Thank You, 2016!

This “going inward” has been difficult but incredibly rewarding. 

This week’s lesson has been embracing gratitude and forgiveness. 

Gratitude.  Man, how long have I been preaching that word and never really putting it to work for myself?  But yes, gratitude.  Gratitude and forgiveness, these are the tools to eliminate stress and find happiness. 

Forgiveness allows our minds to stop wandering back.  We forgive others for the wrongs they’ve done.  We forgive ourselves for things that leave us feeling guilty or ashamed.  Then we can focus on the present.  Until our minds drag us into the future, because things are never good enough in the here and now.

Then at some point I decide, fuck it.  I’m going to enjoy my life, just the way it is, right now.  I’m going to be happy with who I am and what I have now. 

So at this point in my journey inward I tried on gratitude, really tried it on.  And felt how, yes, I have a really good life.  And I do.  I have a lot of really wonderful things in my life, and I put them there.  And I sunk into really enjoying those good things I have.  It felt so good!

And then something clicked, I really have everything I need to be happy.  All these thoughts of “sacrifice” or “going without” are really just looking at things from the wrong perspective.  The questions I need to be asking are “how can I fully enjoy this life, just as it is?” and “how can I get the most enjoyment out of this life without spending any money?”  It’s not hard when I start thinking this way.

The greatest obstacles to my full expression of my power are not external.  It’s not really even a matter of studying, though that’s some of it.  It’s mostly resolving these lifelong internal conflicts, clearing my energy pathways to allow the energy to flow.

Gratitude. Really being with the good things I have in my life.

Gratitude lets go of future-thinking, forgiveness lets go of past-thinking, and then there is just here and now.  Which is great.

Who says 2016 sucked? It sure hasn’t for me.  This year has been my best yet.  Personally, things are really great with my little family at home and my life is good now.  There were some choppy parts earlier in the year, but really even that wasn’t too bad, it was mostly me worrying too much. Things have been good.

The earth is experiencing a massive spiritual awakening, creating all kinds of turmoil but also opening up all kinds of amazing possibilities.  I’m grateful for the awakening energy and the changes it’s bringing about.  Things are getting better and humanity will experience awakening like never before. 

Yes, those who refuse to accept or who are resistant will experience suffering. But if you look, you’ll see in most cases these people were creating massive suffering and energetic oppression in the world.  Now they have to deal with their own energetic attitude adjustment – that’s a good thing.

I’m grateful for my own awakening powers. 2016 was the year my gifts came into my awareness and I set forth on my alchemy path.  Which brought me here.

So thank you 2016.  This is the best year so far, with many more amazing years to follow.

Observations as I Slow Down and Look Inward

I haven’t been posting.  The message I keep getting is to slow down and disengage from the unhealthy habits.  To keep slowing down and centering and allowing my energy to transform – that the work is being done for me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m failing at this seemingly simple task.  But that actually goes to show that, first, it’s not a simple task at all; second, bringing awareness to how I’m not slowing down and centering is bringing me closer to my goal; and third, this is where I’m supposed to be.

It doesn’t seem like an exciting way to transform, but this is actually a very intense transformation process, precisely because it’s not about “doing something.”  I’m weaning myself off the social media, internet news and similar energy leaks.  And it’s hard.  And my “not doing” is making this challenge more acute.  Which is the whole point.  The phone and computer is a distraction that keeps me disconnected from my higher self. 

And I am making progress, head-on.  It’s challenging because I’m not giving myself another out – my slowing down means more time and energy going inside and really being with myself.  Which makes the urge to distract myself that much stronger.  And at the same time I’m accessing my phone and internet less and less.  Which means more energy connecting inside.

And connecting inside brings up a lot of anxiety.  I haven’t been sleeping well and it’s interrupted. Shouldn’t I be feeling more centered instead of less? Because I’m actually being with myself and finally being with these anxieties.  So it feels like it’s getting worse, but it’s actually getting better – it’s just that I wasn’t letting myself face all of my internal stress.

Other distractions come up – fear of missing out (FOMO), illusions around my “not doing enough,” worries about my lack of writing and lack of production with Destin, worries about work, worries about money.  But this is all what’s meant to be.  When I’m not distracting myself, this is what comes up.  I have anxieties and values conflicts that need to be faced and released.  And that takes time and a commitment to returning to center, again and again. 

And through this process, things are coming up.  Here are some realizations I’m experiencing through this process:

1.       Loneliness and disconnection are what happen when I value expectations and beliefs above what’s true in my heart. This time of quiet and alone has helped me understand my past behavior and what was going on.  I was never alone or rejected – I was choosing disconnected association for ego over genuine connection, which was always in front of me.  The reason I wasn’t in with the “cool kids” was because I just didn’t feel connected to them – my energy didn’t resonate and I didn’t find those associations fulfilling.  But I listened to that anxious voice telling me I needed to be cool, and be with the cool kids, instead of listening to my heart and being with people I enjoyed hanging out with.  Later in life I valued meaningless connections that I thought served ego need, instead of just enjoying connections. 

2.       It is even more difficult to find center when outside things go the way I want than when they don’t.  When big events turn out the way I want, it’s difficult to let go of those feel-good emotions and triggers.  I want more.  When things don’t go the way I want, I feel bad for a little while, but then quickly move on – who wants to feel bad?  But the external feel-good is actually a ruse.  It’s keeping me from moving through my internal stuff and raise my real energy, which is the real feel-good.

3.       Facebook actually feeds disconnection.  Real friendships don’t exist on Facebook.  It’s good for keeping in contact with people spread out through space and time, but it also replaces real connection.  It fools me into thinking I’m keeping up with my friends when I’m further away.  It reinforces the anxiety-driven value of staying vaguely connected with many people I don’t really care about over a few real friendships. 

4.       When I fully embraced being alone, I found my real friends.  I didn’t want to, but I listened to my higher self and pulled away from the BS “friendships.”  I went all the way alone and still.  And I learned to live with that feeling of loneliness that would come up, and all the ego-driven emotions that come up along with that. Then I found myself organically connecting with my real friends.  I even found better friendships with my real Facebook “friends,” because I was actually connection.  I wasn’t trying to do anything, I just wasn’t afraid of being alone and then my truth emerged.

5.       My critics and attackers are shadow.  Yes, even those physically in front of my face.  I’ve defined myself lately by my enemies.  And yes, there are people who stand opposed to me, or at least make it clear they don’t like me.  And they’re real, they’re people.  But the attacks, and my reactions, are pure imagination.  It’s shadow. This is a liberating realization, my enemies are shadow.

6.       Not every negative reaction is shadow.  This flies in the face of New-Age spiritual teaching that says any negative reaction is bad – it’s judgment, it’s anger, it’s my issues coming up.  Sometimes that’s true.  And other times it’s something deeper, that reaction is a manifestation of my truth.  There are a lot of people with a lot of followers who are completely full of shit.  There are a lot of people who are toxic.  There are practices that are fraught with spiritual issues.  The difference is I’m learning I don’t have to react – I can pull back and observe, just wait for the Karmic wheel to turn.  And sure enough, the people and things I’ve strongly disliked turned out to be bad.  Almost always that feeling of revulsion or extreme irritation is completely justified.  Now I just wait and see.

7.       There’s a little voice inside me, saying “I should be doing that.  What am I not doing that?”  And that little voice is always wrong, 100% of the time.  Usually this comes up when #6 comes up.  I get a strong negative feeling toward someone or something.  Then I think “oh, that must be my shadow,” and “oh look, this person is doing this and that, and I think I want to do those things, too.  Then the circle completes itself and I realize my initial negative reaction was actually the right one all along.  As I move more into stillness, my ability to separate ego reactions from energetic reactions becomes better and will eliminate these conflicts.

8.       The voice of my heart’s desire is quiet and its express is very simple.  My heart doesn’t want much.  This bothers my ego, but that’s a cue to go deeper into stillness, not to ignore my heart because I feel I need to “do something.”

9.       My powers get stronger the less I “doing.” I’m actually accomplishing much more by “doing” less. 

10.   I’ve needed to pay better attention to my body.  Things like gut yeast and issues related to years of accumulated stress hadn’t been addressed as I was distracted by “doing things.”  Cleaning out the gut yeast and cortisol and moving toward a more balanced internal system has been good and long overdue. 

Owning My Spiritual Gifts

One of My New Bracelets - Tigers Eye and Labradorite

 

I have been away for a while, as my desire to be silent has been stronger than my desire to keep posting new stuff.  During this time, I have had some success at kicking my caffeine addiction and getting my adrenal system in balance, and apart from that bringing my energy in, learning to listen and not react.

I even found some new jewelry that I’ve been making myself.  By fortunate accident, my jade bracelet exploded from an energy burst and I had to replace the elastic string.  As I bought the string, I also bought some other beads and began fashioning some bracelets that are pretty powerful (and look good, too).  All this while being quiet and generally being off the grid.

Then something very interesting came up.  A friend who is very spiritually gifted (but not spiritually grounded) was recounting how she recently discovered her once-beloved ashram was in fact a cult – and how she’s separating and healing from both this realization and the trauma she endured while living there.  When I read her account, I wasn’t at all surprised.  It was my energy reading of the “ashram” from the beginning. 

But the thing is I knew this place was dark and full of entanglements from the very first time I became aware of it.  I’d get invitations to go and that vision would come up.  But then I’d push those visions away – oh, people like Destin and Rion who went there are so spiritually advanced, surely they must know more than me.  If they see it as good, my vision must be a distortion.  Maybe it’s jealousy or something in me. 

But the visions kept coming.  My wife, who is unaware of her own energetic gifts but whose energy is totally clean and grounded, couldn’t be at the same table as my friend.  (I got a similar bad vibe, but I’m more used to being around people with powerful energy that is off, so it doesn’t usually trigger me.)  She sensed the entanglements distorting my friend’s strong energy and wanted nothing to do with that mess.  And again, I pushed these energetic warning signs down, I didn’t say anything (I wanted to SOOOOO many times after that day, but doubted myself too much).  Again I assumed, Destin is good, he is advanced, it must be okay.

Now I see things in a different light that makes sense.  It’s not that I’m right and Destin is wrong, it’s that we’re both right, but my interpretation was distorted.  This is the biggest problem with my gifts – I can see and sense things, but my interpretations become distorted because I don’t believe enough in myself to bring out my gifts and speak them clearly.  Too much fear and doubt.

But I was 100% right.  The “ashram” was a cult, the energy was dark and full of spiritual entanglements.  Yes, they’re powerful, but badly misusing their power and engaging in mind control and abuse.  These are NOT good people.  And the spiritual entanglements had infected my friend very deeply, to the point that her energy field was actually a bit dangerous.

I wasn’t ready to say anything then.  I hadn’t done the work to get to the level where I could understand and give voice to my intuition with conviction, much less be able to do anything about it.  (And what good is it to tell someone “your energy is fucked and that ashram you love is an evil cult,” and then walk away like your job is done?  That’s like a doctor saying “you have cancer,” and then leaving his patient to their own devices.

So I kept quiet and eventually heeded my calling to begin my work.  Then the truth comes out in black and white – everything I knew to be true was revealed to be true.  All of it. 

And for me this is my message – I’m ready now.  I’m getting much better at articulating my energetic sense and I can resolve things energetically.  I understand how things work now, my conflicts have finally been resolved.

I get it.  Yes, Destin is a good man, and a powerful man.  But he is not me.  He is not interested in keeping his energy clean.  He actually likes the rush of getting into spiritual entanglements, and he’s attracted to women with spiritual issues.  He likes to surf the dark side.  It’s not that he’s morally compromised, he just likes the thrill and the edge.  He wants to try everything.  Me?  No.  I want to keep my energy clean and use it to help others. 

And this explains a lot.  It explains why I’m energetically repulsed by a lot of people in Destin’s tribe, while feeling good about Destin’s energy.  He’s attracted to the bad energy, but he doesn’t embody it. Maybe his wide variety of experiences has immunized him to some extent.  It explains why he’d be head over heels for someone who looks beautiful but whose energy would make me nauseous.  We’re both right, but because our paths are different, our reactions are different too.  He enjoys the polarity, and I’m physically repulsed by that bad energy (something that’s served me well but which I didn’t understand).

It explains why I am drawn to Rion’s powers while at the same time very skeptical of his judgment and not so anxious to follow him when he goes down a rabbit hole. I heard the stories from Etienne about how much shit he had to clear out after Rion’s trip to the ashram, and I’m sure he acquired some crap from his latest Tantra certification, too.

The message here is to trust my sense and further hone my ability to clearly and accurately explain it. It’s clear I have something special to offer and the world really needs this vision and clarity.  It also makes me more committed to create my own spiritual temple, to show the world what an energetically clean and uplifting temple looks like.