Reflections of a New Me

This is a milestone moment for me and I’ve been engaging in some reflection over my life. I realize everything works in harmony, so trying to isolate aspects is difficult.  Particularly what I’ve been examining is my relationship with “evolution” and “self-improvement.” Over the past fifteen years it’s been an important aspect of my life. 

People who knew me well – and this was a long time ago when I made some really poor life decisions in my partnership and career out of college – could see I was way off track.  I’m not sure why I did what I did back then.  Looking back it seems like another person was making those decisions, one I don’t recognize today. Those decisions caused a lot of suffering in my life and others. 

At some point I gave up my stubbornness and acknowledged things were very out of alignment in my life.  And that’s when I began going deep into various forms of evolution and self-improvement.  I also had to pretty much start over with creating my life, as the life I’d created was hopelessly out of alignment.

And for a while, the “self-improvement” was working.  My career and personal life got much better.  Things weren’t perfect, but I was far more in alignment.

Then for a while I gave it all up and fell back into some really poor relational, career and life habits. And this time the setbacks really worked me over.

I went through a period where I reconnected with evolution and self-improvement, but I wasn’t really doing anything with it.  It seems like all I could do to keep my head above water.  My self-esteem had taken some really big blows that even showed up in my physical body in the form of life-constraining injuries. And it wasn’t one thing, it was everything – life was really kicking my ass.

Looking back it seemed I was using “evolution” as a form of escape.  But I don’t think that’s true.  I had a relapse of the self-defeating pattern that had me going badly off-track out of college and this time my spirit needed all the help it could get to survive. 

I did survive, but it took a very long time to recover.  And by then the forces who were fighting to keep me on that disastrous, out-of-alignment path were strong. There were external forces – people and things that wanted to see me stay disempowered – as well as internal ones, mind viruses and energetic implants. 

Somehow, even in those dark moments, my soul knew everything was going to be okay.  I suffered a lot of stress and worry, but I kept persevering.  And I continued to dedicate myself to evolution and self-improvement, despite the fact most external evidence pointed to things not showing any improvement and my internal structures were fractured and taking a long time to heal.  I kept returning to that core, and building brick by brick.

And I completely rebuilt my life.  I stopped listening to my mind and followed my intuition and heart.  And things changed for the better – a lot better.  And this change was at a foundational level.

There’s been a period of time over the past I’ll say year or so where there was a lot of inner growth but externally it looked very boring and nothing was changing.  But I kept with it.  Then recently a lot of things shifted and suddenly things started manifesting in the outside world and it looks like – wow, all of a sudden your life has gotten a whole lot better.  But not really.  It took a year to build the energetic foundation and vanquish the old, to establish the root before growth would show up on the surface.

And one aspect of this shift was that I said goodbye to a lot of the external “evolution” and “self-improvement” structures.  The coaching wasn’t serving me.  In fact it was now counterproductive.  It wasn’t always a trap, but it became one.  It’s like an egg.  The chicken needs the egg to grow, but then needs to break the shell and come out on its own. 

And I’ve internalized the structures I need, including how to find the resources I need to get to the next steps.  So I look back at fifteen-plus years of being deeply immersed in the “evolution/ self-improvement” communities and think – damn, that’s a long time to reprogram myself, and what do I have to show for it?

Well, in one sense, maybe not much.  But in another, I fundamentally altered my life at a molecular level.  I was a completely different person out of college than I am now.  And I don’t want anything to do with that old self.  The habits, the thoughts, the beliefs, the behavior patterns, all have changed.  My career looks nothing like then, completely different.  My relationship is something I wouldn’t have imagined for myself then. 

And now I start reintegrating things from “way back then” that I still like – hobbies and interests – but from a much different place and with a different feel. And it doesn’t feel new, it’s more like the old way feels completely foreign.  I’m not that old me and there’s no connection, no way to go back.  So I can bring back memories and things from that period without any of the attachments.

Who was I in high school?  Who was I in college?  Who was I at 25 or even 30?  I don’t know.  I don’t care.  That isn’t me. Somehow the cords got completely cut and the entire person has been regenerated into someone completely different. 

Now it feels like I’m waking up into this new person.  I’m experiencing a lot of openness, freedom and happiness.  The anxieties are receding. The “Fear of Missing Out” that was permeating my thought patterns has been replaced with acceptance. I’m okay not-doing, and I’m okay examining things to see if it’s something I want to choose to do.  But doing nothing is perfectly fine now, it doesn’t bother me.  I feel at peace.

Which ironically leaves more space to actually do something. 

Thoughts As I Struggle with Meditation

It’s all about presence and stillness.  And every time I start thinking there’s something else, I’m reminded yet again that it’s all about presence and stillness.

I used to think the people who focused on meditation as the answer to everything were escapists.  And some of them truly are, because they’ve transformed a practice into a lifestyle, thus defeating the entire purpose of the practice. 

When I began going deep into meditation and stillness around the fall of 2016, letting go of unhealthy connections and radically simplifying my life, part of me thought I was escaping, too.  Because part of me was. 

When I began my practice, I wasn’t all-in.  I’m still not.  I’ve come a long way, and the results are striking, but it’s a journey.  There are still a lot of parts of me that get bored, distracted and bring up the low self-esteem negative talk that pulls me out of presence and into anxiety and fear. And there’s plenty of confirmation out there that I’m being boring and “not doing anything,” because I’m not out there on social media bragging about all the stuff I’m doing like everyone else.  But that’s just more proof of the problem, and the problem isn’t my practice, it’s the patterns that pull me and everyone else out of practice.

Despite all this, it gets better.  I find more stillness, I find more openness, I find more energy for the things in my life that truly matter, and less tolerance for the things in my life that don’t.  Things are changing – maybe more slowly than I’d like – for the better.

The sessions themselves are getting more powerful – my personal deepening is opening up my alchemy.

Sometimes it seems like it’s an uphill battle and the hill keeps going.  I always knew I was pretty uptight, but I didn’t know challenging it is to loosen and let go.  It should be easy, right?  You sit and do nothing.  I’ve been doing this for a long time.  And sometimes I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water.  Yes, it’s getting better.  Yes, it really is at the heart of the answers to my problems and the path for growth.  And yet it feels like – well, I should be better at this by now.

And there’s that ego again.  Comparing. Judging.  And the negative voice – why is it always saying I’m doing stuff poorly or things aren’t going well?  I never hear it say positive things, yet a lot of good things happen regularly in my life.  I actually have a really good life.  Not everything I want, but it’s good.  And yet that inner voice is sooooooo negative.  I guess there’s something deeper that is more positive and keeps me going forward.  But that negative inner voice – damn that thing is annoying and tiresome.

So I keep going.  I keep going deeper.  It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and yes, I am feeling more relaxed and open in my energy.  Despite the fact I’m inconsistent in my practice, despite my still having a very long ways to go, despite my negative inner voice and nervous tendencies.

I keep going.  I keep getting up – or sitting down – and meditating, again and again. I keep clearing and letting go.  And somewhere inside, under the constant negative chatter, there is something that understands my inner goodness and personal power, and keeps me going. I don’t give up, and it gets better.  I get better.  My life gets better.

Yes, it is all about presence and stillness.  It’s a practice.  I’m still working at it. And even though I think I’m not that good at it, it’s still working.

It is Done. California's Spiritual Community Will Die

California is in the midst of an energetic mess that began in the 1960s as has reached a point of crisis today.  In the Sixties, large groups of people used concepts such as “energy healing,” “spirituality,” “Tantra,” and similar concepts basically for no other reason than to justify their own selfish behavior and need for ego inflating.  There was nothing even remotely spiritually connected about what they were doing – they just wanted to assuage their guilt for disappointing their WWII-veteran parents by avoiding a way and so they came up with a diversion.

The Vietnam War ended, but the diversion remained, glorified by a handful of people who wanted to keep the party going.  Then a new generation came along – mine – who was too young to have any connection with Vietnam and so had no first-hand experience with the obvious sham that was “spirituality” in California.  Most of us didn’t buy it, but enough did (augmented by the Dungeons and Dragons zeitgeist among the nerdy elements) that it took on a life of its own.

Then came new generations, and finally Millennials – who know only the BS carbon-copy and have zero historical context.  And they actually believe this crap.  Meanwhile the original parents of this nonsense have been repeating their lies so often they now actually believe their own BS (or they’re in the throes of early-stage Alzheimer’s brought on by years of overuse of “healthy” drugs like marijuana and LSD and so literally forgot that it’s all a joke).

So now we have a situation where millions of people believe they are learning ancient traditions from thousands of years ago when it comes to energy, spirituality, Tantra and healing, when they’re really just learning recycled bullshit passed down by California hippies from the 1960s.  It’s all bullshit.  Just pot smoke and mirrors.

Meanwhile a real energetic change is happening.  So there is this schism – the energy of the deluded hippies and their offspring, which is hopelessly corrupted (because it’s founded on complete BS) and the real cosmic energetic changes going on.

This is all complicated further because most people can see the hippies are full of shit, that Burning Man is nothing but an excuse for people to take drugs and fuck, and has ZERO to do with spirituality, and that this “energy” crap as the hippies talk about it is just a lie.  And as a result, most of these people also reject the VERY REAL energetic structures and shifts taking place.  Because is California spirituality is bullshit, then it stands to reason it’s all BS.

And so California has reached a point of crisis.  Energies are shifting very quickly, but almost nobody will pay attention.  A good portion are mired in delusion and the rest are in full rejection of everything.  It’s gotten to the point where, in order for anyone to be healed, pretty much the entire California-based (which included Boulder, Sedona, and every other ‘New Age’ community around) ‘healing community’ will need to be pulled out from the roots and thrown away.

And this is what has now happened, at least the beginning. I met with the council of archangels earlier this week, who were assembled along with the spiritually-aligned healers (good luck finding them, they’re nothing like the hippie stereotype).  They summoned me to help attune the alignment of California’s spiritual energy with Source.  I wasn’t aware I was even capable of this, much less the one person whose help they needed.

Keep in mind I didn’t generate the actual alignment, that was done by others.  My job was a more specific function.  But essential. The energy is now perfectly aligned. They created for me an energetic shield to protect me and others from the energetic storm that is beginning to brew.

Wednesday night and early Thursday morning it rained.  It never rains here this time of year.  And there wasn’t a storm system associated with the rain, the energy  shift created a weather pattern.

When I was summoned I was pulled through three wormholes and ended up in on a planet in a different universe.  On this planet the animals and foliage is enormous.  Our entire meeting group assembled comfortably on a small leaf on a plant in a vast forest – and most of the participants were ten feet tall, including myself.  Including guards, attendants and a military garrison, there were probably a thousand beings, and even those on the farthest perimeter couldn’t see to the edge of the leaf with the naked eye.  No life forms that live on that planet are above the second density. 

It’s a really nice place, it’s said to be the most energetically secure planet of any known universe, mostly because it’s so far removed from the areas of conflict.  Settlement by any beings above second density is strictly prohibited, as is soul disposal, though I’m not sure who if anyone is actually enforcing that prohibition (best not to find out the hard way).

This is my first experience of interdimensional soul travel.  It’s pretty mind-blowing. My body was still there in my bedroom.  I’d notice I was shifting in my sitting position, and even at one point conversing with my wife, all while I was engaged in this extremely important activity.

At the end of this meeting I was told that I needed to step up and take my place as a leader.  I have spent most of my life living in self-doubt and anxiety and I was told this was to protect me.  But now it was time to let go of my childish attachment to such things and assume my place of leadership. 

I’m still wrapping my head around all this.  Another major phase is supposed to happen this weekend.  Maybe as early as tonight. 

General Update: Clearing Energy, and the Death of the California Spiritual Community

Energies are moving much more quickly around me and things are becoming much more clear in my field. 

I’ve been going through a period of cutting out people in my social media who are afflicted with spiritual rot.  It seems recent events have made identifying these people much easier. And also my current energy state is making it easier to let them go, to stop justifying keeping them around.

One of my voices against doing this kept saying I’d be bored, that I’d invested so much in these spiritual endeavors and people, now I’m throwing it away.  But actually, throwing away the crap has saved my spiritual practice.  It’s not polluted as much with BS.  And if it means my social media becomes devoid of all but a small handful of spiritual people, all the better. 

Not spending time (or not spending nearly as much time, anyhow) on social media has actually opened up my energy.  No surprise, I’m more productive at work, and actually finding more things to do with my time.  Turns out social media and the “stuff” promoted by the toxic spirituality crowd wasn’t taking up idle time, it was crowding out a whole lot of other things I hadn’t even thought about because I lacked the time and energy to work on them – the time I voluntarily gave up to engage in the other bullshit.

Cutting out the energetic garbage actually leads to less boredom and more focused effort.  Unfriending non-friends actually creates space for real friendship.  I end up not missing these people or things.

The “boredom” and “urge to be doing something” is tough to move through.  On the other side is sadness. Unprocessed hurt is driving the distraction.  But it’s only by going through the desire to distract myself that I can finally process this pain and sadness.

There’s sadness and regret and guilt.  And it’s not overwhelming or scary.  In fact it’s easy to process and heal.  And then I sleep much better.

The energies in California have aligned with Source, but unfortunately the overwhelming majority of people in CA who consider themselves spiritual or evolved are being cut off from this energetic shift.  For them it’ll be separation and death.  It’s the way it has to be, I’ve come to accept it.  People really don’t change for the most part. 

Oh these people will still be around – making noise, spouting hippie BS, imagining themselves connected to Source, but spiritually they are dying.  And eventually their physical bodies will die too.  We’re already seeing this, many people in the so-called “spiritual community” in CA are dropping like flies.  People will blame it on depression, or drugs, or misfortune, but it’s the end game of the energetic shift.

I’ve seen so many people who supposedly eat well, exercise regularly and everything else, yet their energy is regularly in the “dangerously low” zone.  People outside of the “spiritual community” don’t really talk about adrenal fatigue, but every other person in the “spiritual community” suffers from this while in the general population it’s a rare affliction.  It’s going to get worse.  And then the entire community as it is structured will collapse and die.

But again, as for me, things getting better and better.  And the message I’m getting is to keep going into the light and cut away the dead branches.  There’s nothing to do now but cut the dying energy away and focus on expanding my own life and energetic practice. 

Self-Inquiry and Where I Go From Here

My energy has clearly opened up over the past two months, and opened at another level this last week.  For the past 4 ½ years, my energy has been moving forward but weighed down a lot. Over the past couple months, and accelerating this month, a lot of that weight is lifted and the energy is much more free, to the point where I have space to process and repurpose things from my “bad energy” past into my present.  I was sitting on a lot of stuff and didn’t want to even look at it.  Now I can use it or finally get rid of it.

And this freedom also means I don’t have to hold onto things that were beneficial but maybe outlived their usefulness, or have turned rotten on their own and need to be eliminated. 

I was looking at pictures of myself from twenty years ago, and it was a time when my energy was high but also misdirected and there was a lot of negative energy in my field I wasn’t clearing out. And I looked older than I do now.  I had fuller, darker hair, but I was overweight and had the look of someone who was ageing too rapidly on the inside.  Energetically I’ve actually reversed the ageing process.

So what am I doing now with this expanded energy?  I’m back to actually doing alchemy instead of hunkering down.  I’m engaged in Natural Grounding.  I’ve finally made the decision to end my work with Destin and his group and refocus my energy toward positive, productive things in my own life and area of impact. I’m more active with my family and career than I’ve ever been. 

And now I’m feeling a calling to find outlets for my energy.  The time for slowing down and doing nothing is coming to a close and I’m being called to move forward. But in what direction and in what way is not clear.

I feel called in many different directions, and feel resistance in all of those directions.  So there’s still processing going on.

One thing I’ve noticed is coaching keeps calling me in and I truly enjoy my work when helping people find happier and more fulfilling lives and clearing out their limiting BS.  It feels good, and the universe keeps handing me clients.

But I’m torn.  I don’t sense this is a profession, more a calling to serve.  I have a great job that pays well and there’s no reason to change careers.  I could maybe add this as a second gig on the side, but I feel zero calling to build a practice.

Furthermore, I don’t like what I see out there in the “evolutionary coaching” scene.  My Facebook is full of hippies contributing nothing of value to the world who hold themselves out as “personal coaches,” basically to avoid taking responsibility for their lives.  All these losers living the same “life purpose,” and not one of them actually making an honest living from it.  It’s escapism. 

To go on my soap box a little – a coach who doesn’t have his basic shit handled – job, paying bills, taking care of his family and being a responsible member of society – CANNOT coach.  If you suck at the very basic aspect of living, you are a life FAILURE, not a life COACH.  Duh. Yet I can count over a dozen people on my Facebook alone who are broke, pathetic LOSERS who claim they’re rejecting conformity by refusing to be responsible people and instead “living their purpose” – which coincidentally is ALWAYS “life coaching.”

As they say, those who can’t do, coach.  So if you suck ass at life, then by that logic your calling must be to coach others to be successful at life, right?  Bullshit.

In every one of these cases, my life is MUCH better than theirs.  These people holding themselves out as coaches are basically sponges of society.  In at least three cases, the “coach” has his or her kids taken away or supervised by the government for failure at basic parenting.  In a dozen others, they can’t pay their own rent.  They can pontificate – boy, they’re good at blathering on and on and on (yah, they got the resources to fund their pot habit, obviously).  They all claim to be legendary in bed (yet none of them is very good at actually maintaining a relationship, so one has to question how truly ‘irresistible’ these supposedly awesome lovers truly are), and more than willing to share their knowledge (which in every case is just more pot-inspired verbal diarrhea of zero value).

So basically we’re talking about a bunch of losers with overinflated senses of self-worth using “coaching” as a means of propping up their fragile egos to help them forget that their lives are basically total shit.  So no, I have no interest whatsoever in being associated in any way with that cohort.  I am proud of my success in life.  I’m not perfect by any means, but next to these people…?

And those that are “successful” are almost all total bottom-feeders, basically leeching off of people with low self-esteem.  They’re charlatans. I’ve seen all kinds of deception and outright theft of product among people who claim to teach “integrity,” and it’s disgusting.  Even the very few that are good coaches and ethical tend to play to the lowest common denominator – they’ve sharpened the marketing saw but their coaching product is bland and uninspiring.

So I don’t want to be energetically associated with the evolutionary coaching fad as it is currently structured.  And at the same time I keep getting called to serve and doing a good job at helping people in my own way.  I have a lot of skills and experience to offer, without wallowing in failure or using drugs for inspiration.  My resistance is I don’t want to be “one of them.”  So I won’t.

Then there’s the writing.  Writing is always a part of my expression, but I’m sure there’s more.  What would I be offering that’s distinct and value-added amidst a sea of charlatans, flakes and incompetents? What would I be offering that actually would inspire me to put energy into that endeavor and work on my craft?

One of the things I’ve observed about myself in my communication is that I tend to overstate the positive in my progress and minimize anything that’s not going well. This isn’t conscious, it’s more that I really want things I’m doing to “work,” and also mistakes and areas of improvement sounds like drudgery and work.  With the energies opening up, I can look more honestly and put more conscious attention on things I want to improve. 

So here’s my current list:

Focus:

1.       Eliminate overthinking and worry by focusing and refocusing on the present moment

2.       Connect to stillness – continue and expand practice

3.       Focus on healing and releasing all shame, guilt, embarrassment, and negative beliefs

4.       Expand the container of unflappability – notice where things are getting under my skin and consciously expand my capacity to hold space for these things

5.       Expand into those areas I want to go but hold back out of fear of the “energy spikes.” 

6.       Discover what things I want to do and do them.

7.       Get a full night’s sleep every night

8.       Lose 10 pounds

It’s a fine line between discussing areas of personal improvement and whining about my problems.  I hate whiners.  And I’m sure my undersharing of my areas that I seek to improve is a result of that disdain. But it’s not whining if you’re doing something about it, it’s reflection. And it’s important. What’s the point of an anonymous blog if I’m not going to utilize it to explore those less-than-perfect aspects of myself?

Clearing Out Junk -- Consciously

I'd never be this person, but some days my "stuff" feels like this.

 

For someone who spends a lot of time working on clearing my space, clearing my energy and getting rid of things, I seem to have a lot of stuff. Every time I go through it I end up throwing bags and bags away and still have too much stuff. 

There’s all kinds of unprocessed stuff.  Every time I look through my papers and such I think “why did I keep this?”  This go around I tossed out a bunch of crap “self-help” books like “Non-Violent Communication,” “The Way of the Superior Man” and “The Power of Now.”  And all kinds of junk letters and cards that don’t serve me.  It’s good that I clear stuff out, but why do I keep these things?  Old clothes I didn’t even know I still had, stuff I never use but for some reason feel like I need to keep.  Then I throw it out.

I only have room for a limited amount of stuff in my life.  For some reason I keep more than I know I have room for, in the hopes that maybe I’ll have space for it again someday.  Occasionally I’ll repurpose the old stuff, but most of the time it just festers, taking up space, until I throw it out. 

In a few cases I feel bad.  A well-intentioned gift that I simply cannot use that I carry from place to place.  Or a poor spending choice that I never derived value from but hope I can someday. Or something that had personal value when I decided to save it and since lost its value, and maybe I don’t want to admit it no longer holds value, as if admitting so would dishonor a part of my past. 

The festering junk I hold onto takes a toll.  I thought I did a really good job of keeping the energy in my living area clean, but I realize I still have too much junk.  And after throwing out boxes of stuff, still too much.  I’ll need another round of throwaway.  Especially clothes, but everything. 

As I reflect on this, I realize my inability to admit I made a mistake on a purchase, or that my lifestyle has changed, really sets me back energetically.  The stuff I keep around because of “denial” is an energetic anchor.  I have a motto – “when it doubt, throw it out.”  But I need to really put this into practice, because my ongoing process as been more like “if there’s a doubt, don’t throw it out.” 

But it’s been years of a kayak staying somewhere not where I can use it.  And that won’t change anytime soon.  So – fuck it.  Like it or not I’m not kayaking.  Get rid of it.  A more proactive approach to keeping my space clear would be “use it or lose it.”  And this goes for everything I own.  Either I find a use for it or it finds the trash can and I learn to be more careful about my purchases in the future.  And personal effects, either scrapbook or scrap heap.  I have “sentimental” junk that means nothing and just keeps going on and on with me, and it’s stupid. 

Just this process of sitting down and reflecting has helped me clarify things on an energetic/ emotional level.  There’s a lot I’m ready to let go, a lot I’m ready to repurpose, and very little that I need, or even want, to keep.  Going through the stuff really helped and letting it go really opened up energy.

Because carrying stuff isn’t helpful.  Either I need to use and engage with the things I have or completely get rid of them. Better to keep just a few things and give those things great attention than to spread little to no attention over many things that serve me little or none. 

But it’s more than just blindly tossing things out.  It’s taking a moment to go through every item, reflect on it and make a conscious decision.  Some things are easy, others are logically easy but emotionally there are values conflicts that need to be resolved.  Others can be repurposed and it takes a little imagination.  And in some cases the process needs to be done several times, each time squeezing out more junk and bringing more value to everything else. 

Doing this is a very dynamic process.  It brings life back to places of stale energy while freeing up space.  It’s also a good meditative/ reflective process – it gives me a chance to finally heal and resolve some old internal “stuff.”  And I’m sure there are ways to expand on this experience, transforming something I normally dread into a process I look forward to doing that brings me energy instead of draining me.

It’s interesting how a process that in the past has been a reflexive “don’t think about it and throw it away,” and something I would dread, is evolving into something that’s actually energetically uplifting.  That going through the old stuff can be a valuable energetic practice in and of itself.



Again My Intuition Is Right: It's a Cult

Sometimes you're too close to things to see the obvious truth in front of you, but my intuitive need to disassociate from someone and something that was feeling more and more like a cult was because - duh - it's a cult.

I worked with this guy for years and could see the warning signs, both in him and my reactions, but I ignored them.  Mostly because when I first met him he was an aspiring cult leader, and sucked at it.  But he was a pretty good cult FOLLOWER even from the beginning.

Now it's becoming clear as he steps into his power that he's manifesting his dreams of actually having a fucking cult.  And apparently he thinks this is fucking cool.

Ugh.  Glad to be done with that shit.

His weird new protégé who mimics his every tic (and fucking lives with him), his fascination with Osho and the Paradise rape cul-er, "ashram," the whole wanting to create his own motherfucking ashram.  Oh, and joining up with "Ethical Cult Building" which sells itself as a marketing training business but has all the creepy cult-fan imagery. 

Fuck that.  And fuck me for supporting that. Cults in any form are utter and complete bullshit and the people who lead them - or aspire to - are 100% fucked in the head.

I can't support this.  You've got to be fucking kidding me - this is mental illness in viral form. 

Fuck.  That.  Shit.