The Empty House Vision

I have this recurring dream/ vision that I’m in a completely empty house.  There’s not a piece of furniture or anything else in it.  It’s spotless – clean, the air is crystal clear, the temperature is a steady, moderate temperature everywhere.  And there is nobody there, nothing there, just an empty building.

Sometimes a guide brings me there and then she leaves.  The last time there was a guide, she looked like the Thai singer Palmy.  Sometimes I just show up.

Outside is an empty desert – just nothing.  Not hot, not cold, just open and empty.

I get the message that I can create whatever I want, but I don’t know how.  How do I generate what I want from nothingness?  So I feel stuck there, like I’m trapped in a void.  It feels empty, lonely.

The slate is clean, my life is whatever I want to make of it and I can’t make a damn thing.  And there’s nothing there.  And the feeling of emptiness seems to go on forever.

So all the bad stuff is gone, but then there’s nothing but me and I’m alone.

Shouldn’t I know how to create something from nothing?  Shouldn’t I be able to draw from the infinite power of the universe?  But there’s just nothing.

And there’s no backstory.  Am I dead?  Was I transported there? Did something happen?  Where is everyone else? 

That is a big worry of mine, that everything I’m doing will end up being for nothing, that this is all a big waste of time in the end.  It gets to the heart of my lack of belief in some of the spiritual aspects I’m engaged in – what if in the end it’s all bullshit?

I can’t shake that, this feeling of limbo. I do these things, I test them to be accurate, and I still worry that it’s all bullshit.

I test:  my spiritual pursuits are all bullshit – false.

My spiritual pursuits are true and accurate – true.

My doubts are valid and real – true.

So I really am in some state of limbo – I’m drawn to a certain pursuit, but I don’t see the point and can’t bring my physical and emotional self to align and accept this as reality.  The dualistic spiritual concept I grew up with is false, but the alternative seems like some lame science fiction novel.  

Things are happening that point to some higher spiritual path, but right now it just feels empty and lonely and a big waste of time.

I haven’t broken through to the physical and emotional levels yet.  I’m still working through internal conflicts and feel kind of lost.

So I guess the empty house is really where I’m at right now.  I’ve cleared out the falsehoods but have yet to receive the truth.  This is not a fun place to be.

Gotta Keep Rising Above the California Douchebaggery

It's a Douchefest, but Still Have a Mission

I was drawn to buy some Libyan Desert Glass and it arrived yesterday.  After a day of cleansing, attuning and activating it opened up yesterday.  Since then my energy has been difficult to deal with.  Last night I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep.  The energy of the crystal is intense and it’s calling me to do something, but there’s clearly some resistance in me.  Right now it’s just a lot of confusion and inner conflict. 

This is likely related to the external conflicts Etienne is talking about that are getting crazy.  But something else is going on, too.  The energies in Los Angeles are the worst I’ve ever seen.  Energies in California are bad, and I really notice it when I go to the mountains and then come into contact with Californians or return to LA.

I was in Tahoe and when I was alone, energies were good. The minute I come into contact with people from the San Francisco Bay area I feel the crap energy and it almost makes me want to puke.  I go to Hollywood and the energies are insufferable – how do people live in this total crap?

I can’t wait to get to Thailand and be away from this shit for a while.  Los Angeles has gone from annoying to just horrible.  Really, California, what the fuck is wrong with you assholes??

This can’t sustain like this.  I feel like the crystal is calling me to do something to fight against this energy, but what? I’m tired of fighting this tide of crap that is California society.  At this point I feel like if this stupid state wants to suck, let it burn itself to the ground, fuck these people.  They’re a bunch of douchebags I don’t vibe with at all and I feel like they’re my energetic enemies.  Just protect my family and fuck everyone else.

That’s me being in a bit of a dark place.  I just can’t shake my disgust for Californians, or at least the huge majority of these motherfuckers. 

And as I’m drawing more from the new crystal, I’m finding it’s giving me the fortitude to keep going and rise above the energetic crap instead of letting it get me down.  Yes, California is a mess.  Yes, most Californians are a mess.  And – none of that has to get me down in any way.  The real problem was I was losing strength.  I build it back and feel better, much better.  And ready to do what I need to do instead of fighting.

There are definitely some major things going on and a lot of negative energy flowing through the area. That’s why it’s all the more important to give myself time and space to heal and take care of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It’s tempting to disengage and just say “fuck it all,” but that just means I need to put more attention on my personal well-being the little things.

Because I am here.  And I need to be here doing my work, regardless of what’s going on around me.  I need to find ways to rise above it.  Yes, California sucks, and I have to let it suck and keep doing my work.  The non-douchebags are counting on me.  Even if there are only a handful of them in a sea of garbage around here.

I've Been Hiding

I’ve been hiding.  I’ve been hiding my true message, my true feelings, because that message isn’t always consistent or appropriate and my feelings aren’t always good. 

I’ve been hiding because I’ve been afraid – afraid some petty people who are prone to dislike me no matter what I do will pounce on anything I say and try to use it against me.  Afraid I’ll be doxed or publicly attacked because I have thoughts and feelings that don’t fit with the rigid conformist standards of today.

I’ve been hiding because I don’t want my “stuff” to interfere with my message, to get it the way of me just enjoying my life.  I don’t want others to be hurt because, God forbid, I might be hurting.  Or angry.  Or sad.  Maybe I don’t see the world the way others do and I don’t want to be attacked and suffer more because my thoughts offend.

I’ve been hiding because, maybe if I speak up, nobody will want to listen, and I’ll find out people really don’t care. 

I’ve been hiding and it hasn’t made me feel safe.  It hasn’t made me feel better.  It just leaves me feeling angry, stifled, hurting, alone and bored.

The anger is from letting these things fester.  I don’t like feeling this way.  I need to release and writing is my release.  It’s time to let things out – stop worrying that I’m whining or being too personal, or that my haters will turn my words against me.  Fuck that.  I need this.

Everyone has their way and this self-imposed writers block is utter bullshit. 

To my haters, fuck you. Really, fuck you.  You’re the most pathetic, petty, worthless people I’ve ever known.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I was ever close to people like you and couldn’t see your true self.  But anyone who goes through the trouble you do to try and make someone else a little unhappy is pathetic beyond help.  Really and truly pathetic. 

The person sharing their feelings and thoughts isn’t the bad person.  The petty person trying to shut that person down at every turn – THAT’S the bad person.  Everyone has thoughts and feelings.  Good people know how to mind their own fucking business.  The bad people?  Well, that would be you haters.  So… enjoy wasting your time reading what I have to say and thinking whatever small, negative, petty loserific thing you want to think in that petty pea brain of yours.  There’s not a damn thing you can do about it, so if you want to waste the life God gave you following me around, it’s not my problem anymore. 

But I do see you.  I know you’re there.  And we both know you’re completely pathetic no matter how you try to justify this in your mind.  (And what’s going on in YOUR mind?  Maybe you should share with someone…?)

That feels good.  I need to get this out. 

I still feel this need to qualify my experience by sandwiching it between positive things, and I need to drop that, too.  I don’t need to say “My life is good, but…” I’m the one who lives this life – if it’s good enough for me, I don’t need to explain that to the rest of the world.

And no, saying I feel sad, or angry, or bored, or lonely, or confused, or empty or whatever doesn’t take away from the alchemy and magic I do.  If anything, it helps – there’s actually a real, normal human being in here living a normal life, and he’s far from perfect.  And yet I have some gifts I can use, there’s no contradiction here. 

I have been hiding a lot.  Maybe I’m afraid if I say I don’t feel great all the time I’ll disappoint my mentors and followers.  But so fucking what?  It’s not anyone’s fault I have flaws and thoughts and feelings.  I never hired anyone to make my life perfect, or really even make it better.  That’s entirely up to me.  I came looking for skills.  Some things worked, some didn’t.  Okay.  And I say what I think about all that.  But in the end, I’m still a human being with the range of thoughts and feelings and experiences. No amount of mentoring or whatever is going to change that.

But this expression here doesn’t feel like me.  It feels like, well, someone hiding.  Someone looking over his shoulder.  Someone laying low, lest anyone find out he’s actually human. 

And I think I owe you the reader an apology for that.  I haven’t been authentic.  I haven’t been open.  I had my reasons, but in the end you and I both deserve better.  This is my way of sharing.  I need this.  And you’re here because you need this, too.

I’m a man, standing on my own feet, full of flaws, full of feelings that go this way and that.  And full of light.  I look at my crystals I love so much and every one of them is flawed.  They are all jagged, have cracks and imperfections. It’s what makes them beautiful and powerful.  A fully perfect crystal is… fake.  Anything that comes from the earth, that comes from nature, is by definition imperfect. 

So this is me, opening up.  Coming out of hiding.  Facing the possibility of attacks from haters and everything else.  Because I just can’t keep quiet.  I need to write, I need to share.  Even if I’m the only one reading this. I need to put this out there.

I can’t hide anymore. 

Premonition: Calamity?

I had a very vivid and disturbing dream the other night that I confirmed is a vision.  It was rather shocking, so I’m disclosing it to get the information out. There is further information to follow.

In the dream, people were reporting their friends a loved ones dying in alarming numbers, probably three fourths of the population I could see was dead from some disease.  Many of those still alive were suffering under delusions that their loved ones were alive, but I knew they had perished.  I saw no point in telling them the truth and they wouldn’t listen anyway.

Apparently there was some meeting going on where the survivors were talking and trying to assess the situation. It appeared that the authorities had no control over anything, probably because they were decimated beyond the ability to function.  So total chaos and anarchy and massive depopulation.

I looked outside and this wall of black fog with thick white lightning in it was moving across the land and heading toward me.  I had this feeling that there was nothing that could be done at this point and I didn’t know if there would be anyone left (or anything left to live for if there were any survivors). 

That’s when I woke up.

I was compelled to meditate, clear my energy, and discuss the situation with the archetypes.  I confirmed that, yes this was a vision, not my own crazy dream. 

But I got some more news – yes, it was a vision.  Yes, it was a scene of things to come.  And, by sharing this vision with the archetypes, I had altered the timeline so that this outcome was no longer inevitable. 

I went to sleep again and had another vision – this one of people who had survived the calamity.  They were very happy.  There were fewer people and things were kind of a mess, but there was also a lot more freedom and massive prosperity, massive abundance.  And it was like a giant weight had been lifted off everyone’s shoulders.  I didn’t get the sense people were mourning, so either most people made it out okay or those who were lost weren’t worth mourning. 

I confirmed this was also a vision, and accurate.

So what I’m coming away with is that a massive change event is either taking place or will be taking place.  One possible timeline – near or complete destruction of all life – has been averted.  But the transformation is coming.  It will be a massive shift in economics, society and government.  There will likely still be pretty substantial physical destruction, but when it’s done people won’t mind. 

The end result will be a massive freedom – it’ll be euphoric.  The current structures that impose on us will be gone.  The internal social conditionings that cause so much constraint and misery will be gone.  There will be abundance everywhere, a destruction of attachments and limits, and an explosion of genuine widespread happiness.

I get the sense some people will perish, but they will be the ones hopelessly attached to the oppressive, limiting, unhappy paradigm we currently live in.  So not only will they not be missed, but I get the sense the rest of the world will be extremely happy to see them and everything they stand for expunged from the earth.  There will be very little if any collateral damage or innocent lives taken, it will be a very quick and precise act, and the change will be like being magically transported to another world.

The changes will not only be external but internal – we will change. Our perspective, thought patterns, attachments, patterns and habits will change.  Everything will change.

And it’s going to happen soon. 

So crisis averted, change imminent.