My Kundalini Training Experience: I Detest Dogma

 These past few weeks I've been "kissing frogs" as far as exploring various modalities for growth and personal change.  I came across a Kundalini app that looked interesting.  It had a one week trial period, so what the heck?

I started getting into it - reading the manual and going through the training videos.  It started nice and then began devolving into dogma.  "If you're not sitting this ridiculous and uncomfortable way, you'll get no benefit."  "If you don't chant these stupid mantras you'll get no benefit." "If you don't hold these particular mudras you'll get no benefit."

Well, you get the idea.  Despite their insistence, I did get some benefit without adhering to some of their more nonsensical teachings.  But after a week of the app, I decided they can take a deep breath, hold it for eight seconds and blow it out their ass.

I love trying different things but I fucking hate dogma.

And I can tell you, whether it's Tai Chi or Kundalini meditation or any number of things, "doing something" does have an effect.  And I've had great Kundalini experiences, even though I can't sit cross-legged on the floor comfortably for any length of time.  

Don't let dogmatic people keep you from trying new things.  Do it anyway, do it your way.  Just fucking do it.

Empty House Vision Revisited

I was thinking again about that "empty house" vision I posted about in 2019.  Thinking about all the changes that happened in my life between then and now, and how that vision, and my relationship to it, has changed.

And as I thought about it, I also thought about Bob Dylan.  Because he is one of my favorite musicians.  He was very influential when I was in high school, inspiring me to write poetry and try my hand at writing novels.  Recently I rediscovered my love for his music and the impact of "Highway 61 Revisited," which brings me back to here.  

This is my house.  The backside.  In a once-in-a-lifetime snowstorm.  It's often unoccupied.  The rest of the time it's just me.  And it's not empty.

 

This was my house in Thailand.  Put every penny I had into it at the time, and then some.  It's now always occupied and not mine anymore.

A house has been a critical part of my evolution pretty much since I got out of college.  Bought a house right away with my first wife and after the divorce I made sure she could keep it so our son would have a stable place to grow up.  It served its purpose - he's grown up to be a great young man and a father of his own.  That house was always a piece of crap - old, busted, terrible area - but I loved owning a home and making it a home and missed it when I left.  

For years I tried to find myself in various ways, and had some successes and setbacks.  I found a spiritual home in Thailand as I was evolving in my spiritual journey.  I ended up paying to have a house built in an area my wife wanted (which I wouldn't have built there if I knew then what I know now).  It's a nice house - simple but beautiful, a really good house.  The only problem is, while Thailand might be my spiritual home, I realized at some point I would never live there.  Her family ended up moving in and retiring there and it's worked out well for them.  So what I thought was my spiritual and "forever" home was a (VERY expensive) stepping stone for me and a home for a really nice family that's had to suffer a lot through their lives and deserves happiness in their later years.  

It was around that time when I wrote about the "empty house" vision.  You see, while I'd been creating homes for others, this was a period in my life when, once again, I had no home.  I knew California certainly wasn't my home and had grown to resent it.  Thailand wasn't my home.  And as much as I tried to "have a home" in each area, the universe drew me in another direction.

Sometimes the interpretation is too obvious to consider.  I really needed a home.  A man needs a house of his own.  And I'd being giving away, well, pieces of myself, to others.  Acts of love but also acts of neglect toward myself. They were fulfilled, I was empty.

I started exploring Florida in 2021-22 and at the end of 22 bought a house in Pensacola, Florida.  My plan was to use this as a toehold in Florida, rent it out and figure out later what to do with the equity when the time was right.

And in this case, the universe again pushed me in a different direction, first by hooking me into the Florida lifestyle and then by "blessing" me with shitty, unreliable tenants who completely trashed the beautiful little house and then left without paying their rent.

So, out of love for the house, the area and lifestyle and frustration with being a landlord, I decided to take the house back to live in, even if only a little bit.  I took the house back for me.  

And that decision turned out to be magical. 

The first thing I did when starting to furnish the place was to create a meditative/spiritual space.  But I've grown to discover that every aspect of the house, and my experiences there, has had a huge spiritual impact on me.

Yes, I've been going there alone, for the most part.  Sometimes I'd bring my son and we'd share vacation time.  The rest of the time it's just me.  But I had a home now.  And it feels like home.  It's cathartic, it's grounding, it's inspirational and fulfilling.  Filling.  Yes, that "empty house" is being filled, with every jet-lagged trip, with more and more experiences, energy and revelations.  And furniture and art and stuff.

It's like the soil where I can take root and grow.  And I didn't even really know how much I needed this.  Some people love a nomadic life.  I need a castle.  Even if that castle is a three-bedroom house in Pensacola.  Maybe especially so. And I've made it into my castle.

And much like the king, I don't spend much time in it.  But it's there.  And because it's there and I do return, I'm starting to find myself growing into the kind of man who can command a castle.  I'm challenging myself to grow and deepen.  I'm rediscovering practices I'd put aside that now "stick," perhaps because the practices are no longer theoretical, they're tangible.

When I wrote about the "empty house," I asked myself how can I create something out of emptiness?  The answer is so simple, you bring an intention into that emptiness.  You speak the word and the universe begins creating that thing, sometimes at cross purposes with your "plans."

I literally created three homes out of nothing - NOTHING.  I was basically broke when we bought the first house, and it saw a life come into this world, grow up, and create life of his own.  I created a house in Thailand out of nothing - again I was broke.  I created this house in Pensacola basically out of an intention to live in Florida.  And then the intention materialized when I thought I "wasn't ready."

And I still lie awake in bed (not so much these days, but up until early 2025), worrying about how I'm going to make this work, that I'm going broke on this "pipe dream," paying rent and a mortgage, flying out all the time.  And yet, somehow, it's not just working - I'm flourishing.  All those lessons I tried to learn that felt so hard years ago, that I "gave up," are coming online, almost like they were always there and I just needed to be in a place to accept them.  

Suddenly I wake up and realize, I'm not just fishing and escaping reality.  I'm fucking BUILDING a reality, for the first time in YEARS I have a reality.  Maybe a fishing rod is my magic wand and I just couldn't accept that something I truly enjoy for myself could actually be the foundation of my evolutionary work.  That limiting belief that "fishing is just a hobby" or "fishing is an escape" or "fishing isn't sexy" is just, well, someone else's bullshit and not mine.  

Fishing is an integral part of me.  Even filleting fish is a spiritual practice for me - I used to say meditative, but it's even more primal than that.  It's a connection to the source and cycle of life, where my soul's essence connects with the earth's life essence.  I connect with the sun, I connect with the wind, I connect with the water, I connect with life, and my soul connects with it all.  

That is powerful, sexy shit.  

I always wondered why some women would look at me "that way" when I'm sunburnt, hands covered in fish and bait slime, dirty, tired, hauling my kayak or surf cart back to the car, or why my wife likes that I fish.  Maybe they're sensing that deeper energy running through me, that I hadn't even been aware is there.

When I was a kid, I remember my dad saying how much he loved watching me fish or coming back from a day fishing.  He said that's when I was my real self.  I think... yeah.  That's right.

And so, my life is filling up.  My "house," and actual house, is filling up.  And the emptiness is gone.  And I'm consciously figuring out how to create "something out of nothing."  And I've been doing it pretty much my whole life.

Encountering Resistance

 

I've been undergoing some pretty cool lifestyle changes, and I knew going in it was going to be difficult to maintain the energy for three weeks - which is how long it takes to create a new habit.  Some aspects - the Kundalini guided meditation, the orgasmic meditation, some of the changes in listening tracks - have been smooth.

Others - the changes in physical exercise, even the beat music - I'm encountering some strong resistance now.  I dumped the Kundalini app, which felt like far too much work and not aligned with where I'm at right now.

I'm also experiencing far too much "money bleed," which is one of the aspects of resistance, it often shows up not just as physical and emotional issues but financial as well.  

Resistance is to be expected.  There's nothing shameful about encountering resistance.  There's nothing wrong with acknowledging it and appreciating it for what it is.  This is a key aspect to truly working through the resistance.

When my body says it is fatigued, I have to listen.  I can't just plow through stubbornly, that's how injuries and illness happen.  It doesn't mean I need to give it, but I need to honor the warning signs and separate the resistance showing up as fatigue from my body's genuine need for rest. One must be worked through, the other honored fully.

That doesn't mean I stopped doing pushups.  I adjusted to account for gym days while keeping on track.  

The resistance to the beat tracks is interesting. I enjoy listening to them, but I find myself switching out to other things like meditation tracks - which is fine, still taking a break from the unconscious "familiar" music.  I also notice I miss the old "liked" playlist. Which is totally understandable - they're liked for a reason.  So this is more about gently redirecting back to my goals while honoring my preferences, and avoiding too much of one thing. (And avoiding other things, like TV and social media.)

The spending patterns and "bad financial luck" is an interesting one.  My unconscious patterns show up in my spending and consumption habits.  And here a much more conscious approach is called for.  Mindless austerity is as bad as mindless spending, because it still avoids the conscious awareness aspect.  What am I buying?  Is is something I need or serves my purpose, or is it a "shiny object" or a thoughtless purchase that's likely to feel like a ripoff down the road?  

My relationship with money and spending is a manifestation of some of the unhelpful patterns that show up in my communication, following through on tasks and other issues that I resist confronting head-on.  I avoid the conscious examination process and fall into unhelpful emotional habits.  For example, I wanted to kick the Bob I have in the back porch.  I couldn't find the sparring socks, so I ordered another pair.  Not a huge purchase, but unnecessary.  A more thorough search revealed the missing socks.  

Supplements is another area I waste on.  I focus on what they're supposed to do, not how they're actually benefitting me - or not.  Do I need this?  Is it serving me or am I just wasting money on crap because I want it to work?  I can think of a few things that really aren't serving me and need to wean myself off of unconscious consumption "for my well-being."  It's wish-casting, which is a common unconscious pattern of mine - I don't want to fully examine the issue so I imagine this pill, or this app, or this trick, will take care of the problem.  

Then there are subscriptions, "surprise fines," investment losses and associated "junk" that adds up and is a drain not only on my finances but on my overall energy and mood.  And I don't believe they're "accidental" or just "things that happen in life."  They're unconscious patterns manifesting over and over.  

And I'd say of all the resistance and leakages I currently experience, the financial resistance and leakages are currently the most pronounced and most oppressive.  There's also the most room for conscious examination and improvement.  

I've got two weeks (a little less) left of this phase of transformation.  And I don't have to be perfect at sustaining everything, overall I'm doing well.  But I really intend to use these next two weeks to better examine the aspects that have me "falling off the wagon."  Stress with work and home, anxiety about changes I want in my life, physical fatigue, mental fatigue, "boredom," unconscious patterns that could be a form of hypnosis I just need to break.  

And also, what patterns are changing?  Clearly, the fact I'm speaking to the resistance and examining it consciously instead of taking it personally or just writing it off as magical "backsliding" is something new and positive.  So is the overall energy, not to mention I look and feel better physically.  

Taking concrete action instead of wishful or magical thinking, that's a big distinction.  

Sure Beats Letting the World Make Me Angry

 

Changing up my routine this week has been NICE! Let’s see how long I can keep this vibe going. 

Sexy Beats Musings

 

It’s noonish on a Saturday and I’m chilling on the couch listening to some sexy beats music I found on some of Destin Gerek’s Spotify playlists.  It’s a yummy vibe, vibrating in my chest and solar plexus.  Using deep, slow, measured breathing.  How long has it been since I really connected with my breathing?  Or my body?  Or presence?  Or felt the desire to just sit and be and write whatever thoughts and feelings come up?

Years.  It feels like years.

Years of having to focus on doing things for others – for my kids growing up, for my wife adjusting to living in a new country, for my financial security.  And recovery.

My adventurous heart still beats.  I bought a house in Pensacola, Florida and for the past year and a half I’ve been living a Jimmy Buffett escape lifestyle for a week to ten days every month.  It’s been expensive, taken a lot of time and energy, and life-changing, soul-opening. 

And it’s led to other things.  What else new and “out there” can I try, for me?  And what else?  Who is this guy who has been under wraps for so long, doing what needs to be done, taking care of things and living a confined life?

I rediscovered my love for fishing during the pandemic.  Then I massively expanded that love into a new adventure in Florida, living my best fishing/beach life ever.  I got to third degree black belt Taekwondo and then thought “what am I doing this for?” and took a huge step back.  Doing things just to do them or “because it’s good for me” doesn’t fit anymore.  Something’s changed in me and the routine doesn’t work.  Doing nothing feels better.

Doing nothing ain’t bad if you do it right.  Bring a little intention into it and that nothing becomes something.  Bring a little more of myself into that conscious nothing and suddenly I have a cool, chill lifestyle. 

And that brings me here.  Sitting on the couch, listening to some cool, sexy beats and just writing whatever shit comes out.  I’m not bored, just chill.  Not thinking about other things or what I should be doing, just chilling and letting it out, not thinking about what it means or trying to make it into something.

In fact I’m going deep into the not giving a shit about any of that.  Fuck trying to build anything or so something meaningful, I’m just sitting here chilling and writing about nothing and loving it.  I’m done complaining about California like I have no control over the situation.  I made my decision, the rest of the world can do whatever the fuck it wants, I don’t have to give a shit.  And right now, for once, I don’t, and it feels awesome.

I want to go deeper into this chill “not giving a shit,” let go of the angry, reactive anti-energy and just let go of giving a shit about anything, for me.  Let all that bullshit crumble and fall into the sea.  And we’ll see where this goes.

I feel a spiritual connection and a desire to further my practice, but embodied and natural, not the forced, formulaic shit.

Why is it I’m so much more deeply expressive on this blog, but the other one is mostly a picture blog?  It’s not bad, it’s just not a place where I express much in writing.  Do I still need this duality of expression?  Does that serve me?

Maybe I unconsciously feel like the “fish stories” are beneath the level of expression here?  But the Pensacola house experience and the “fish stories” have been life-altering and a spiritual awakening.  Maybe I need to stop being small in my expression and bring it all back home here, that the little Wordpress blog with little audience no longer really serves me?

I want to get really funky.  There are things out there that I was either afraid to try or which didn’t feel like me and now I see and feel myself enjoying that reality.  I want to get “out there,” get a little lost and maybe find a new home, find more of myself.