Men's Improvement: The Addiction of "Wanting to Be The Best In Bed."

I thought about not posting this.  I was afraid of the negative response I’d receive – from people I know, from the usual neener critics in my life.  But I have something to say. It may be edgy and controversial, it may elicit some drama from critics and people whose sacred oxes I gore.  But upon reflection, I feel that’s all the more reason to say what’s on my mind.  Having this space and constraining myself because the response might be inconvenient defeats the purpose of being here in the first place. I’m not here just to create controversy, but if something controversial or edgy needs to be said, I need to say it.  So have at it, critics…

There’s nothing wrong with mediocre sex.  The problem is being a mediocre person and staying in mediocre relationships.

I realize what I just said there is blasphemy in the SexTantaWeirdo communities, but it’s the absolute truth, so let me repeat.  There is NOTHING WRONG with mediocre sex.  In fact, in the overall scheme of things it’s a GOOD THING.

Let me explain.  The huge majority of connections you’re going to have in your life are going to be “average.”  The reality is human nature really does follow a bell curve, and most interactions are going to fall into that huge “middle of the curve” bell.  And that includes sexual connections.  Most people are not an amazing connection, just average. 

Now your average might look different than other people’s, but there’s still an average.  You’ll have some encounters that are amazing; you’ll have some that are just not good; and you’ll have some that are fun but basically… okay.  And that’s actually a good thing.  Every encounter shouldn’t be off the charts, that’s actually kind of a messed up goal and will take you to messed up places.

The SexTantraWeirdos are, well, after careful observation I’d say really fucked up, egocentric and psychologically disturbed dudes.  They’re, as far as I can see, mostly losers in life who have attached this ridiculous significance to “being the best sex she’s ever had to every woman I meet.”  And what do they have to show for it?  An oversized ego obsessed with sex, massive insecurity that oozes out everywhere, no money or in debt, and an abundance of fucked up drama relationships.

Like, UNBELEIVABLY. FUCKED. UP. Relationships.  The kind that make “mediocre” look awesome by comparison.

So they’ve constructed lives where they’re good in bed and shitty at life.  This is NOT a healthy lifestyle.

Also, and this is the really odd counterintuitive, many of these guys really suck at meeting new women and interacting like normal human beings. You’d think men who were gods in bed and put so much attention on this area would actually be pretty good at meeting new women, but a lot of them really suck at it.   Or they’ve created weird Tantra-quasi-prostitution circles.  It’s pretty fucked up.

Look, here’s the thing.  If you’re an insecure guy whose life has pretty much sucked as long as he’s been alive, then cultivating the ability to make women feel AMAZINGLY good in bed is going to sound like the magic ticket out of Loserville.  And it does feel really good, from an ego standpoint.  Maybe too good.

But in the long run it’s foolish and destructive.  Obsessing over this aspect of life will not get you out of Loserville.  The best you’ll get is a 30-year mortgage on a penthouse suite in a nicer area of Loserville.  Maybe you can aspire to being Mayor someday.  You’ll have pretty high status among the residents or Loserville.  But at the end of the day, there’s going to be a moment of reflection when you have to acknowledge your life is a fucking joke.  And at that point, you might not be able to get yourself out.

Being a really good lover is awesome.  Maxing out that skillset on every single woman you meet – not smart.  Making it your goal in life to be the *absolute best lover* for every woman you ever meet – really dumb.

Think of it this way.  You learn a martial art.  You get really good and now you have this great skill.  Hopefully you integrate that skill to create a fuller life with more strength and confidence.  Because if your goal was to use your power to kick the ass of everyone who ever did or does you wrong, or running around trying to prove you are the most alpha fighter in the world (and we know people like this, right?), your life is going to suck, perhaps permanently so.

Most people kind of intuitively know obsessing over one thing in life is not healthy, but the temptation to obsess over sexual performance for men is a powerful drug.  You get that “high” from doing that, and it’s hard to maintain a balanced perspective.  Especially if you’re a man who hasn’t had any taste of success in other areas of life.  Men need to feel they’re good at something, and feeling he’s good at making women feel good… feels really good for a man.  And if he hasn’t had experiences of feeling good about himself up to that point, it’ll be addictive.

I’ve noticed the men who fell into that obsession earned a reputation for “being good,” and were surrounded by some of the shittiest relationships and psycho women I’ve ever seen in my life.  They’re so obsessed with not being normal that they have no idea what a normal, healthy relationship looks like.  (They’re actually quite nice, really.)

I realize this runs counter to men’s ego, but it’s better to dial back a little at first and gauge her energy.  See if you and she are compatible first.  In most cases, you won’t be that compatible – it’ll be kind of “meh” – so why would you want to try to make her obsessed with you?  There can only be two reasons – one, you’re so insecure you need validation from everyone, even people you don’t like that much or two, you’re so insecure about finding another sex partner you have to invest all your energy into making *this* one *the best* even if deep down she isn’t really what you want, because deep down you fear it could be the last sexual relationship you’ll ever have.

In either case THAT’S REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP. 

If you and she are an “average” connection, then mediocre sex is fine.  Really. You two have fun for a while and then move on without much hard feelings.  She should be allowed to forget about you and you should have enough maturity and confidence in yourself to let her forget, if she’s not someone you want to remember.  And you should also have enough maturity and confidence to NOT SETTLE out of fear or low self-esteem.

Being able to dial it back, be cool, and let her go is a sign of confidence and maturity.  And in the long run it’ll actually make you a better lover.  In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best move a guy can learn if he want to be really good in bed is learning when it’s not working well and letting women go with grace.  Moving on is a very important and largely underdeveloped skillset.  Obsessing over “being the best” will get you typecast as, well, that weirdo who is obsessed about being the best in bed.  It reeks of insecurity and it’ll severely limit your life in a lot of ways.

Plus, it feels a lot more natural to offer something really special when the connection is really special.  Things work a lot better, and you have a strong attachment with someone you actually enjoy being with, instead of one of these psycho one-sided attachments.

Let me put a finer point on this – INTENTIONALLY trying to be the BEST.LOVER. EVER.  with women you don’t feel the same way about – it’s selfish and abusive.  It’s not “giving,” it’s taking.  It’s YOU putting your EGO ahead of someone else’s feelings.  It’s manipulative and deceitful.  It’s fucking uncool.  And if you’re the guy who constructs his life to be that guy who NEEDS to be HER BEST, no matter what, it’s going to come out.  And guess what?  You’ll be surrounded by women who are the same – they just want to use you for their own benefit.  (Or women you’ve turned into psycho stalkers out of your abusive ego needs – congratulations, asshole.)

And some guys will say – SWEET! Yah, immature, selfish, short-sighted boys will say that.  And guys stuck in Loserville who never grow up and never make anything out of their lives.

If you’re a man who wants to get better at sex, you might initially look up to those men who are “every woman’s best,” but eventually you’ll reach a level in your life where you’ll see those “men” for the pathetic men-children they are.  They’re not strong men worthy of respect, and at some point you’ll realize you have a lot more going for you than they do and kick yourself for ever looking up to these guys. 

Now look, for a lot of men (most men) “mediocre sex” is all they know.  And that’s not okay.  You want to get good at this and step up in life.  It’s part of being a quality man.  PART OF, not ALL OF.

What I’m saying here is, yes, learn the skills.  It’s good for you.  But be aware of the ego trap.  

Addictions come in many forms, and this one can be particularly difficult to overcome.  A good sex life is an important part of a good life, but it is only part.  It is not the foundation, and it is certainly not the main or only aspect of a good life.  Notice where the ego wants to draw you into obsession and imbalance, or where you’re using one aspect of life to compensate for deficiencies in other aspects.  Balance and perspective are essential to living a good, happy life. 

"Useful Idiots" vs Spiritual Truth and Real Leadership

I’m curious about the mentality of the “useful idiot.”  Useful Idiots are people who allow themselves to be used for manipulative (usually propaganda) purposes, and seem largely unaware that they are in fact being used as such.

The Useful Idiot comes in a few forms, but the purpose is largely the same – to unwittingly promote the message of the Cabal or dark forces and to spread darkness and confusion. 

My Facebook feed has a surprisingly large number of these Useful Idiots.  Lately I’ve been seeing a number of them pop up to promote the Iranian regime.  In the case of Iran, they have a similar message – that’s it’s safe to travel in Iran.  In typical Useful Idiot fashion, they think they’ve discovered some new information and go about showing – hey, if I can travel safely in Iran, then the country’s regime must be okay.

The US Olympic team was able to travel safely through Nazi Germany in 1936 – they got to tour the country and they reported having a good time in Berlin.  They traveled safely through Germany, so that means all the hubbub about Hitler being evil was just evil US propaganda, right?

See the obvious disconnect there?  It’s one thing to travel through a country as a tourist, and an entirely different matter how that country treats its own citizens and the rest of the world. 

The issue with Iran, for example, (for the sake of my Useful Idiot friends) has nothing to do with tourists’ ability to travel through the country and spend money. You can do that in pretty much any country, with very few exceptions.  But that doesn’t change the fact that the regime is officially engaged in Satan worship, or that the regime has armies throughout the Middle East killing people and causing trouble. Or that the regime funds and trains terrorists and operates terrorist operations from inside the Iranian government. 

None of those very big, obvious problems have anything whatsoever to do with your ability to be a tourist in Iran.  So why are you posting crap on Facebook about how awesome it is you were able to do obvious tourist things in that particular country? Because you’re a Useful Idiot, trying to distort the truth. 

The energetic evil of the Iranian regime is an indisputable fact.  You traveled there and didn’t die.  That’s nice.  Then you came back here and think you’re making the world a better place by, what, promoting Iranian tourism?  What in your mind do you imagine you are accomplishing – I mean apart from sharing yet another boring tourism story?  Because it’s obvious to anyone watching with a clear mind that you’re engaging in a really pathetic form of PR for the Iranian government – and probably knowingly so.  I guess in your muddled brain this is bringing the world closer to peace. If you can’t beat Satan, join him.

But enough picking on the Iran fanboys, this isn’t about Iran.  It’s about trying to understand the mentality of the Useful Idiot, why people allow themselves to basically be possessed by dark entities.

Because I also have Useful Idiot friends who promote fake Shamanism (which is pretty much all of it – 99% of that “Native American Spiritualism” is dark magick or just plain nonsense), BS spirituality, dark magick, corrupted Tantra, toxic Feminism and a host of other things where they’re obviously being used by dark forces to promote confusion and steer people off the path.  And there’s not much difference between the idiot tourist who allows himself to be a mouthpiece for the Iranian regime and the idiot “seeker” who allows dark forces to use him to manipulate others.

Nobody can use you as a puppet unless you hand them the strings.

That’s how it works.  To become a Useful Idiot you have to willingly give your strings to someone else.  After that, it can be very difficult to take back those strings, but the initial transaction is entirely your choosing.  And these idiots gave away their strings for NOTHING. They were more than happy to do it.

Why?  Why do people do that?

And there are a lot of reasons.  Years of mind programming, energetic wounds, festering trauma that never gets resolved, dogma, lack of self worth, lack of spiritual grounding – these can all lead one to voluntarily accept possession.  A few might be seeking power they think the Cabal or Satanic forces can give them (those people are usually destroyed, not kept as Useful Idiots).

The “spiritual community” tends to have a lot of wounded people who are spiritually ungrounded – that’s why they’re in the community, “seeking.”  Sex addicts are acting out their own wounds and it’s an easy access point for dark forces.  The PUA community and its many offshoots is ripe with Useful Idiots and Useful Idiots In Waiting, because of the festering wounds, greed for power and sexual issues (a very dangerous combination), not to mention an openness to dark magick and spiritual fraud.

The people who are attracted to my message tend to be people who got pretty deep into the Spiritual Movement, only to realize it was a fraud.  They go through the same process I went through, come out the other side, and then they realize they were being Useful Idiot.  I was one too.  They escape, or something feels “off” to them, and they end up here, ready to build something instead of following other idiots.

The problem is, that’s a low-percentage game.  Most people who get stuck in the muck of “Spirituality” as it is commonly found today, they don’t get out.  They become part of the problem. And it’s very hard to take back your strings once you’ve given them away to someone else.

The better answer is to stop yourself BEFORE that point.  And we on the vanguard need to be leaders, guiding people away from the hazards, pointing out these things and guiding the multitude away from the problems, instead of trying to “un-stick” people caught up in the web – which takes a lot of time and effort and is a low-percentage game.

So how do we go about saving others from Useful Idiocy, from giving up their strings and becoming puppets?

First, we need to stand up and promote the vision of spirituality we embody.  We don’t follow, we don’t seek.  We lead.  In our world there are no “gurus” and we don’t quote their garbage like its Gospel.  We connect ourselves to Source, we don’t go through a chain of command or look to someone else to make the connection for us.

We don’t look at someone whose connected to Source and say “wow, he’s so awesome!  I think I’ll worship him and give him my power!”  No.  If there are things we can learn, we learn those things, but our focus is on our connection and our own service, not “being like that guy.” 

Fuck Osho.  That dude was a fucking CULT LEADER and his entire purpose was to accumulate power for himself.  His writings were bullshit scribblings to get people hypnotized to give their power to him.  If you’re attracted to that, you’re attracted to FOLLOWING, and that’s your own weakness and wounds manifesting.  Osho won’t help you.  Drop that shit and find the truth, which won’t be found following someone or something.

We need to lead by first taking an unwavering stand for truth.  Truth comes from Source, and is found in our higher selves.  Learn muscle testing and dousing, if called to using pendulums.  Use them to learn the truth, not to reinforce dogmas and give away your power. 

We need to lead by standing in our power, even if we doubt we have any.  Connection to Source is infinite power, more than you’d ever need here on Earth.  Everything else is just a side show, so focus on the main event – truth.  Source. 

You have wounds.  We all do.  But focusing on one’s wounds will never heal. Learn to clear your emotional shit.  (www.clearyourshit.com) Learn to clear your energetic shit.  (Several resources, including myself.)  The more you focus on the big things, the less overwhelming your wounds, setbacks, disappointments, fears, etc. will feel and the more power you will have. 

What I’m saying is if we want to steer the multitudes away from becoming Useful Idiots, we need to be shining examples ourselves, shining as brightly as we can.  And you cannot shine in someone else’s shadow, you need to stand in your own space, directly facing Source, no go-between.

Guide others away from “gurus” and spiritual entanglements and avoid the temptation to become a guru yourself.  Keep your energy clean.  You can help clean and heal others, and should do so as best you can (even if you doubt your ability to do so), but you stand in your own space and light and insist everyone else do the same.  You don’t attach and you don’t let others attach to you.

Here’s the thing – Cabals like Iran and the Spiritual mess are actually really weak compared to source consciousness.  If you’re connected to Source Consciousness, and shining even a little of that light, you’re far more powerful than any of these other forces.  You can destroy them.  And you can be a beacon to many to avoid the path of the Useful Idiot. 

And one more thing I’ll add here.  If you’re connected to Source Consciousness and shining your light, you owe it to the world to point out the spiritual failings going on, as I’m doing here.  Not to repeat my critiques, but to shine your own light into the darkness and call out what you see. 

The forces of darkness are a cancer on the world, and Source Consciousness shining on them is the cure.  And we all need to do this.  Test things.  That feeling that something is wrong, something annoys you – test it.  Spirituality tries to tell us that our wounds being projected or triggered.  Don’t buy that bullshit.  If you’re standing in your truth, and something bothers you, and you test and it’s accurate, you’ve found the cancer.  Don’t let the spiritual bullshit salesmen convince you the problem is you, it’s not.  Call out what you see.  Call it out loudly and shine your light so brightly the forces of darkness cannot slither away.  That will inspire others to join us and things will turn around very quickly.

Accuracy test: 99.2%

My One-Word Answer To "How To Have A Successful Life?"

What’s the most important mindset shift to living a truly powerful life?

It’s adopting a mindset of GIVING.

Instead of thinking “How can I make myself better?” or “How can I get more of what I want from this situation?” throw all that away and ask “How can I provide the most benefit and value?”

See that?  It’s not a little thing, it’s EVERYTHING.

When you stop thinking about what you can get and place your attention on what you can add to the world around you (and how to maximize this), you’ve shifted from a scarcity mindset to abundance.  And you’ve taken all the pressure off your shoulders, because you’re giving.

Look, I’m not the only one talking about this, it isn’t just some “spiritual teacher” talking about how to be a servant to the world, many, many VERY successful people have adopted this mindset – and credit this mindset with their success.

Brent Smith, one of the most successful dating and personal empowerment coaches around, preaches this.  So does Rion Kati, another very-high-level evolutionary coach.  And it’s foundational in Destin Gerek’s work – and they don’t call him the “Erotic Rockstar” for nothing.  Why?  Because they figured out that focusing on “getting laid” (or “getting rich,” or whatever it is you want) actually creates a barrier between you and your desire.  In the case of dating, it sets things up energetically where you’re taking something from someone.  Same in business.

And first of all, that’s not true.  The first thing to understand is you have high value.  You are valuable and what you have to give to the world is a gift. 

Do you think women come away from experiences with a guy like Destin thinking “he owes me for the sex I gave him”?  NO!  If anything, she’s thinking just the opposite – what does she have to do to please him so he’ll spend more time with her.  Do the millions of people who wait in line for the latest iPhone think “Apple owes me for giving them my business?”  No, they’re hoping they get the chance to be the first to GIVE Apple their business, because they value the product more than their time and money.  (I personally think that’s a little crazy, but they’re happy.)

And it’s because they’re inherently valuable – they’re giving far more to the other person than they’re receiving.  Destin is committed to leaving his partners better off than before; Apple is committed to maximizing the value for its customers.  And as a result of their focus on GIVING, they’ve become abundant in their respective areas.

And guess what?  YOU have high value too.  If you don’t believe that, work with me and I’ll help you find that gold mine inside you.  You have high value – the world is CRAVING the value you bring.  So the only question left in your mind is – how do you bring as much of that value out to as many people as possible?  How do you maximize the value you give to the world? 

And by doing that, you will receive far more than you could ever wish for.  Because the universe HAS to give you those resources so you can add more value. 

You see how that works?  The Law of Attraction was never about passively sitting around waiting for the universe to send you a welfare check for sitting on your ass and wishing on a star.  It’s about expanding the energy of an ever-expanding universe.  The universe has infinite resources for you to use to deliver infinite value.  And the universe wants to have that energy go through you – because YOU have the ability to transform that energy into something amazing that the universe simply cannot do without you.

Let what I just said sink in a little.  You are THAT valuable to the universe.  So why don't you see that?

I’m sitting here looking at some crystals.  They’re all a little different, even the ones that are the same type.  Each one has a different frequency and energy pitch.  When I utilize each one, the experience is different.  So even each crystal is valuable. 

And they’re fucking rocks.  You’re far more gifted, unique and valuable to the universe than all the rocks put together.  But maybe you’re looking around – six billion people on this planet, what’s so special about me?  Stop thinking like that.  The universe is infinite.  Six billion divided by INFINITE rounds out to ZERO.  So you might look around and think you’re not that important, but you’re VERY important.

And again, this isn’t some “fake self-esteem” pep talk where everyone gets a trophy.  I hate that bullshit.  You’re not important because you got a trophy like the rest of your lousy team for sucking at some sport nobody cares about. (Yah, we both know that's true.) That doesn’t make you valuable.

What makes you valuable is… well, that may still be your journey to discover.

So try on the mindset of giving  - how bright you can shine your light.  Because the world wants to bask in your glory.

Oh, and in case there was any question, I’m not talking about that wimpy-guy “giving to get” bullshit.  That’s not giving, that’s… it’s chickenshit.  Yah, I used to do it too – back when I didn’t think I was really worth anything.  “Here, I’ll do all these nice things for you that I hate doing so you’ll honor my right to exist on this planet and maybe give me a paycheck/ sex/ respect/ friendship.”  That’s not giving.  Giving is “I have something special to share, here it is, world – enjoy,” and not giving a rat’s ass what any particular person thinks of you or your gift, just knowing you and your gifts are valuable and there are people who are better off.  And ignoring the haters – maybe even give them some sympathy, because you know it must be a really difficult life always being negative and trying to take other people down all the time.

So my one-word answer for a successful life:  Give.