My energy has really opened up over the past month and now
I’m making big changes in important areas of my life.
Some people aren’t going to like this post. Some people I consider friends aren’t going
to like this post, and I hope they can learn to understand this isn’t a
personal attack on them, this is a truth I have learned on my journey. It may not be good for their business, but that’s
not my business.
One of the things I realize about myself is stillness is a
constant practice. But it’s also the
most important characteristic of massive, positive change. A constant level of doing-ness will not
produce change, only create the illusion of change through unnecessary and
counterproductive movement. Over time
this doing-ness will lead to fatigue and you’ll be left with the unsettling
feeling that much was done and little was accomplished.
Most things do not need to be done. Most thoughts do not need any attention. Most of the time the proper response to
everything is nothing – stillness.
It is only looking back that I realize the period of doing
nothing and going inward was my most productive period of time. Instead of wasting time and effort doing
things to no effect, I brought my attention inward to the source of the desire
to “do something” or engage in thought patterns. While nothing was going on at the surface,
much healing and change was taking place inside.
People would ask what I’m up to and I’d say “not much.” I’d find myself getting annoyed with the
questions – Do I need to waste my time so I can give you an interesting story? Why am I feeling bad about saying I’m not
doing anything? Why does it feel good
and right when the world tells me it’s unhealthy? Why am I feeling lazy, lonely and bored? And these are good questions. They lead to the sources of my patterns.
It’s both difficult and a relief to arrive at the
realization that much of my life has been a waste of a lot of time, money
(which is time) and energy to little effect.
But when I look at my life and say I have managed it poorly, this is
actually optimistic. It means I have to potential to live a much better life as
I learn to manage it more effectively.
And it started with realizing I am not lazy, I am not tired,
I am not low-energy, these are symptoms of something else. And that something
else is what has been driving the misuse of my energy and leading to wasteful
patterns. So it isn’t about being more
disciplined or bringing more energy into the patterns that are slowly
destroying me, but in destroying those patterns.
I’ve written about some of my epiphanies along the way, and
I’ve made changes. Mostly I’ve stopped
doing or thinking or engaging. There’s
no point in action when I’m filling my life with things that suck energy –
until I solve the underlying issue and begin generating nourishing behaviors,
the only appropriate action is no action and the only appropriate thought is no
thought.
When enough things clear, then the course of action becomes
easy to see. Big changes can happen seemingly
at the flick of a wrist. The most
difficult part about creating real, lasting, beneficial change is clearing out
what isn’t serving and allowing my true desires to reveal themselves.
I’ve come to this realization, and this is a big a-ha that
flies in the face of almost all the “personal coaching” modalities out
there: It is far better to know that you
don’t know what you want than to think you so.
The man who knows and accepts that he does not know his path is far
closer to his goal than the man who actively dedicates himself to an illusory
path so he can say “I have a purpose.”
The first step to personal growth is not to “find your
purpose,” it’s to realize you have no idea what your purpose is and to find
peace in this. Far too much attention is
placed on this notion of a “man’s purpose in life.” Certainly a guiding purpose is essential to a
fulfilled life, but pretty much everyone is so clouded in their thinking
(myself included) that a man has no chance of finding that purpose in his
disoriented condition. First a man needs
to stop the spinning and let things settle.
Then he needs to find north. Then
he can look at the map and will likely find his path jumps out at him (and is
either far away from his current location or the very path he is on).
So a man who knows he has no idea what his path is can
easily learn to find peace, while a man who stubbornly insists on following his
purpose first will circle the globe several times and never come close to his
path (and likely delude himself into thinking his aimless circling is a
pathway, when he’s just wasting his time).
Most men don’t need a life coach. They need stillness. They need to stop what they’re doing, stop
looking around and start seeing clearly.
So I sat at home, found stillness and felt bored and
lonely. The personal coach will say,
well, you’re bored and lonely because you’re not doing anything and your
alone. So go do something and be around
people.
Then some time goes by and I’d be right back in this place,
just a little older and more tired.
Because this is where I was supposed to be and I wasn’t listening.
Clearly the “problem” isn’t what I’m doing, it’s what’s
driving my thoughts, which drive my actions.
I wasn’t “bored” or “lonely,” these aren’t even real concepts. They don’t exist, it’s all imaginary
bullshit. There’s no such thing as
boredom or loneliness, they’re constructs to create the illusion of
separation. A clear and honest
perspective shows, no, I wasn’t lonely.
There were, are, and always have been plenty of people in my life. Loneliness is about misperception, misdirection
and misapplication of energy. So when
I’d go out into the world holding this pattern, what happens? I’d attract other “lonely” people who confirm
my illusion.
It turns out, when you operate under the delusion of boredom
and loneliness, the whole world is full of bored, lonely people who reinforce
each others’ illusions of disconnection.
The solution isn’t action, it’s an attitude adjustment.
And the irony for me was that I had to go towards the
feeling. I had to let go of all the ways
I artificially stayed connected and go deeper into the source of illusion. I’m bored? Stop doing things. I’m lonely? Get off social media and stop
wasting time with fake friends. Embrace
it. Embrace it so much it becomes a friend instead of a problem.
Then you find peace.
Then you find stillness. And then
the path of action becomes clear and simple.
You walk toward the hologram until you can touch it and know it’s not
real. Then it goes away. Then you can make real choice.
Coaches won’t teach this because there is no glory in this
process. It’s “boring.” It doesn’t yield itself to “instant success
stories” and cool “before and after” pictures.
But then again, a real life coach would be focused on a person’s life
from the source, not the BS external stuff.
Nobody I’ve met is a true life coach (well, maybe a couple, but they go
by much different titles and would NEVER refer to themselves as being in that
category), and very, very few people need the services the purported “life
coaches” are selling.
And by “life coaches” I mean all of the variants –
evolutionary coach, spiritual coach, PUA coach.
It all falls under that “solving general fucked-up-ness” category.
Coaches and teachers are great – if you know what you want
and are looking to gain specific skills.
Focus on that one thing, learn it, master it, move on. Hiring experts is great for that. Living your life…? No. Actually a coach is counterproductive in this
situation. Even the most well-meaning of
coaches can’t help but inject a subtle (or not so subtle) agenda into the
process. He or she will have a certain
way they want to see the world become and expect you to fit into that. He or she will also be impatient for quick
results – coaches don’t play a long game. Quick, visible results are good for
the coach – but are they good for you? After
years of going down this path, I can say with certainty it wasn’t good for me.
Idealism and time constraints are the enemies of real
growth. Idealism is just a nice word for
“false expectations.” Many people have
these pie-in-the-sky opinions of how society and they should be, and they pursue
these “dreams” (fantasies) without ever questioning the basis for their
idealism. Inevitably, if they took the time to reflect instead of assuming
their opinions are truth because they are connected with strong emotions (as
are all limiting beliefs), they’d soon realize these “ideals” are nothing but
mind programming. You’re not saving the
world – you’re full of shit and being a pain in the ass for the rest of us in
the process.
Almost every coach I’ve met is an idealist at some level,
and none of them have gone through this internal reflection process. Inevitably, their students generally tend to
follow the same ideological path as their teacher (there’s that agenda kicking
in, as well as confirmation bias). The
fundamental issue here is pretty much everyone who has chosen “personal coach”
as a vocation (or hobby, since few make a living at it) is living out their unconscious
ideological fantasies (while many call themselves “conscious” as they do so,
because irony is fun).
The universe hasn’t asked all these people to coach. It’s a form of groupthink – and how is a
person who is hypnotized by group delusion going to help you let go of your
illusions and find your inner truth?
They won’t. They’ll tell you what
you want to hear – or they’ll tell you what they want to hear until you accept
it as your own opinion (or fire your coach).
Take away the expectations and time constraints and instead
focus attention on what is behind those expectations and time constraints. What’s driving this? Go into that.
Feel more of it. Get really
curious about who you really are, behind all that. Turn off the news and social
media. Go for a walk. Meditate.
Do something you enjoy just because you enjoy it, whatever it is. Find those access points to your deeper
self. You’re in there. It might feel like a tangled ball of thread,
or a hodgepodge, or a giant to-do list, but somewhere under all that is you.
You strip everything away and there is a core and in that
stillness with only your essential self, this is where you find your true
north. A coach isn’t any good until
you’ve done this much, and after you do that the huge majority of, if not all
of, the coaches will be irrelevant to you.
Most people just need awareness and a reset.
Most people are basically happy and suffer under the
delusion they’re unhappy. Even people I’ve known who had pretty awful
childhoods have been able to find peace and happiness later in life. The unhappiness comes from running away from
those things inside instead of facing them – face those demons and discover
they’re holograms and everything changes. A lot of pretty intense emotional
patterns can grow from pretty basic core illusions and many people who seem
“hopelessly damaged” are actually one step away from total health, if they’d
just turn around and face their shit.
There are some people who need more help, professional help,
not a coach. It’s a far smaller number
than those seeking such help. There are
a few who cannot be helped. These are
the exceptions.
I was wrong about coaching and I was wrong about
myself. There are certain things I’ve
learned and experienced through the benefit of coaches/ teachers which are
immensely valuable. But a coach can’t
teach life. A coach can’t teach
purpose. You can’t teach happiness. Coaches can’t help you find your core, clear
out illusion or make you appreciate your true worth.
Looking back I would reflect on my experience with
coaching overall with a great deal of
regret for the time and money wasted.
It’s not that I didn’t learn and grow, it’s that coaching at some level
is inherently disempowering for the student, and over time it actually retards
growth. For me, I feel coaching was a
distraction from actually facing my stuff and understanding my true self. The times when coaching has worked has been
when I was on my path and wanted specific things – alchemy (the most recent
work with Etienne) would be an example, as would my very earliest work with
Destin Gerek, which was issue-specific.
Looking back I knew who I was and coaching actually did more
to feed my underlying doubt than to go through it. There were times when I knew what I needed
was simply a different choice – in jobs, in partners, in where I lived, in
friends, in lifestyle. A few simple
things that make an immense difference in life.
I needed to just believe in myself and make the change. In a way I’ve spent my entire life growing
and evolving, I just needed to trust what my higher self already knew.
Coaching did not assist in this natural growth path, it was
an impediment. “Life coaching” actually
held me back. It directed my attention
to a process that was more feel-good distraction (which through time and
repetition became boring and annoying distraction) instead of really getting
right with who I am and what I really wanted to do.
A simple meditation practice, along with a few lifestyle changes,
was really all I needed to overcome my anxiety attacks and take the action my
heart desired. Instead I dragged out
this “evolution” process for years. Same
with all my other so-called “problems.”
The truth is, for the most part, I needed more than anything to simply
learn to accept who I am, what I like, and how I enjoy living my life. The
other stuff was not a good use of my time and money – there’s a reason why
those aspects became annoying over time.
Am I bitter? No. Am I ungrateful? That depends on your point of view. I feel I provided more than fair value for
what I received and wasn’t a pain in the ass student. I’ve expressed gratitude for the services
I’ve received and now I believe – no, maybe that isn’t the truth. I want to make people feel good and support
people, but maybe in my effort to be supportive and kind I haven’t really been
listening to myself. Especially with regards to coaching.
The thing is, I like these coaches as people. That’s the problem. I liked them so much I handed over my
precious time and money and really wanted them to succeed with coaching
me. The truth is, I still like them,
but I would have been better served not getting the coaching. I really like who I am and where I’m going in
life, but those years of wandering through the woods – didn’t help. To be honest, a couple good one-on-one PUA
classes about 15 years ago to smooth over my anxiety and rough edges, and maybe
one other specific course I could have and did find online, and I would have
found my way here much faster and with less painful and annoying side journeys.
I would have found what I needed and have more to show for it.
That doesn’t make me bitter or ungrateful. It makes me (finally) honest. I didn’t need a coach, just a little attitude
adjustment and some social skills. And
later, when I was ready, some energetic teaching.
I’m disappointed by what I see going on, especially in a lot
of my coaching/ evolution circles. Apart
from the boring repetition and buzzwords and complaining, the larger patterns
are actually kind of troubling. The
percentage of students who “discover” their life path is the same as their
coach is something like two thirds – a ridiculous percentage. The “conscious” community seems to have two
career paths – personal coach or artist. (Wait, four paths – I forgot “author”
and “gardener.”) These aren’t career paths, these are escapist hobbies.
And I’m as guilty as anyone of this. I love to fish and write books. But “fisherman” and “author” are not my
purposes here on this planet. I have a
good job that supports my family, and that family is a purpose. There’s a larger purpose that encompasses
this, but this is where my time, energy and spiritual energy is going. Writing
is a creative outlet. Fishing is a
hobby. Planting a garden is a nice hobby
for some people. Farming – real farming –
is a business that requires study, research, effort, capital (land, equipment,
labor) and return on investment. It’s a
full-time job that leaves little time for writing arrogant ebooks about how you
think men should fuck (as if anybody fucking cares about your opinion on this
subject) or spending two weeks in the desert being Chief Thundercock of the
Idiot Nation.
And fucking around without paying your bills is NOT a life
purpose. It’s escapism and it’s fucking
inconsiderate to the rest of the world that’s working its ass off so you can be
an arrogant, worthless dickhead living off the fat of Western economics,
telling everyone how awesome you are in bed and how terrible every other guy
is, while railing against the very capitalism that ALLOWS you to live your
party lifestyle while providing ZERO REAL VALUE to the world. Nobody in Venezuela is paying for your
bullshit “art” or “services,” you communist hypocrite moron.
And after hearing enough of THAT pattern of bullshit, and
getting more and more irritated with the collective patterns of stupidity and
self-destruction cloaked as “evolution,” I’ve had enough. It’s bullshit. All of it.
The whole community is bullshit, and so is the coaching. Stupid people behaving stupidly get on my
nerves very quickly, no matter how much I love them.
And I’m done. I’m
sorry I ever did it.
And it’s hard because, even though I’m obviously annoyed and
deeply regret the time and money wasted, I really do like these people. They probably won’t like me anymore, because
I’m goring their ox, but it’s true – I like these people. They have good hearts and souls, just badly underdeveloped
brains. And that’s probably why I
lingered longer than I should have – my core self had walked away years ago,
but my emotional attachment kept me lingering and getting more and more angry.
As Etienne said, I was stuck because I was holding onto
attachment to people who won’t follow.
My core self is miles away on a different path and the cord of
attachment just gets longer and more tense by the minute.
So… it has to be cut.
I can’t keep torturing myself because I’m fond of people.
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