Moving Through the Fire - Energetic Resistance and Growth

I’m really glad I vented here last night.  It’s important that I be very honest with how I am feeling in the moment, not with trying to fit into a narrative that I’m “evolving” with every day better than the one before.

Some days suck.  And that’s valuable.

And yes, there is value in the emotions of anger, frustration, sadness, stuck-ness.  All valuable.  There is even value in my not getting much sleep last night and feeling very off-center this morning.

Even more so because I experience these feelings without getting sucked into the story.  Instead of getting sidetracked into a false narrative about “why I feel such-and-such,” or going into judgment-shame over my feeling, I actually felt it. 

I called upon the archetypes to remove the stories, to remove the shame and judgment around what I’m feeling, so I could feel this energy fully.  I focused on what I’m actually feeling in my body, instead of assigning it a label.  And I noticed how it changed. 

And this additional awareness is a huge gift.  Well worth getting a crappy night’s sleep last night and feeling cranky this morning. 

The causes of my energy getting stuck has nothing to do with the energy being angry or painful, it’s mostly expectations and shame.  If I feel anger or fear and believe “I’m not supposed to feel this because I’m this evolved person,” then things get stuck and it’s very difficult to clear out as long as the emotions and expectations are in conflict.

Or I feel fear or anxiety, and shame around that feeling – judging myself a bad person for experiencing feelings instead of getting curious about the feelings. And the shame creates its own pain and habit cycle.

So last night and this morning, I focused on the feelings.  I let go of the story, the projections, the shame, the distractions.  And I felt.  It wasn’t comfortable, and I am really tired from not sleeping, but this is what I needed.  I needed to feel, really feel.  I needed to open up the space in my energy I’d been habitually clamping, suppressing, denying and judging. 

Because here’s the truth – nobody is making me feel bad.  Nobody is making me stressed, or angry, or ashamed, or anything.  It’s me doing it to myself, then trying to deny it by coming up with a story, someone else to blame.  But it’s me.  And it’s usually because I’ve denied myself the space to just feel.

And initially, stretching and opening this space feels uncomfortable.  It takes time and effort to develop a new habit. But it’s exactly what I needed.  Last night, I embraced my negative feelings.  And this morning, I felt.  And I asked the archetypes to help open the channels more, to replace the old habits of distraction, story and shame with new, empowering habits. 

And it feels really good. 

Now, in the midst of this “my energy is stuck, everything sucks” attitude, let me tell you what’s come up:

I’ve experienced a MASSIVE opening in my writing.  After over a year of doing absolutely nothing, I started writing my novel.  And after about the same amount of time doing nothing with Destin Gerek’s book, we have come up with a game plan to move forward and complete the book.

Yah, that’s a really big deal.  And I’m sure the major resistance that kept me from writing this long manifested itself in the energetic crap I’ve experienced over the past two days.  I’m operating in direct conflict to some pretty strong forces. 

So yah, just like I said, evolution isn’t all wonderful.  Sometimes it sucks.  It sucks because we have forces inside fighting against our progress.  But taking the time to work through them while moving forward it the pathway to a whole new life and one’s true path.  So yah, kind of a really big deal.  And apart from being exhausted and still feeling tense, I’m grateful for the challenge.