I do.  I’m good at it because I can relate to their deep suffering and self-hatred without buying into their stories.

Yes I made some really poor choices in that state of mind. But some wonderful things also came from those poor choices.  Yes, it was a lot of suffering and a lot of the stupid things I did have really set me back in life, but it was the fuel for change.

Then in my thirties I went through a long period of conscious change in various forms.  I had a lot of success in certain aspects and became a lot happier pretty quickly.  But then I was struggling with carrying other people’s baggage, trying to impress the audience and coaches with my “success” and dealing with profound panic and anger issues I couldn’t understand at the time that seemed to be overwhelming.

Basically I was in this spiritual no-man’s-land between the “unhappy real me” I had been growing up and the “happier but something’s not right new me.”  I thought at the time much of this was just getting used to a new way of being, and some of it was – it was good to get out of my comfort zone (which wasn’t comfortable at all, in fact it sucked ass).  I took risks, I had fun, I learned some things, I made some mistakes, but everything was getting much better over time and I was finding real happiness at my core.

I stayed too long here and spent too much time and energy communicating I was the kind of person I thought the coaches wanted me to be – to prove my worth and to prove their worth.  Neither of which I had to do.  All I had to do was decide for myself what works and doesn’t and then live my life the way I want – fuck what anyone else thinks of it.  If it’s too boring for you, then fuck you for judging, asshole.  Try minding your own fucking business next time before my foot goes up your ass.

So basically I found a place where I was finally able to clear out my energy and find some peace with myself. I made some big changes and settled into my new life and really didn’t have a place for the Destin’s and Rion’s of the world.  I turned inward and let it all go.  I focused on my home life, family, exercise, studies, energy meditation and rest.  I cut ties with some people I’d bonded with during the turbulent years who were just bringing in more chaos.

And I spent a lot of time doing what on the outside would seem like nothing, or not much.  And it was here I found that “old me,” but without the unhappiness and self-hate.  It was like a purified version of my old self, coupled with the good things I’ve found along the way since then, either by accident or intention.  As I cleared out the energy inside, things on the outside got cleaner, too. 

As I was going through that process, I’d feel pissed.  I “wasted” a lot of time on bullshit coaching to deal with things I didn’t give a fuck about when the only thing I really needed was something I learned through an online program over a few weeks that cost a couple hundred bucks.  The big huge takeaway I got from Rion was in a free ebook that he’s archived and largely ignored (though that advice did change my life dramatically). 

And I felt embarrassed that I was trying to be this thing that was so not me and going out of my way to communicate myself as this thing, when all I really wanted was to live my simple life with more confidence and better energy.

Now I feel like – yah it was silly and wasteful, but maybe I needed to go through that shit to finally burn away the BS I’d been carrying my whole life that was making me unhappy. Because in the end, when I burned away the BS from that “evolved” period of time, the old crap burned away too.

It would be easy to say “gee, if I had only found the alcemy first, I could have burned away all that bad energy, healed myself and avoided all those mistakes and suffering.”  Yeah, sure.  But all that shit led me to the alchemy.  My soul clearly needed to go through a journey and a full purging to finally feel like a happy version of my old self. 

That seems like a long and painful way to just get back on the path I somehow veered off after college, but that’s not true.  The truth is, this path is the same “old path” but on a new timeline.  This is like the “me” I’d be out of college if I’d somehow cleared all the spiritual, emotional and other crap I’d been carrying around since birth. 

So depending on how I look at it, I either “wasted” twenty or so years of my life struggling to get to where I should have been all along, or in twenty years I managed to create for myself a whole new timeline (which is something that usually takes many life cycles of high-level spiritual practice to do), and I still have the rest of my life to actually live on that new timeline.

So now I come back here, because I have something to say and something to do in this world.

I can help people who are suffering.  I can help people who are going through the things I went through and who feel the way I felt.  I can listen.  I can help people with their financial matters, including on the energetic level.  I can help people change their reality from the inside-out on a cellular energetic level, like reincarnating in this lifetime.

That’s some pretty good shit.  It’s worth sharing.

The Empty House Vision

I have this recurring dream/ vision that I’m in a completely empty house.  There’s not a piece of furniture or anything else in it.  It’s spotless – clean, the air is crystal clear, the temperature is a steady, moderate temperature everywhere.  And there is nobody there, nothing there, just an empty building.

Sometimes a guide brings me there and then she leaves.  The last time there was a guide, she looked like the Thai singer Palmy.  Sometimes I just show up.

Outside is an empty desert – just nothing.  Not hot, not cold, just open and empty.

I get the message that I can create whatever I want, but I don’t know how.  How do I generate what I want from nothingness?  So I feel stuck there, like I’m trapped in a void.  It feels empty, lonely.

The slate is clean, my life is whatever I want to make of it and I can’t make a damn thing.  And there’s nothing there.  And the feeling of emptiness seems to go on forever.

So all the bad stuff is gone, but then there’s nothing but me and I’m alone.

Shouldn’t I know how to create something from nothing?  Shouldn’t I be able to draw from the infinite power of the universe?  But there’s just nothing.

And there’s no backstory.  Am I dead?  Was I transported there? Did something happen?  Where is everyone else? 

That is a big worry of mine, that everything I’m doing will end up being for nothing, that this is all a big waste of time in the end.  It gets to the heart of my lack of belief in some of the spiritual aspects I’m engaged in – what if in the end it’s all bullshit?

I can’t shake that, this feeling of limbo. I do these things, I test them to be accurate, and I still worry that it’s all bullshit.

I test:  my spiritual pursuits are all bullshit – false.

My spiritual pursuits are true and accurate – true.

My doubts are valid and real – true.

So I really am in some state of limbo – I’m drawn to a certain pursuit, but I don’t see the point and can’t bring my physical and emotional self to align and accept this as reality.  The dualistic spiritual concept I grew up with is false, but the alternative seems like some lame science fiction novel.  

Things are happening that point to some higher spiritual path, but right now it just feels empty and lonely and a big waste of time.

I haven’t broken through to the physical and emotional levels yet.  I’m still working through internal conflicts and feel kind of lost.

So I guess the empty house is really where I’m at right now.  I’ve cleared out the falsehoods but have yet to receive the truth.  This is not a fun place to be.

Gotta Keep Rising Above the California Douchebaggery

It's a Douchefest, but Still Have a Mission

I was drawn to buy some Libyan Desert Glass and it arrived yesterday.  After a day of cleansing, attuning and activating it opened up yesterday.  Since then my energy has been difficult to deal with.  Last night I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep.  The energy of the crystal is intense and it’s calling me to do something, but there’s clearly some resistance in me.  Right now it’s just a lot of confusion and inner conflict. 

This is likely related to the external conflicts Etienne is talking about that are getting crazy.  But something else is going on, too.  The energies in Los Angeles are the worst I’ve ever seen.  Energies in California are bad, and I really notice it when I go to the mountains and then come into contact with Californians or return to LA.

I was in Tahoe and when I was alone, energies were good. The minute I come into contact with people from the San Francisco Bay area I feel the crap energy and it almost makes me want to puke.  I go to Hollywood and the energies are insufferable – how do people live in this total crap?

I can’t wait to get to Thailand and be away from this shit for a while.  Los Angeles has gone from annoying to just horrible.  Really, California, what the fuck is wrong with you assholes??

This can’t sustain like this.  I feel like the crystal is calling me to do something to fight against this energy, but what? I’m tired of fighting this tide of crap that is California society.  At this point I feel like if this stupid state wants to suck, let it burn itself to the ground, fuck these people.  They’re a bunch of douchebags I don’t vibe with at all and I feel like they’re my energetic enemies.  Just protect my family and fuck everyone else.

That’s me being in a bit of a dark place.  I just can’t shake my disgust for Californians, or at least the huge majority of these motherfuckers. 

And as I’m drawing more from the new crystal, I’m finding it’s giving me the fortitude to keep going and rise above the energetic crap instead of letting it get me down.  Yes, California is a mess.  Yes, most Californians are a mess.  And – none of that has to get me down in any way.  The real problem was I was losing strength.  I build it back and feel better, much better.  And ready to do what I need to do instead of fighting.

There are definitely some major things going on and a lot of negative energy flowing through the area. That’s why it’s all the more important to give myself time and space to heal and take care of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It’s tempting to disengage and just say “fuck it all,” but that just means I need to put more attention on my personal well-being the little things.

Because I am here.  And I need to be here doing my work, regardless of what’s going on around me.  I need to find ways to rise above it.  Yes, California sucks, and I have to let it suck and keep doing my work.  The non-douchebags are counting on me.  Even if there are only a handful of them in a sea of garbage around here.

I've Been Hiding

I’ve been hiding.  I’ve been hiding my true message, my true feelings, because that message isn’t always consistent or appropriate and my feelings aren’t always good. 

I’ve been hiding because I’ve been afraid – afraid some petty people who are prone to dislike me no matter what I do will pounce on anything I say and try to use it against me.  Afraid I’ll be doxed or publicly attacked because I have thoughts and feelings that don’t fit with the rigid conformist standards of today.

I’ve been hiding because I don’t want my “stuff” to interfere with my message, to get it the way of me just enjoying my life.  I don’t want others to be hurt because, God forbid, I might be hurting.  Or angry.  Or sad.  Maybe I don’t see the world the way others do and I don’t want to be attacked and suffer more because my thoughts offend.

I’ve been hiding because, maybe if I speak up, nobody will want to listen, and I’ll find out people really don’t care. 

I’ve been hiding and it hasn’t made me feel safe.  It hasn’t made me feel better.  It just leaves me feeling angry, stifled, hurting, alone and bored.

The anger is from letting these things fester.  I don’t like feeling this way.  I need to release and writing is my release.  It’s time to let things out – stop worrying that I’m whining or being too personal, or that my haters will turn my words against me.  Fuck that.  I need this.

Everyone has their way and this self-imposed writers block is utter bullshit. 

To my haters, fuck you. Really, fuck you.  You’re the most pathetic, petty, worthless people I’ve ever known.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I was ever close to people like you and couldn’t see your true self.  But anyone who goes through the trouble you do to try and make someone else a little unhappy is pathetic beyond help.  Really and truly pathetic. 

The person sharing their feelings and thoughts isn’t the bad person.  The petty person trying to shut that person down at every turn – THAT’S the bad person.  Everyone has thoughts and feelings.  Good people know how to mind their own fucking business.  The bad people?  Well, that would be you haters.  So… enjoy wasting your time reading what I have to say and thinking whatever small, negative, petty loserific thing you want to think in that petty pea brain of yours.  There’s not a damn thing you can do about it, so if you want to waste the life God gave you following me around, it’s not my problem anymore. 

But I do see you.  I know you’re there.  And we both know you’re completely pathetic no matter how you try to justify this in your mind.  (And what’s going on in YOUR mind?  Maybe you should share with someone…?)

That feels good.  I need to get this out. 

I still feel this need to qualify my experience by sandwiching it between positive things, and I need to drop that, too.  I don’t need to say “My life is good, but…” I’m the one who lives this life – if it’s good enough for me, I don’t need to explain that to the rest of the world.

And no, saying I feel sad, or angry, or bored, or lonely, or confused, or empty or whatever doesn’t take away from the alchemy and magic I do.  If anything, it helps – there’s actually a real, normal human being in here living a normal life, and he’s far from perfect.  And yet I have some gifts I can use, there’s no contradiction here. 

I have been hiding a lot.  Maybe I’m afraid if I say I don’t feel great all the time I’ll disappoint my mentors and followers.  But so fucking what?  It’s not anyone’s fault I have flaws and thoughts and feelings.  I never hired anyone to make my life perfect, or really even make it better.  That’s entirely up to me.  I came looking for skills.  Some things worked, some didn’t.  Okay.  And I say what I think about all that.  But in the end, I’m still a human being with the range of thoughts and feelings and experiences. No amount of mentoring or whatever is going to change that.

But this expression here doesn’t feel like me.  It feels like, well, someone hiding.  Someone looking over his shoulder.  Someone laying low, lest anyone find out he’s actually human. 

And I think I owe you the reader an apology for that.  I haven’t been authentic.  I haven’t been open.  I had my reasons, but in the end you and I both deserve better.  This is my way of sharing.  I need this.  And you’re here because you need this, too.

I’m a man, standing on my own feet, full of flaws, full of feelings that go this way and that.  And full of light.  I look at my crystals I love so much and every one of them is flawed.  They are all jagged, have cracks and imperfections. It’s what makes them beautiful and powerful.  A fully perfect crystal is… fake.  Anything that comes from the earth, that comes from nature, is by definition imperfect. 

So this is me, opening up.  Coming out of hiding.  Facing the possibility of attacks from haters and everything else.  Because I just can’t keep quiet.  I need to write, I need to share.  Even if I’m the only one reading this. I need to put this out there.

I can’t hide anymore.