From Saturday, July 9 -
These past couple days have been very difficult
energetically. I feel a very heavy, sad
energy. It feels a little bit like
ennui, loneliness, fatigue and depression all rolled into one heavy ball of
energetic shit.
It started yesterday and I haven’t been able to shake
it. I didn’t want to get up this
morning, and when I did I felt really cranky and irritable. I went to the temple and worked out at the
gym for a long time, and now I’m back in that funk.
I checked in with my archetype and he said this is my mind
trying to deal with the latest spiritual death, this is part of the energetic
transition. There are unresolved values
conflicts and things that need to be integrated and it just takes time.
I said it feels like I felt when I was really unhappy in my
last marriage, that same shit feeling.
He said it’s not much different, except I have awareness now this is a
feeling that will go away, instead of identifying with it or blaming it on my
environment. And now I have a more
loving and supportive wife to help me.
But it sucks.
Everything feels off. I feel
angry for no reason and I hate how this energy is affecting my mood and
interaction with the world. Meditation
doesn’t seem to be helping, I just feel more irritable. And it’s very thick, sticky energy that’s
taking a long time to move through my system – more acute anger will cycle
through very quickly, this seems to plan on sticking around for a long time.
I want to be alone but I sense being alone is contributing
to the problem.
Then July 10 – I felt an opening. I felt MUCH better, but still this
disconnect, like my life doesn’t feel “real.” And it’s because it isn’t. I haven’t aligned and integrated my life with
my core truth, so things still feel “off.”
I realize though it’s just going to take time. On the upside, I slept much better and my
mood is considerably better.
Now today – I’m finally starting to integrate the awakening
energy, and understand the internal conflicts going on inside me. My core truth is in conflict with some
deep-seeded emotional patterns, habits and personal beliefs. Now my truth is openly challenging these
patterns and habits, which is both confronting and exciting – real change is
happening and I can see it now, understand some of it logically.
Just today, things came up.
My core truth was speaking out against my patterns of how I look at
women, and my internal reactions. And it’s
cool, because my core truth is totally right.
But now, when the pattern comes up, there’s a thought that calls it out
and points out how silly this pattern is.
“Oh, look, a moderately attractive woman looked at me with a facial
expression. Quick, dump some chemicals
into my body and adjust my opinion of myself.”
Of course this inspires laughter (or at least amusement). It won’t take long for this anti-pattern to
dissolve the pattern and align me with my truth.
Another example – a reaction to Black Lives Matter blocking
the freeway. Before I’d launch into
us-versus-them reaction, but this time I was able to stand in my full truth –
full support of human life and calling out the bullshit of this George Soros
group blocking freeways, which is also supporting human life.
And then today – reading yet another arrogant jackass
article by someone who claims to be “awakened.”
My habit pattern was to say “fuck all of you” and just be done with my
work with Destin, but this is exactly what the negative forces want. So instead I actually found my foothold and
said - no, I’m staying right here where
I am, in my truth. And I’ll have nothing
to do with this kind of crap behavior from so-called “evolved” people. I don’t have to take it on, I don’t have to
engage any more than I feel is necessary, and I can operate in my truth apart
from their bullshit. Long-standing
values conflict – SOLVED!
I sense this transition period is going to be both very
challenging and very rewarding. Some
old, unhelpful habits are being directly challenged at a cellular level. It’s going to take some time for things to
reintegrate, but this is a VERY positive development. And the connection with my core truth is more
solid than ever!
My archetype was right, this is a process and parts of it
just take time.
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