Sure Beats Letting the World Make Me Angry

 

Changing up my routine this week has been NICE! Let’s see how long I can keep this vibe going. 

Sexy Beats Musings

 

It’s noonish on a Saturday and I’m chilling on the couch listening to some sexy beats music I found on some of Destin Gerek’s Spotify playlists.  It’s a yummy vibe, vibrating in my chest and solar plexus.  Using deep, slow, measured breathing.  How long has it been since I really connected with my breathing?  Or my body?  Or presence?  Or felt the desire to just sit and be and write whatever thoughts and feelings come up?

Years.  It feels like years.

Years of having to focus on doing things for others – for my kids growing up, for my wife adjusting to living in a new country, for my financial security.  And recovery.

My adventurous heart still beats.  I bought a house in Pensacola, Florida and for the past year and a half I’ve been living a Jimmy Buffett escape lifestyle for a week to ten days every month.  It’s been expensive, taken a lot of time and energy, and life-changing, soul-opening. 

And it’s led to other things.  What else new and “out there” can I try, for me?  And what else?  Who is this guy who has been under wraps for so long, doing what needs to be done, taking care of things and living a confined life?

I rediscovered my love for fishing during the pandemic.  Then I massively expanded that love into a new adventure in Florida, living my best fishing/beach life ever.  I got to third degree black belt Taekwondo and then thought “what am I doing this for?” and took a huge step back.  Doing things just to do them or “because it’s good for me” doesn’t fit anymore.  Something’s changed in me and the routine doesn’t work.  Doing nothing feels better.

Doing nothing ain’t bad if you do it right.  Bring a little intention into it and that nothing becomes something.  Bring a little more of myself into that conscious nothing and suddenly I have a cool, chill lifestyle. 

And that brings me here.  Sitting on the couch, listening to some cool, sexy beats and just writing whatever shit comes out.  I’m not bored, just chill.  Not thinking about other things or what I should be doing, just chilling and letting it out, not thinking about what it means or trying to make it into something.

In fact I’m going deep into the not giving a shit about any of that.  Fuck trying to build anything or so something meaningful, I’m just sitting here chilling and writing about nothing and loving it.  I’m done complaining about California like I have no control over the situation.  I made my decision, the rest of the world can do whatever the fuck it wants, I don’t have to give a shit.  And right now, for once, I don’t, and it feels awesome.

I want to go deeper into this chill “not giving a shit,” let go of the angry, reactive anti-energy and just let go of giving a shit about anything, for me.  Let all that bullshit crumble and fall into the sea.  And we’ll see where this goes.

I feel a spiritual connection and a desire to further my practice, but embodied and natural, not the forced, formulaic shit.

Why is it I’m so much more deeply expressive on this blog, but the other one is mostly a picture blog?  It’s not bad, it’s just not a place where I express much in writing.  Do I still need this duality of expression?  Does that serve me?

Maybe I unconsciously feel like the “fish stories” are beneath the level of expression here?  But the Pensacola house experience and the “fish stories” have been life-altering and a spiritual awakening.  Maybe I need to stop being small in my expression and bring it all back home here, that the little Wordpress blog with little audience no longer really serves me?

I want to get really funky.  There are things out there that I was either afraid to try or which didn’t feel like me and now I see and feel myself enjoying that reality.  I want to get “out there,” get a little lost and maybe find a new home, find more of myself.