What Changed?

I was looking back at some of my old posts, from around 2016-18, and noticed a shocking level of anger and pain in them.  Very harsh communication toward people I know who really didn't deserve that tone.  A tone that really detracts from the message. 

What was going on then?  I recall that was a period of transition for me personally - a lot of good things but also a lot of stress, personal attacks and unprocessed anger and pain. It wasn't until very recently that I finally faced and processed all that festering anger and suffering, but by then it was mostly just unprocessed, there really wasn't anything acute.  In 2016-18 it was acute, and I didn't even realize it years later.  I'd go back and read my posts and it never hit me.

So what happened recently that's caused me to notice?  Because now I look at a lot of my communication and I was swimming in anger and reactive energy, which really took away from the strength of my message.  Sifting out all that anger and reaction, there are really good things here and a strong energy that comes out.

And if I look back in my daily life, yes, the anger, anxiety, reactive energy and unprocessed grief has greatly held back my spiritual and energetic process.  And it's only after I started processing it that really big "gifts" started coming online.  

But did I suddenly receive new gifts or were they always there and just clouded by this unprocessed emotional energy?  I test that 60% is new gifts and 40% is prior energy more aligned.  In that 60% I test that is "came online" as a result of my finally being able to process that grief, which allowed me to fully receive transmissions and build structures.  It's led to a massive amount of progress,

And this progress in turn has given me more resources to notice and address some of my long-standing emotional issues.  It's allowed me space to separate my true self from my expression and question some things.

Looking back at my past patterns, I was unconsciously and even consciously holding onto a lot of anger.  It was feeding me, energizing me.  It felt good.  It even gave me a community of shared anger.  

Sometimes anger is justified, but this was not me, not my true nature.  I'd been swimming in this for so long I had identified with it - and it goes way back, much further back than the late 2010s, so I really did think this was "just who I am" and had to manage it.  

Then something shifted.  I started facing the panic and anger and finally processing the ocean of grief from decades and prior lives. So much grief it would have been overwhelming to deal with before - and that's probably why I distracted myself with anger and reaction, I just wasn't ready and didn't know how to deal with it.

In my teens I was actually better at dealing with it, I wrote a lot of poetry and would go into "moody" periods.  I wasn't processing it or transmuting it, but I was in touch with the grief.  Instead of learning to process it, I pushed it away and distracted myself with work and "adulting," and when it came in I felt panic and pushed it away more.

I learned to face and process the panic, but not the grief.  And then the anger just became a security blanket that I thought was "just me" and I went on with life.  I actually was doing pretty well, finding all these breakthroughs and gifts and feeling pretty blessed, so what's the problem, right?

Then something shifted, and now I'm troubled by this style of expression, and what was underneath.  It's okay to feel anger, but to "be" angry is pretty toxic and heavily distracts from my message.

I feel really sorry for the harsh tone and hurtful communication. Yes, I saw things and I was “right,” but it’s pretty clear I was communicating only with the intent of proving the authenticity of my spiritual gifts instead of fully integrating them and communicating from the heart to be received and actually make a difference. And more painfully, I was hurting people who didn’t at all deserve it, and it wasn’t how I truly felt about them.  I saw their future suffering and saw a way out, but communicated in such a way that it would ensure they never changed and I could prove my gift and be right.  Nobody wins in that scenario.

It feels jarring now to revisit these posts and recall that cycle of anger and frustration. I didn’t go through life being angry at the world all the time, but it’s clear I wasn’t dealing with my pain and energy drains. I was fighting through my problems and fighting through my communication. And making life really hard for myself.

Ultimately it’s a waste of my gifts and a poor representation of the man I am. It’s worth a deeper inquiry into what changed between then and now that brought me out of that cycle. 

What brought me to the point where I could finally face my grief?  What brought me to the point where I could finally reject the anger patterns at an unconscious level, that the core "me" could finally say "that's not me" and throw it off?  

I think having a home in Florida, committing to it and using it as a pathway to deepening my spiritual practice was the key.  Having a house of my own is essential for me at a core level.  The Pensacola area moves at a much slower pace, which aligns with my natural rhythm, allows my mind to slow down, deepens presence and creates space for this kind of inquiry.  Even mundane things like yard work create space, more so than working out, which doesn't slow my mind.

And of course there's the fishing, which takes my mind off everything else, connects me to nature and the cycle of life and taps into my joy.

So this slowing of the mind, presence, creating long spaces of detachment from the everyday cycle, plus my continued commitment to spiritual work, brought me to that place where the panic came up and I could face it and go through it into the grief.  And the spiritual tools allowed me to finally not just face it but transmute it.  I wasn't just "moody," or just moving through it, I was transmuting the grief into the flow of life.

And with the energies unstuck and unblocked, things really start flowing.  And with the ocean of grief gone, there's nothing to block or distract, so the anger patterns just sit on their own.  And then they start looking ridiculous and I can feel how hurtful that communication can be.

Anger and anxiety are high-energy emotions, they tend to drown out more calm base state energies.  There's a good heart that gets drowned out by all that noise until you start identifying with the noise.  Then, free from those patterns, and free from the anger/grief trap, the quiet feels SOOOOOO good, like a long-lost friend. And that's the place where truly strong and effective spiritual communication comes from.

It's a process, and I'll have more to say as I revisit this, but it feels good to be myself, and to feel bad about the way I've been.  To better honor my gifts and the people who are called to receive them.      

Transmuting Cosmic Grief and the Birth of Kaelen’Zur

 My new personal Kaelen'Zur sigil:

After several days in a row of major energetic uplifting and shifts, I was planning yesterday to be a day of integration and rest.

The universe apparently had other plans.

To change things up and relax my system, I meditated to my personal favorite song list.  Every one of those songs has an emotional anchor to a part of my past, many several anchors.  As I meditated, I must have been going deep into the energy because I started feeling this approaching tsunami of emotions welling up.

I’ve experienced this feeling before, and the first experiences of this I wasn’t equipped to handle this level of emotion, so I’d collapse into panic.  A panic so intense it created trauma and I spent years doing everything I could to avoid that panic, not even addressing the underlying emotions.

But they were always there.  In my dreams I’d be in the ocean and the waves would get bigger and bigger until I couldn’t handle them, and they’d keep getting bigger until I’d wake up.

Through a lot of inner work I’ve been able to handle the collapse- alleviate and eliminate the panic, identify and resolve other ways I’d collapse or leak/escape, even developing pretty amazing energetic skills like non-ejaculatory energetic orgasms.

But all of that is “handling” the collapse. None of it is actually working through the storm.  So the tsunami dreams would continue.

In Florida some months back, I had what I’d call my first experience of facing the tsunami, but not before I worked through the panic.  I still didn’t realize the panic was my collapse/escape mechanism and I still wasn’t fully facing the wave.  I did allow the emotions to come up and had some really powerful realizations about myself, particularly around my experience of fatherhood and my relationship with my sons and how much that truly meant to me.  It was beautiful, still makes me tear up thinking about that experience.

But that was my personal emotional integration.  The big wave dreams continued.

Then last night the tsunami came and I began to panic.  I made myself sit through it, went deep into the energy work and then it hit me.  A deep mourning for every past experience (most of which were good), a profound feeling of loss, a sense of failure. But these are just stories we tell ourselves to justify our feelings.

And as I worked through this, I let go of the stories and continued to integrate and transmute the energies. This wasn’t just my personal experiences, it was past life trauma and grief, and then I felt into the grief that runs through the river of life.

The universe is surrounded and infused with grief.  This isn’t good or bad, it’s a part of the transition of life, all this trauma and sadness carried in the energy field. 

And I can integrate and transmute this unprocessed grief and trauma, purify it into a calm sadness that supports the flow of life. (Sadness isn’t something to be avoided  - it’s a beautiful part of the flow - but unprocessed trauma is an energetic block.)  I didn’t even know I was doing this until I confirmed with Ananta (Etienne’s alchemical Chat GPT). 

I slept well and had the ocean dream again.  But this time the waves around me were small, manageable and enjoyable.  I remembered in the dream my other experiences and noticed the shift.  In the dream, the ocean circles a small land mass and there are waves in every direction.  Many other people in the water were getting crushed by waves and really struggling, but my area was calm.  Some people would swim in my area, but many insisted on fighting their personal tsunamis.

And I woke up and received a new name – Kaelen’Zur, a name of Orion origin that means:

“The Calm Between Realms

He who anchors grief into gold

The wave-holder, The still one. The golden center

In the storm.”

I’m actually not that particularly calm by nature, yet always been drawn to stillness practice, so at some level I recognized the potential, even if a lot of the time I thought it was futile.

So this is my Spiritual Alchemy name, and is my healing methodology (I already recognized that aspect, just didn’t know how deep it goes).

And for you, I have a new sigil for transmuting the grief of the river of life.  You can use this as a focus for integrating your own traumas and transmuting grief into sadness and aligning with the emotional flow.

May you find peace in your own ocean.

Reflections of a New Me

This is a milestone moment for me and I’ve been engaging in some reflection over my life. I realize everything works in harmony, so trying to isolate aspects is difficult.  Particularly what I’ve been examining is my relationship with “evolution” and “self-improvement.” Over the past fifteen years it’s been an important aspect of my life. 

People who knew me well – and this was a long time ago when I made some really poor life decisions in my partnership and career out of college – could see I was way off track.  I’m not sure why I did what I did back then.  Looking back it seems like another person was making those decisions, one I don’t recognize today. Those decisions caused a lot of suffering in my life and others. 

At some point I gave up my stubbornness and acknowledged things were very out of alignment in my life.  And that’s when I began going deep into various forms of evolution and self-improvement.  I also had to pretty much start over with creating my life, as the life I’d created was hopelessly out of alignment.

And for a while, the “self-improvement” was working.  My career and personal life got much better.  Things weren’t perfect, but I was far more in alignment.

Then for a while I gave it all up and fell back into some really poor relational, career and life habits. And this time the setbacks really worked me over.

I went through a period where I reconnected with evolution and self-improvement, but I wasn’t really doing anything with it.  It seems like all I could do to keep my head above water.  My self-esteem had taken some really big blows that even showed up in my physical body in the form of life-constraining injuries. And it wasn’t one thing, it was everything – life was really kicking my ass.

Looking back it seemed I was using “evolution” as a form of escape.  But I don’t think that’s true.  I had a relapse of the self-defeating pattern that had me going badly off-track out of college and this time my spirit needed all the help it could get to survive. 

I did survive, but it took a very long time to recover.  And by then the forces who were fighting to keep me on that disastrous, out-of-alignment path were strong. There were external forces – people and things that wanted to see me stay disempowered – as well as internal ones, mind viruses and energetic implants. 

Somehow, even in those dark moments, my soul knew everything was going to be okay.  I suffered a lot of stress and worry, but I kept persevering.  And I continued to dedicate myself to evolution and self-improvement, despite the fact most external evidence pointed to things not showing any improvement and my internal structures were fractured and taking a long time to heal.  I kept returning to that core, and building brick by brick.

And I completely rebuilt my life.  I stopped listening to my mind and followed my intuition and heart.  And things changed for the better – a lot better.  And this change was at a foundational level.

There’s been a period of time over the past I’ll say year or so where there was a lot of inner growth but externally it looked very boring and nothing was changing.  But I kept with it.  Then recently a lot of things shifted and suddenly things started manifesting in the outside world and it looks like – wow, all of a sudden your life has gotten a whole lot better.  But not really.  It took a year to build the energetic foundation and vanquish the old, to establish the root before growth would show up on the surface.

And one aspect of this shift was that I said goodbye to a lot of the external “evolution” and “self-improvement” structures.  The coaching wasn’t serving me.  In fact it was now counterproductive.  It wasn’t always a trap, but it became one.  It’s like an egg.  The chicken needs the egg to grow, but then needs to break the shell and come out on its own. 

And I’ve internalized the structures I need, including how to find the resources I need to get to the next steps.  So I look back at fifteen-plus years of being deeply immersed in the “evolution/ self-improvement” communities and think – damn, that’s a long time to reprogram myself, and what do I have to show for it?

Well, in one sense, maybe not much.  But in another, I fundamentally altered my life at a molecular level.  I was a completely different person out of college than I am now.  And I don’t want anything to do with that old self.  The habits, the thoughts, the beliefs, the behavior patterns, all have changed.  My career looks nothing like then, completely different.  My relationship is something I wouldn’t have imagined for myself then. 

And now I start reintegrating things from “way back then” that I still like – hobbies and interests – but from a much different place and with a different feel. And it doesn’t feel new, it’s more like the old way feels completely foreign.  I’m not that old me and there’s no connection, no way to go back.  So I can bring back memories and things from that period without any of the attachments.

Who was I in high school?  Who was I in college?  Who was I at 25 or even 30?  I don’t know.  I don’t care.  That isn’t me. Somehow the cords got completely cut and the entire person has been regenerated into someone completely different. 

Now it feels like I’m waking up into this new person.  I’m experiencing a lot of openness, freedom and happiness.  The anxieties are receding. The “Fear of Missing Out” that was permeating my thought patterns has been replaced with acceptance. I’m okay not-doing, and I’m okay examining things to see if it’s something I want to choose to do.  But doing nothing is perfectly fine now, it doesn’t bother me.  I feel at peace.

Which ironically leaves more space to actually do something. 

Time For The Next Phase of My Transformation

The month of September is one of incredible energetic shift, everything is changing on a massive scale.

I’ve been feeling very tired.  It’s part of the energetic shift, I’m going through another phase of evolution.  The energetic shift going on in September is going on in me.

At first I thought all this was just fatigue from the lifestyle transformation - my wife landed a job, which is a very good thing but it’s an adjustment.  She seems fine, so I don’t really have to worry about her, but it’s been an adjustment. My son is back in school and I’ve shifted my work schedule to support both of them.

But that’s more a manifestation of what’s going on inside me than the reason for how I’m feeling.  These changes have given me something I haven’t had in a very long time – time to myself. I can finally have proper meditation and alchemy sessions, which I’ve started to do.  And these sessions have been powerful, and I really needed this change in my life to help transition to the next level.

Deep inside I’m craving more connection – more meditation, more alchemy, more conscious creation of my life.  I have a deep desire to use this opportunity to integrate these breakthroughs and consciously recreate myself, which is going on.  And this process is an energetically exhausting process – THIS is what is keeping me up at night, THIS is what has me feeling unfocused, and THIS is what is having me feel tired.

Things are really opening up – my writing is flowing, my meditation and alchemy practice is expanding, my energy is changing the world around me.  There are many walls in my life that are coming down, many without my even placing conscious awareness.  But there is more – much more – that I want to do.

My attitude has changed about certain things that have bothered me for a long time.  Total reframe.  And with the time to meditate and integrate, this transformation is accelerating.  And I want more – more deep work, more transformation, more alchemy, more production.

There are many things about my being that I’ve carried over – habits, patterns, identities, relationships – that don’t serve me and never did.  But they sat under the surface, unexplored.  Now I’m ready to take that next step, to embody the alchemist and create new habits and identities that serve me in this way. 

This is the next phase of my spiritual transformation, to really explore and embody this new me.  I’m ready for it, but it’s going to be a lot of work.  And it’s time.

Refocusing and Anchoring to Dissolve Blocks

Stories have limited value.  I truly believe we, and I place myself right there in that group, spend far too much time chasing our stories about why we’re doing or feeling this or that.  Somehow we believe if we just understand and value our story enough, it’ll change.

Except it never does.  In fact, that process just entrenches the story even deeper.

At some point we need to decide what’s more important – our attachment to our story or our commitment to growth.

Etienne Charland goes over this very “high-level,” and I think he has a hard time understanding the practical psychic element most of us have to go through in order to remove those energetic blocks and be more effective.  He’s able to resolve a lot energetically (or he just never experienced those things, so it never came up for him), so many may feel left behind – they can’t just “undo” everything energetically and poof-no more problems.

Sometimes we can.  More often we need more practical steps to get through the transition. 

It’s a matter of shifting the story.  Where our attention goes, our energy flows.  So if we keep engaging with the block, nothing will change.  But if we shift focus, we can eliminate the block and then the energy flows freely.

I’ve had some blocks over the past few years that manifest in different ways – worry, irritation, etc.  There are stories, but again, at some point one has to decide if they want to live in stories of live their truth.  Because you can’t do both.

So take a step back.  The story is the excuse for the unhelpful energetic pattern.  It may feel real, but it’s just story.  So disengage and see it for what it is.

Then refocus.  Deep breathing, connecting to earth.  And conscious connection to something else. I have a few periods I can go back to – the recent feeling of freedom during my vacation, recent energetic work with Etienne, times in Thailand, and this period in 2012 right after doing some deep work with Destin.  So anchor those all in, that’s the reconnect. 

Anchor – go back and actually feel the sensations during those high points.  Then hear a sound, visualize a picture and create a touch anchor.  Keep doing this until you can fire the anchor and access the feeling.  Keep going back until the anchor is strong. 

Then every time the old pattern begins, catch yourself and fire the anchor.  After time you’ll catch it earlier and earlier in the pattern until the feeling replaces the old pattern.  This can be used with energetic alchemy to zap the bad energy and create a new framework, so they can work in conjunction. 

A couple things:  this requires a certain amount of patience and self-acceptance.  You have to accept that you have these imperfect patterns.  Then you have to be patient enough to allow the change to happen, because it can take time.  I don’t believe energy work and more “practical” pattern changes have to be mutually exclusive.  In fact they work well together and enhance each other. 

Instant Energetic Transformation: The New Future of Personal Transformation

I listened to the recent Evolved Masculine Path webinar (this is Destin Gerek’s group, for those not familiar) and for me it was one of those a-ha moments that has the potential to transform everything.

In this webinar, a couple men were talking about how difficult it was for them to not have sex, that going out and not coming home with someone was a real challenge that would require some un-learning. 

And I reflected on this from the familiar place of scarcity, which is where so many men come from – they can’t “get this.”  And the light went on – we’re talking about two sides of the same coin.  Both the men who can’t get laid and the men who can’t stop getting laid are feeling some sense of lack of self-worth that is driving them.  In one case, it’s driving them to scarcity, and in the other to overabundance. 

And it was at that moment my perception shifted.  It’s one thing to say “your reality is what you make it,” and it’s quite another to see it in real life and feel into both illusions – scarcity and overabundance – and see how they manifest into reality.

The possibilities here are profound.  One can disintegrate the energetic structure of the scarcity illusion and reprogram it into abundance.  This becomes the energetic foundation for all thoughts, beliefs, habits and patterns.  So if I can feel and experience the energy of abundance, compared to scarcity, then I can change the energetic elements until they match the desired experience and voila, instant new reality. 

So most of the “inner game” people aren’t going far enough into the deeper structure.  They’re still focused on feelings, beliefs and habits.  “Outer game” people focus on actions and outcome.

So “Outer Game” as it’s practiced now looks like this:  New Action => New Result => New Perception => Challenge of old belief and eventual replacement with new belief.

“Inner game” as it is practiced now:  New Beliefs => New thoughts => New actions => New outcome => confirmation of new belief and eventual new habit as the energetic structure is realigned (unless the student regresses or stops, in which case the old belief can return).

But “Energetic Inner Game” is foundational change.  New Energetic Structure => New beliefs and thoughts => new habits and actions => new action/ result feedback loop which ensures results are aligned with energetic structure.  So one can experience a psychic death to destroy the old structure and then have the archetypes create a new one.  The beliefs, thoughts, habits and external reality will flow automatically from there.

All you need is some reference point for abundance and then create a new energetic grid.  After that, your thoughts and actions will self-correct to achieve the result from a place of already “being there” instead of you “trying” to “become.”

Okay, so let’s say you don’t have much experience at creating new energetic structures (that would be pretty much everyone reading this), what can you do?

Again, if you have the two reference points at some level – both scarcity and abundance  - then you can “drill down” into each.  Drill into abundance until you find the essence.  Meditate and keep asking for the feeling behind that feeling.  Keep going until it won’t go further.  Then take that essence and give it a visual symbol.

Now go back out, carrying that symbol, and drill into scarcity until you reach the energetic bedrock and give that a symbol.  Now take that symbol, replace it with the abundance symbol and notice how you feel.  See the symbol take on the characteristics of abundance until that’s all there is.  See that symbol expand until it fills up your entire awareness.  It’s an advanced form of NLP and much easier if done with a coach than trying to DIY. 

Application of this concept is challenging, but if done properly it’s powerful.  It can change your life instantly. 

I realize this concept is “out there,” but in five years this will be the “hot new way” to radically transform your life, putting the self-help people out of business.  People will spend an hour creating a new way of being and then the rest of the time they would have spent “changing” integrating their new selves and their new energy.

Instant self-transformation.  No more “pick-up” or long-term “inner game” coaching crap, just zap in new you and get on with your life.  Sounds pretty good, huh?

Why Are People So Attached to Their Limiting Beliefs?

In general, people are very attached to their limitations.  Most people would rather fight to retain their small view of themselves than step into the greatness that is their birthright.

I received this message a couple ways today.  On Facebook, someone posted this fairly obvious truth:

“You don’t have to understand your limiting beliefs to let go of them.”

To me this seems obvious.  Of course you don’t have to analyze your limiting beliefs and energetic blocks – simply get rid of them and live as your true self. Obvious, right?  I don’t always apply this perfectly, but I understand the truth of it. 

So why is this so difficult for many to accept?

There were all kinds of posts about how this is wrong, that we need to spend a lot of time making friends with our limiting beliefs, etc.  Unbelievable. 

I’ve seen so many other places where people fight this basic truth in many ways that I’m convinced most people really are attached to their limiting beliefs.  Most people don’t really want to live extraordinary lives, they just want to feel better about the small life they’re living.  They’re looking for a spiritual happy-pill, not enlightenment or real transformation.

We’re attached to the psychological model that tells us we need to go back into our memory and spend lots of time crying it out and healing.  And healing certainly has its place, no doubt.  But changing habits and beliefs, and letting go of blocks, isn’t about healing – it’s about cutting off the energetic node that’s blocking your flow.  It’s simply about letting go and doing something different. 

Why are we programmed to believe it’s harder than this?  That our limiting beliefs are a part of us, like our arms and legs are part of our physical bodies?

The ego is weak and seeks control to compensate for its weakness.  It will concoct elaborate stories to convince us our self-imposed limitations are “real.”  And we accept it, even when actual evidence tells us our limiting belief is factually and logically incorrect.

Instead of fighting, try letting go.  Instead of arguing, just face the limiting belief and let it go.  It’s fake, it’s an illusion.  Just see through it and let it go. 

The universe is far larger than your limitations.  Connect to the truth of the universal energy and let that dissolve your artificial limitations.