Integrating Life-Changing Events

I posted about my ordination adventure, but that wasn't the only thing that happened in October/Early November.  I was chased out of my last Florida trip by the one hurricane of the Atlantic season, that hit Pensacola, Hurricane Isaias.  Here is the view of my neighborhood with a lot of fallen trees.  That house in the center with the solar panels and a fallen tree in the backyard (three actually, but one big one) is my house.  

The house is fine, I'm fine.  But I had to rush back the following week to clear the debris - and to make sure my house was okay, since the power was off and one of the cameras (which had been attached to the big tree) was inoperable even after power came back on days later.

The area took a lot of damage.  So apart from the recovery effort on my own house, I took in the physical and energetic scene in the area.  The people of North West Florida are resilient and took the hurricane and the damage in stride.  There were a lot of downed trees, lots of linemen driving around, quite a few damaged houses, debris everywhere, but for the most part everyone was cleaning up the mess and getting on with their lives.

It took me two full days to clear the three trees, using a pole saw and two different chain saws.  At the end I had some help from the neighbor, who had a much better chain saw, and we turned the large, obnoxious tree that I never really liked into a stump turned my yard back to normal.  It felt good to clear out the mess and be a part of the recovery.  I had a little indoor work, clearing out the dead food from my fridge and trying to clear out the rotted bait smell in the fridge (I won't be storing bait in that freezer again.)

There was a lot of stress and uncertainty around this, as well as some mourning of the area and the damage it took.  But mostly gratitude and a feeling of competence and belonging - I'm a Floridian now. 

After this was the preparation for monkhood, the ceremonies, the actual experience and the lessons.  And it's the last part that marries with the hurricane experience.  The big takeaways that keep coming up are presence, gratitude and belonging.  

Being present with what is, no matter how uncertain, uncomfortable or emotionally-charged they might be.  I didn't know if my house took damage for a couple days.  I suffered through intense heat in ceremonies and during my time as a monk, especially at night.  Clearing the tree one branch at a time (literally, I had to haul every piece of those trees to the street).  Taking the evening one breath at a time.  Not knowing what I was doing in the ceremonies or as a monk and just accepting the uncertainty.

I gained a lot in terms of expanding my presence.  And I found my edges, those places where I would shift into overthinking, worry or panic.  I learned to breathe into those moments and regain my presence, expanding that muscle more each time.

And I learned there are a lot of places in my life where I worry about shit that isn't important.  It just isn't.  Most of my energy has been expended on worries that don't matter at all.  But when big things came up, I stepped up. And at least for a while those little things become insignificant and I have spatiousness.

Gratitude - gratitude for my home in Florida.  Gratitude for everything being okay.  Gratitude for the lessons learned for next time.  Gratitude for my wife and Thai family.  Gratitude for the ordination experience, even the uncomfortable parts, maybe especially the uncomfortable parts, because they trained me to find more presence.  

Belonging - belonging to the Pensacola community.  Belonging to Florida.  I'm one of the hurricane survivors now.  Belonging to a Thai family and community.  Belonging to the monkhood.  Places where I felt disconnection or loneliness, I discovered there is connection, a deeper connection that's always there and always been there.  It took these events for my eyes and heart to open and to feel that connection.  

Pensacola is a new place for me. Thailand is a whole different country with a language I don't really speak or understand.  And yet I've discovered connection in both these places.  A connection that isn't earned, it's ever present and available to anyone at any time.

And where else have I been denying myself that sense of belonging, that sense of interconnectedness? Where am I still holding onto illusions of loneliness and isolation?  Where am I energetically pushing away or hiding?  Where am I living in old patterns of fear and disengagement when connection and belonging is right there in front of me?

And circling around, how can I be more present to that interconnectedness?  How can I open up to deeper gratitude?  

I spent a lot of effort and words in my earlier days on "learning to connect" in various forms.  I've learned since then that connection is more about deep self-acceptance than "doing something" special to earn connection. It's not something granted to you by others, it's something you welcome in as you release patterns that don't serve you and embrace your core truth. 

These experiences carried those lessons deeper. Connection truly is ever-present and a part of life.  We are all interconnected.  And when we experience this reality, it changes the way we relate to everything.  There are no tricks or hurdles to jump.  It's about letting go of your shit and becoming more and more present to the connectedness that already exists in all life and exists in you and through you.

You don't "become" a connective force, you ARE one. And for that we can all be grateful.

 

My Time as a Monk

As of this writing I am still in Thailand, with quite an experience to share and a lot of integration still to go.  This time in Thailand, I did something I never thought I would do - I was ordained as a monk.  As it turns out I was only a monk for one day - the incessant heat exhaustion proved too much for me and I had to cut it short to honor my body, but I only cut it short one day and I got what I wanted from this experience and then some.

I went thorough the whole ceremony with my brother-in-law in Lan Sak, a village in Uthai Thani, Thailand.  It's a small farming village pretty much in the middle of nowhere, so this was diving off the deep end.

The ceremonies were very elaborate and very touching.  My wife and her family spent a lot of time preparing and setting this up.  It included a large party with 1,000 guests and a recording artist singer, a "music-mobile," this truck that has a full band inside that drives around playing music while people dance in the street and we sat in the back of a truck collecting donations (and getting VERY hot).

First ordained as monks.

I like this picture, pretty much my last picture as a monk - right after this was the ceremony to complete my monkhood.  If you look closely you can see I'm sweating all the way through the robes.  But I made it through a very challenging night with the heat and sleeping on a mat on the floor. Also made it through a series of ceremonies, each of which came with heat exhaustion.

Here is the merit ceremony, where I got to sit in front of the group as a monk and receive offerings.

Another POV, this was earlier on the first day.

Villagers in front of the "music mobile."

Where we slept.  And yes the second floor is much hotter than the first. Especially at night.  Showers were a barrel of water and a bowl, and let me tell you, they felt GREAT!  Loved the showers there.

It was indeed a spiritual experience, but not in the ways I imagined when I was first invited to do this.  And it's reframed my relationship and practice of spirituality greatly.  The whole "in the clouds, fighting entities" thing isn't where it's at.  God is present in people, and connecting with God is connecting with that presence, not sitting alone in a cave or at an altar playing some version of Dungeons and Dragons.

The most spiritual aspects of this experience were the places where I felt that realization and that connection.  And by the way, the spiritual aspects of my experience with Hurricane Isaias was similar - it's not about the weather as much as people.  It's about finding that interconnectedness that also opens channels inside yourself.  Praying in a temple is more ritual than spiritual. 

 I'll have more to say about this as I integrate this experience, along with the earlier hurricane experience at my Florida home right before this, and the interesting election, which was a disaster everywhere except my home state of Florida. So a lot to unpack and integrate.