Nearing the Top of the Hill

My life has felt like I’ve been pushing the ball uphill for a very long time.  But now I’m sensing I’m at (or at least very near) the top of that hill.  Things are starting to make sense and come together in new ways.

For a few months now I’ve been consciously going in, slowing down my life, meditating a lot more, and doing much less. I didn’t know why I was being asked by my higher self to do this, but I did.  It didn’t make sense, I felt a lot of resistance, but I kept going in, kept slowing down.

Eventually I found myself “re-discovering” things I’d forgotten for a long time.  Things like Natural Grounding and Quigong.  And then more things started shifting and making sense.  It seems that in my effort to change parts of myself that needed to grow, I’d also abandoned other parts of me that are important to my core being.  And in the quiet and reflection, I found them again.

Maybe I thought these core principles were holding me back, or the cause of my unhappiness.  But without them, I was incomplete and just “not myself.”  And maybe I had to lose myself to find myself, maybe I had to throw away those things and go through this journey in order to appreciate them.

And it’s not like everything in my life during this journey of about the last about twenty years (around the time I first went off-track and “lost myself”) has been for nothing.  I’ve brought a lot of amazing things into my life.  Yes, a lot of mistakes and a lot of what seemed like wasted effort, but also good things.  When I slowed down, the things that are really important to me seem to come to me, I don’t have to try. 

Granted, I can look back at the mistakes and shake my head.  There were plenty.  And others weren’t really mistakes so much as me trying on different outfits.  But looking back now, those were not good looks for me.  Still, the me before all that wasn’t all that hot, either.  Somehow I’ve grown and kept going and become better.

And yes, that personal journey influences who I am as a healer and alchemist.  It shapes who I am as a coach.  I’ve found I’m getting very good at cutting to the heart of the matter with other people’s problems and offering valuable insight.  My energetic work is more aligned and effective now.  I’ve made peace with places in my own life where I’d been badly out of integrity, and somehow I’ve found my way home again, overall better off for the experience.

And at this point I’m realizing that taking a long time to just be quiet and still, to meditate and reflect, can be the best way to transform a life for the better.  Sometimes all that “doing” just leads us in circles, while if we remain still, the path opens up easily for us.

Returning to Natural Grounding and Quigong

My meditation and energetic cultivation "routine" had been thrown off a bit over the past couple years.  Which needed to happen, the old routine was becoming unhelpful. And over those two years I cultivated a whole new set of energetic practices, focused on meditation, alchemy and crystal energy.

But I'd lost connection with some really valuable resources, particularly Natural Grounding.  Maybe I thought I didn't need it, or watching videos was too difficult given my schedule.  At any rate, I reconnected with these resources and they're more powerful than ever.  I can bring the alchemy and crystal energy resources in with my "old practice" and create something better than ever.

Things that felt "stuck," that wouldn't clear out easily with stillness meditation, vaporized.  My energy feels much clearer and more connected to purpose.  The video above is a powerhouse resource, but I've also been having great results with Buachompoo Ford.



And I'd completely forgotten about these incredible Quigong videos - simple exercises that generate INCREDIBLE amounts of chi energy. I started practicing these and saw MAJOR changes in my energy.

I was going into this year feeling like it was a slog.  My energy during the holidays was choppy and ungrounded.  The beginning of this year was very busy at work and it seemed like all this free time I've had recently was going to waste.  I was making some progress, but also feeling stuck, tired and irritated. 

Now, after a week of these resource, I feel like that energetic shit has been flushed out and I'm back in a nice, calm, centered place.  The alchemy and crystal energy work is much more effective now.  Stillness meditation doesn't feel like a struggle to avoid being distracted, but connection to stillness.

It feels like I've finally shaken off the energetic hangover from the end of 2016, when there were huge energetic events one after the other, and fully integrated that new energy and those shifts.  And more than I have in quite a while.  I'm going to add these back to my energetic and alchemy work.

Slowing Down: Keep Meditating, Keep Breathing

I’ve been very quiet, with very little blogging activity and even less activity writing outside of this blog.  Apart from being very busy with work and family holiday activities, I’ve been quiet off the blog, too.  I’m going with the flow of the season – quiet, slow, going inward.  This has been the continuation of the trend that began last year of slowing down and going inward.

In my mind it’s felt anything but slow and quiet – all kinds of thoughts and emotions coming up, unprocessed feelings, memories, long-standing internal conflicts.  All the while I continued meditating, continued slowing down.  It felt like nothing was happening – I’m meditating more, why do I feel LESS centered?  Why is all this stuff coming up?

And so I’d work through the stuff and keep going inward. 

Then I’d think about how I’m not getting anywhere with this.  I still feel stress, I still have sleepless nights, I still replay things or worry.  I’m supposed to be finding stillness and I’m sitting here feeling distracted.

And I’d keep going.  Keep meditating.  Often it would feel like a waste because I’d sit the whole time and never still my thoughts, spend the whole time thinking of things.

And still I’d keep going inward.

And I started thinking about all I’m missing out by going inward.  I’m not doing stuff, I’m wasting my life.  I’m becoming a bit of a shut-in and a loner.  I thought about the writing I wasn’t doing, the activities I wasn’t doing, the people I wasn’t meeting, the coaching practice I haven’t done anything with lately. 

And I’d keep sitting and meditating, focusing on my breath. 

I’d keep waking up in the middle of the night and struggling to fall back asleep.  I’d keep finding myself fighting to avoid reaching for the smartphone.  And I’d think “shouldn’t I be better at this?”  With all the resources, the things I’ve learned and done, shouldn’t I be making Jedi progress during this time instead of slogging through?

And I’d keep meditating, keep breathing.

Oh and the thoughts – do I really want to keep writing for Destin?  Why am I stuck on my writing for so long?  Why does it feel like I’m backsliding?  Why am I always worrying about money and what I can’t do because I have to sacrifice right now?

And… I’d keep meditating.  Keep breathing.

Keep thinking I’m getting nowhere but I’m going to keep doing this anyhow. And for months, nothing would happen. Well, things happened, a lot of things.  But stillness and peace weren’t among those things.  I started thinking back to times two years ago and four years ago when I was just in this place of awesome stillness. What happened?  Where did it go?  How do I get that back?  Why is this so hard when I’m spending so much time meditating.

And I’d keep meditating.  Keep breathing. 

For weeks it felt like banging my head against a wall, or worse.  I was distracted by current events and past drama.  I was acting reactively.  Yet things were okay.  Mostly I was calm and peaceful and enjoying my simple life.  I just didn’t have that Zen feeling anymore.  But I was actually doing okay overall.  I was aware of my habits I wanted to change and I was actually pretty happy with my simple, quiet life, even if I felt guilty and ashamed of it at times, that Fear of Missing Out.

And I kept meditating, kept breathing.

And things started opening up slightly.  I felt moments of that old Zen feeling.  Then longer moments. And now it feels like it’s shifted back and I’m connected with that old Zen self again. 

Other things changed too.  I began studying Thai again – it’s been so long I just wouldn’t do anything.  Now it feels good. 

And I keep meditating, keep breathing.

I see this year starting off as a continuation of last year – that is to say, a bit of a slog.  This will be a year of living simply, but one where that simple life will pay off with massive progress toward my big goals. The year will begin with a lot of work and sacrifice, but open up at the end.

And the struggle with thoughts and feelings is all part of it.  By slowing down I’m actually allowing these thoughts and feelings to surface so I can process, instead of running or distracting myself from them.  I’m not doing things, I’m specifically not doing.  And this allows me to really look at what it is I’ve been doing and decide if it’s worthwhile. 

And a lot of what I’ve been doing isn’t worthwhile.  It isn’t me.  And by “doing things” I’m missing out on far more than if I do nothing.

It’s a big reset button.  If all I do is focus my energy on being a good dad and husband, doing my job well, and stillness, I’ll be accomplishing more than ever have.  Anything I add to this will be coming from the heart, consciously chosen.  Or I could spend the year meditating in my free time and deepening my relationship to stillness and not add anything.  Maybe that alone is enough. 

So the journey inward continues.  I feel there is a lot of gold here and I’ll emerge a better man.  And maybe those things I used to think were so important to say, to publish, to “add value,” maybe those things were getting in the way of my true value.  Maybe this silence is the best way I can serve right now.

And so I keep meditating, keep breathing.