Going Deeper Into Meditation and Inner Awkening

I spent a lot of time this weekend just resting.  I meditated for quite a long time both days – something I really haven’t been doing up to now.  Normally it’s been small meditations, at most 15 minutes.  But there’s something different about meditating for an hour.  The mind goes through cycles and I came out very relaxed.

And so I spent a good part of both days – meditation, take a break, meditate more, sleep if it called me, meditate.  I really needed that.  In fact I need a whole lot more. 

I have a magnetic ball that’s been installed under me, connected to three people at the moment.  And wow, I’ve never felt so grounded.  It’s powerful. 

This journey inward is pretty intense – there’s a lot of resistance, a lot of story coming up.  Fear of missing out – FOMO.  It was a weekend of letting go of the need to do something, the feeling of boredom and distraction, and relaxing in.  I’m craving a transformation, and my archetype kept saying the transformation has happened, just let go of the old habits and be with it.

I felt sad, I felt lonely, I felt a lot of things come up from my past.  And my archetype kept saying, connect with what is.  This is your time to let the old go.  Everything else – every feeling of disconnect or fear – is a matter of shifting state, not changing anything inside.  I already have the resources, just need to learn to better manage the energy levels. 

I felt openings – love, acceptance.  And relaxation.  And also sleepiness, which was nice.  My body could finally relax and accept nourishment. 

It’s not like I resolved anything, but I found a better way and began the process of unloading all this accumulated stress and energetic oppression I’ve been carrying.  I feel much more open and relaxed in my chest and breathing.  I feel more centered and grounded.

Things are coming up in my dreams, too.  Lots of resistance coming up.  Representations of old patterns that don’t work anymore – they show up as “losers” squatting in my space.  And they fight back – but it’s interesting, I’m willing to call them out for the losers that they are and challenge their violence toward me.  So things are shifting.

And now it’s time to go very deep into this grounding and centering.  I need to clear a LOT more out.  I’ve been a ball of stress, and under that is someone who is very tired.  I need to clear out everything, and it’s going to take some time.  And I need to heal and restore.  I’ve been holding it together and distracting myself for a very long time.  That’s over now. 

All of the distractions, FOMO, the need to “do something,” these have all been coping mechanisms for me to keep going as I have been.  But then I wonder why it takes so little to set me off – it’s because I haven’t actually been releasing and resolving things. 

Ever since I began this journey I’ve only gone deep enough into meditation to feel open enough.  Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot, and I’ve been able to do some amazing things with that level of grounding and centering.  But I haven’t fully cleared out and healed.  Boredom and distraction are still powerful resistances that I haven’t fully resolved.

Also I believe my energy was not at a level where deep meditation would resolve things.  Things are different now.  I wasn’t sure how I would go about integrating the new changes, but deepening my meditation practice makes perfect sense.  I have made (or made the decisions that led to) many changes energetically.  And yes, this makes meditation more accessible and more transformative.

I keep getting the message there isn’t anything to do, it’s a matter of slowing down and getting to know what is.  The more I let go of the stories and illusions, the better everything is and the more real change can happen.  I really need to relax and trust the process. 

Part of me – the story – keeps thinking of all the things I have to do, it worries and thinks I’m not doing enough.  The other part of me – the inner part I find in meditation – doesn’t care about doing, it moves slowly and takes long pauses.  And it seems to get more done more effectively.  Less really is more.  But it’s not enough to experience this in one place, I need to experience this everywhere in my being – to do less, rest more, meditate more, go inside and then take action from that power.  Do a few things well instead of many things poorly.