The Crisis of Masculinity, Musings #1: Female "Men's Coaches" Only Make Things Worse

I have a lot to say about this subject.  This will be my "starting point" for a larger discussion.  This is mostly first takes I put down to get the ball rolling.  

There is a crisis in masculinity in our society.  This isn’t a new thing, by the way, it’s been a slowly-evolving crisis that began in the 1960s and has grown to this point today.  Men have lost their grounding, their purpose.  They’ve lost their balls.

Ten years ago we called it the “pussification of Western Society,” but that went out of vogue (ironically) because it was considered politically incorrect – and so the men saying this basically cut of their own balls to appease the complainers and stopped saying it.  And Western Society continued its unabated march toward pussification without any further commentary.

Which is too bad.  A big part of any movement to help men claim their power is going to involve pissing people off.  It’s going to involve being “politically incorrect.”  It’s going to involve calling a pussy a pussy – whether physical or metaphorical. 

Because men reclaiming their masculinity and asserting their power and natural dominant energy is going to involve a certain amount of aggression, pushing back, and fighting against forces that want to keep men down and have grown comfortable with the current dynamic.  It’s not going to be done with the permission and support of women, because some of it is going to come at their expense.  That’s just the nature of the beast.

It doesn’t mean an all-out war against women or a perpetuation of the “battle of the sexes,” but self-assertion, by its nature, means a certain amount of, well, standing up for one’s self.  Against others.  In other words, conflict where one side wins and the other loses, or at least has to back off on your terms.

Men are naturally dominant.  Men are natural leaders.  Men have been shirking their power and responsibilities, which means women have been filling some of this vacuum. Now, a lot of women (most) would be very happy to see their men lead – they’ve been dying for men to finally step up and BE MEN. 

But some women like having that power and are not going to be happy to see men taking back that power.  If men stopped being pussies, these women stand to lose their dominance over men and their comfortable relationships.  Most of those women would likely get dumped.  A lot of women who suck at relationships and get by on male guilt and disempowerment would have to face up to the reality that they’re failing as women.

If men step up and find their power, men will have choice, and they won’t choose second and third-rate women.  That means some women who currently “rule the roost” at home will find themselves bitter and lonely in their older years when their boy toy stops putting up with their crap and takes his balls back.

There are a number of coaches who claim to be supporting men in their empowerment.  I’m skeptical of most of them.  Mostly because they seem to be taking far too much advice and energy from women in their endeavors.  Male empowerment is something men need to do on their own – a woman simply can’t do it for him or show him the way.  A man needs to find that man inside him.  A woman might know it when she sees it in a man, she’s going to be useless in helping a man find it.

Worse, she’s going to be a weakening influence on the coach.  He’s going to be looking over his shoulder to make sure he’s not offending the female point of view.  He’s going to be listening to some (at best) useless or (at worst) downright harmful advice. 

The measurement of a man’s connection with his masculinity is not in the approval of women.  Or of other men, for that matter.  This seeking approval is a big cause of the pussification in the first place.  More of the problem won’t lead to a solution.

Some aspects of a man’s connection with his natural masculinity will resonate strongly with women.  But not all of it.  If a man is grounded in his masculine energy, there are some things that will piss women off.  There are some things that will be a turn-off.  Overall, male-female relationships will be better and the attraction will be stronger, but it won’t be the way women want things to be.

A strong, powerful man takes up space, physically and energetically.  He’s grounded and sure in himself.  Which means he doesn’t need you and isn’t going to go along with what you want just to accommodate you or earn your approval.  In fact, your approval means little or nothing to him – he will place a much higher value on his approval and judgment than yours.  As he should – a man whose grounded and sure of himself will trust his judgment above all others.  It’s one of the hallmarks of masculinity (and of being sure of oneself, by definition). 

This means others are not going to get their way over him.  It doesn’t mean he’ll be an ogre – he’ll likely be very reasonable and consider many points of view (as other points of view don’t threaten him).  Women will likely find their man’s interest in a variety of viewpoints very threatening, since he’ll place as much weight on a stranger’s opinion as hers, assuming it’s a reasonable argument.   Women will also find grounded men frustrating because he’ll have no problem crossing her, and feel zero regret in doing so – he’s that solid in himself as a man.

What’s the difference between a man whose grounded, solid, reliable, trustworthy – and one whose stubborn, strong-headed, insensitive, and selfish?  Whether or not she agrees with his decisions.  But who gives a fuck if she agrees?  A good man, a man who is solid and grounded and truly embodies his masculinity, is going to do things women in his life don’t agree with.  If a woman doesn’t feel her man is “sometimes stubborn and disagreeable, generally good but sometimes insensitive,” he’s not in his full masculine.

This is why women teaching men to be masculine is dangerous.  No way will that woman encourage him to go all the way – that would be such a threat to her own power it would be unthinkable. 

I mean really – why would a woman WANT to coach men to be more masculine?  Think about it.  Does she want men to truly stand in their power and go their own way, often against her own best interests?  Of course not.  She wants men to be JUST POWERFUL ENOUGH to be “attractive enough,” and maybe (if she’s lucky) to sidetrack the men who might be truly on their path – confuse them just enough to keep them disempowered just enough. 

Nobody wants you to be truly powerful.  Well, that’s not true, but certainly no coach whose taking your money (because you might put him out of a job, or take his pick of women if you were truly in your power) and no woman you don’t know.  Maybe your sister has your back, if she’s *really* cool.  MAYBE.

A female “men’s coach” has NO REAL INTEREST in helping men be men.  It is something a man has to do on his own – with some help from other men.

There is a reason fathers are the ones who historically initiated their sons into manhood.  Because they’re the only men who love their sons enough to be willing to seem them become MORE POWERFUL than them – and who know what masculinity is.  You think even your male “coach” wants to see you overtake his power?  Of course not, he wants you to be good enough to PROMOTE HIM, but ALWAYS UNDER HIM. 

“Please, take my clients and steal my women” – said by no coach ever.  But if you REALLY WANT to fully embody your masculinity, you have to adopt some of that attitude, that “I’m going to eat your lunch and make you watch” kind of attitude.  Not that you’ll go around being a dick to people, but you have that power and aren’t afraid to use it.  And sometimes you do.

Trust me, I’ve seen these coaches pull this on their OWN STUDENTS.  EVERY coach.  He’s either taken some student’s woman or proven to himself he could.  He knows that client is his little bitch.  You think that client is EVER going to step into his masculinity under that coach?

No.  But listen to the song “Wrapped Around Your Finger” by the Police.  There’s a twist at the end.  If you’re going to step into your full masculinity, you need to be prepared to go ALL the way and be the master.  Which means at some point you’ll have to separate from any coach and go the final steps yourself.  (And hopefully be gracious enough not to do to him what you know he’d have done to you – though he’d have it coming.)

And female coaches don’t even want that much for you.

Coaching will only get you some of the way.  It’s up to you to take it from there. 

But I want to go back to the whole “female men’s coach.”  I’ve always been very skeptical of the kind of women who sign up for this.  And the more I’ve looked around, the more assured I am that my initial skepticism was correct.  There’s something inherently fucked up about women who seek out men to coach, especially to “be more masculine.”  And every one of the women I’ve seen who are in that business are… odd.  Putting it gently.

I can always tell when a men’s program has jumped the shark – it’s when they start hiring women.

Again, men, you want to find your balls, don’t seek out the woman whose seeking out men without balls.  (I’ll give you a minute.)

The big part of the problem for men who are lacking masculinity is they’ve already spent too much time around women.  Many were raised by single moms.  Others had a wussy father figure.  Others spent entirely too much time around women and didn’t have male friends growing up.  The last thing men like this need is MORE FEMALE ADVICE. 

So again, men, if you’re looking to deepen your masculinity, make this YOUR journey. Coaches are fine as GUIDES (but way overused and becoming the new first-world status symbol), but in the end it’s your life and your work – start stepping up, take your balls in your hand, and DO THE FUCKING WORK YOURSELF.  Stop listening to women’s advice.  For God’s sake, DON’T hire a female coach (or use a coaching service that employs female coaches) to teach you “how to be a man.”  If you’re doing these things – STOP!  You’re wasting time and money.  Take ownership of your own life, stand on your own feet and STOP trying to figure out what women and other people want you to do – that’s what got you in this mess to begin with.

Bottom line, if you want to stop being a pussy, the first step is to stop listening to pussies.  Politically correct?  Yep.  And spot on, and you know it.