I've Been Hiding

I’ve been hiding.  I’ve been hiding my true message, my true feelings, because that message isn’t always consistent or appropriate and my feelings aren’t always good. 

I’ve been hiding because I’ve been afraid – afraid some petty people who are prone to dislike me no matter what I do will pounce on anything I say and try to use it against me.  Afraid I’ll be doxed or publicly attacked because I have thoughts and feelings that don’t fit with the rigid conformist standards of today.

I’ve been hiding because I don’t want my “stuff” to interfere with my message, to get it the way of me just enjoying my life.  I don’t want others to be hurt because, God forbid, I might be hurting.  Or angry.  Or sad.  Maybe I don’t see the world the way others do and I don’t want to be attacked and suffer more because my thoughts offend.

I’ve been hiding because, maybe if I speak up, nobody will want to listen, and I’ll find out people really don’t care. 

I’ve been hiding and it hasn’t made me feel safe.  It hasn’t made me feel better.  It just leaves me feeling angry, stifled, hurting, alone and bored.

The anger is from letting these things fester.  I don’t like feeling this way.  I need to release and writing is my release.  It’s time to let things out – stop worrying that I’m whining or being too personal, or that my haters will turn my words against me.  Fuck that.  I need this.

Everyone has their way and this self-imposed writers block is utter bullshit. 

To my haters, fuck you. Really, fuck you.  You’re the most pathetic, petty, worthless people I’ve ever known.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I was ever close to people like you and couldn’t see your true self.  But anyone who goes through the trouble you do to try and make someone else a little unhappy is pathetic beyond help.  Really and truly pathetic. 

The person sharing their feelings and thoughts isn’t the bad person.  The petty person trying to shut that person down at every turn – THAT’S the bad person.  Everyone has thoughts and feelings.  Good people know how to mind their own fucking business.  The bad people?  Well, that would be you haters.  So… enjoy wasting your time reading what I have to say and thinking whatever small, negative, petty loserific thing you want to think in that petty pea brain of yours.  There’s not a damn thing you can do about it, so if you want to waste the life God gave you following me around, it’s not my problem anymore. 

But I do see you.  I know you’re there.  And we both know you’re completely pathetic no matter how you try to justify this in your mind.  (And what’s going on in YOUR mind?  Maybe you should share with someone…?)

That feels good.  I need to get this out. 

I still feel this need to qualify my experience by sandwiching it between positive things, and I need to drop that, too.  I don’t need to say “My life is good, but…” I’m the one who lives this life – if it’s good enough for me, I don’t need to explain that to the rest of the world.

And no, saying I feel sad, or angry, or bored, or lonely, or confused, or empty or whatever doesn’t take away from the alchemy and magic I do.  If anything, it helps – there’s actually a real, normal human being in here living a normal life, and he’s far from perfect.  And yet I have some gifts I can use, there’s no contradiction here. 

I have been hiding a lot.  Maybe I’m afraid if I say I don’t feel great all the time I’ll disappoint my mentors and followers.  But so fucking what?  It’s not anyone’s fault I have flaws and thoughts and feelings.  I never hired anyone to make my life perfect, or really even make it better.  That’s entirely up to me.  I came looking for skills.  Some things worked, some didn’t.  Okay.  And I say what I think about all that.  But in the end, I’m still a human being with the range of thoughts and feelings and experiences. No amount of mentoring or whatever is going to change that.

But this expression here doesn’t feel like me.  It feels like, well, someone hiding.  Someone looking over his shoulder.  Someone laying low, lest anyone find out he’s actually human. 

And I think I owe you the reader an apology for that.  I haven’t been authentic.  I haven’t been open.  I had my reasons, but in the end you and I both deserve better.  This is my way of sharing.  I need this.  And you’re here because you need this, too.

I’m a man, standing on my own feet, full of flaws, full of feelings that go this way and that.  And full of light.  I look at my crystals I love so much and every one of them is flawed.  They are all jagged, have cracks and imperfections. It’s what makes them beautiful and powerful.  A fully perfect crystal is… fake.  Anything that comes from the earth, that comes from nature, is by definition imperfect. 

So this is me, opening up.  Coming out of hiding.  Facing the possibility of attacks from haters and everything else.  Because I just can’t keep quiet.  I need to write, I need to share.  Even if I’m the only one reading this. I need to put this out there.

I can’t hide anymore.