Infinite Generations and Insights of a New Grandfather

 

I am a new grandfather.  Or new as of three months now.  I have a beautiful little grandson, who is adorable.

It’s an interesting feeling.  It’s not the weird craziness I see from other grandparents, but it’s a profound feeling.  And it changes my perspective, much the same way parenting changed my perspective, but in much different ways.

Parenting felt like trying to grow up while helping my children grow up and so many other life things that happened along with it.  Including everything that would fall under personal growth/evolution/spiritual journey.  Everything in this blog would fall under that umbrella. 

Being a grandpa feels more Zen.  If parenting is the cycle of activity and moment-to-moment, grandparenting is taking a step back and seeing a much broader perspective.  It’s the intersection of the past and the future in front of me, and it brings up a lot of thoughts, emotions and insight.

These past few years have been a time of going more inward in my growth path, and wondering if it’s even really a growth path at all.  The recurring feeling is regret – releasing a lot of regret, making peace with my mistakes.  I’ve given up “letting go” and it’s “letting be,” which means allowing things to be as they are, including my feelings of regret.  Because I want to make better use of the time I still have on this earth, instead of mourning the time that’s gone.

And this new experience puts that process in a different light.  On the one hand, I regret my past marriages, especially the first one.  They were horrible decisions. 

And in the case of the first one, anyone looking at it who is objective would see it was a complete mismatch in every way.  Dating her and keeping that going was a huge mistake, marrying her an even bigger one, and the whole sham of a life I created to bridge the obvious mismatch was stupid and dumb.  I settled into a city I never liked (and still don’t), and even sought public office in a place I never wanted to be in.  The whole thing was just weird, bizarre, stupid and wrong.  When I finally woke up from this delusion and left the marriage, I felt vertigo as the false reality completely burned away (because it was nothing but paper mache).  It took me a long time to figure out what that vertigo/panic was, but I understand now.  I tried to fight my way out of reality but in the end reality and destiny won.

And in the end, I got rid of a joke of a marriage with someone who was a complete mismatch but I had this great kid.  And he grew up to be a really awesome young man who is doing pretty well in his own life and has really interesting thoughts and dreams of his own.  So from delusion and regret came life, love and beauty. 

And for me, a generation of life experiences and my own growth path.

Now that young man has a baby of his own.  My grandson.  And here I am, integrating the regret and “WTF?” of my past while realizing that this is my lineage. 

I am looking forward and back at the same time, from a distance.  It’s pretty cool.  My life path isn’t finished.  There is still work and growth for me.  And yet, there are now two generations of “me” following my life.  My lineage will continue long after I’m gone.

And I can see the paradox, that life is both infinitely precious and infinitely insignificant.  I am ultimately this imperceptible part of the infinite chain of life.  And yet I’m also indispensable.  Without me, the chain ends.  The endless string of life following me is dependent on my existence, which is nothing in the grand universe.  We are everything and nothing simultaneously, and I’m holding that living proof of the paradox of life in my hands.

Like I said, it’s pretty Zen.

It makes me realize a lot of the “personal growth” stuff is stupid and meaningless, and at the same time profoundly important.  We strive to create a life of significance, and yet each individual life is insignificant on the individual level.  And yet infinitely precious when extended over time. 

So what insight do I glean from this?  First, most of the work we do to “make a mark” in the world is meaningless bullshit.  Make a life that’s happy for you, take care of the next generation and find your peace.  Simple is better.  Because in the end, that’s all there is. 

I wish I had done more fishing instead of trying to “make a home” in this crappy city, and running for school board.  So, do more fishing now.  I don’t regret the “self-improvement” stuff that actually made my life more enjoyable.  An enjoyable life (not a hedonistic life focused on temporal pleasure) is the foundation of generational growth.  I got that part right with my second son.

But don’t worry about work, apart from how it can bring enjoyment to your life.  The universe isn’t going to give a shit about your career.  Hell, YOU won’t give a shit about your career 18 months after you retire.  Most of the efforts to achieve in school and get the plum job are a waste of effort (unless it’s something you really enjoy).  Your great-great-great grandkids won’t give a shit, but they’ll be glad if you were happy.

What matters in the end is what contributes to the flow of life, the future souls’ journey. You can fuck up pretty good and still make a profound contribution, and you can work hard and do all the right things and have your life add up to nothing in the end.  Are you growing and nurturing the river of life or are you taking from it?  Or are you doing neither and just drying up in the sun?

When you look at life from that bigger perspective, that’s when the true nature of the ego and the infinite mind come into perspective.  Our ego-based lives are utterly meaningless.  They’re not even a grain of sand on the beach.  All the things the ego values mean nothing and are reduced to nothing almost instantly in the greater scheme of time.  Yet our lives, our souls, our contribution to the flow of life, is infinite and we are integral and interconnected.

We are nothing, yet everything.  And in the nothing is the everything.  And stepping back to see the generations unfolding behind me and in front of me gives me the physical, visual, experiential proof of this reality.  Individually, our lives are nothing and we are all one.  And all is nothing, and nothing is all.