Men's Improvement: The Addiction of "Wanting to Be The Best In Bed."

I thought about not posting this.  I was afraid of the negative response I’d receive – from people I know, from the usual neener critics in my life.  But I have something to say. It may be edgy and controversial, it may elicit some drama from critics and people whose sacred oxes I gore.  But upon reflection, I feel that’s all the more reason to say what’s on my mind.  Having this space and constraining myself because the response might be inconvenient defeats the purpose of being here in the first place. I’m not here just to create controversy, but if something controversial or edgy needs to be said, I need to say it.  So have at it, critics…

There’s nothing wrong with mediocre sex.  The problem is being a mediocre person and staying in mediocre relationships.

I realize what I just said there is blasphemy in the SexTantaWeirdo communities, but it’s the absolute truth, so let me repeat.  There is NOTHING WRONG with mediocre sex.  In fact, in the overall scheme of things it’s a GOOD THING.

Let me explain.  The huge majority of connections you’re going to have in your life are going to be “average.”  The reality is human nature really does follow a bell curve, and most interactions are going to fall into that huge “middle of the curve” bell.  And that includes sexual connections.  Most people are not an amazing connection, just average. 

Now your average might look different than other people’s, but there’s still an average.  You’ll have some encounters that are amazing; you’ll have some that are just not good; and you’ll have some that are fun but basically… okay.  And that’s actually a good thing.  Every encounter shouldn’t be off the charts, that’s actually kind of a messed up goal and will take you to messed up places.

The SexTantraWeirdos are, well, after careful observation I’d say really fucked up, egocentric and psychologically disturbed dudes.  They’re, as far as I can see, mostly losers in life who have attached this ridiculous significance to “being the best sex she’s ever had to every woman I meet.”  And what do they have to show for it?  An oversized ego obsessed with sex, massive insecurity that oozes out everywhere, no money or in debt, and an abundance of fucked up drama relationships.

Like, UNBELEIVABLY. FUCKED. UP. Relationships.  The kind that make “mediocre” look awesome by comparison.

So they’ve constructed lives where they’re good in bed and shitty at life.  This is NOT a healthy lifestyle.

Also, and this is the really odd counterintuitive, many of these guys really suck at meeting new women and interacting like normal human beings. You’d think men who were gods in bed and put so much attention on this area would actually be pretty good at meeting new women, but a lot of them really suck at it.   Or they’ve created weird Tantra-quasi-prostitution circles.  It’s pretty fucked up.

Look, here’s the thing.  If you’re an insecure guy whose life has pretty much sucked as long as he’s been alive, then cultivating the ability to make women feel AMAZINGLY good in bed is going to sound like the magic ticket out of Loserville.  And it does feel really good, from an ego standpoint.  Maybe too good.

But in the long run it’s foolish and destructive.  Obsessing over this aspect of life will not get you out of Loserville.  The best you’ll get is a 30-year mortgage on a penthouse suite in a nicer area of Loserville.  Maybe you can aspire to being Mayor someday.  You’ll have pretty high status among the residents or Loserville.  But at the end of the day, there’s going to be a moment of reflection when you have to acknowledge your life is a fucking joke.  And at that point, you might not be able to get yourself out.

Being a really good lover is awesome.  Maxing out that skillset on every single woman you meet – not smart.  Making it your goal in life to be the *absolute best lover* for every woman you ever meet – really dumb.

Think of it this way.  You learn a martial art.  You get really good and now you have this great skill.  Hopefully you integrate that skill to create a fuller life with more strength and confidence.  Because if your goal was to use your power to kick the ass of everyone who ever did or does you wrong, or running around trying to prove you are the most alpha fighter in the world (and we know people like this, right?), your life is going to suck, perhaps permanently so.

Most people kind of intuitively know obsessing over one thing in life is not healthy, but the temptation to obsess over sexual performance for men is a powerful drug.  You get that “high” from doing that, and it’s hard to maintain a balanced perspective.  Especially if you’re a man who hasn’t had any taste of success in other areas of life.  Men need to feel they’re good at something, and feeling he’s good at making women feel good… feels really good for a man.  And if he hasn’t had experiences of feeling good about himself up to that point, it’ll be addictive.

I’ve noticed the men who fell into that obsession earned a reputation for “being good,” and were surrounded by some of the shittiest relationships and psycho women I’ve ever seen in my life.  They’re so obsessed with not being normal that they have no idea what a normal, healthy relationship looks like.  (They’re actually quite nice, really.)

I realize this runs counter to men’s ego, but it’s better to dial back a little at first and gauge her energy.  See if you and she are compatible first.  In most cases, you won’t be that compatible – it’ll be kind of “meh” – so why would you want to try to make her obsessed with you?  There can only be two reasons – one, you’re so insecure you need validation from everyone, even people you don’t like that much or two, you’re so insecure about finding another sex partner you have to invest all your energy into making *this* one *the best* even if deep down she isn’t really what you want, because deep down you fear it could be the last sexual relationship you’ll ever have.

In either case THAT’S REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP. 

If you and she are an “average” connection, then mediocre sex is fine.  Really. You two have fun for a while and then move on without much hard feelings.  She should be allowed to forget about you and you should have enough maturity and confidence in yourself to let her forget, if she’s not someone you want to remember.  And you should also have enough maturity and confidence to NOT SETTLE out of fear or low self-esteem.

Being able to dial it back, be cool, and let her go is a sign of confidence and maturity.  And in the long run it’ll actually make you a better lover.  In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best move a guy can learn if he want to be really good in bed is learning when it’s not working well and letting women go with grace.  Moving on is a very important and largely underdeveloped skillset.  Obsessing over “being the best” will get you typecast as, well, that weirdo who is obsessed about being the best in bed.  It reeks of insecurity and it’ll severely limit your life in a lot of ways.

Plus, it feels a lot more natural to offer something really special when the connection is really special.  Things work a lot better, and you have a strong attachment with someone you actually enjoy being with, instead of one of these psycho one-sided attachments.

Let me put a finer point on this – INTENTIONALLY trying to be the BEST.LOVER. EVER.  with women you don’t feel the same way about – it’s selfish and abusive.  It’s not “giving,” it’s taking.  It’s YOU putting your EGO ahead of someone else’s feelings.  It’s manipulative and deceitful.  It’s fucking uncool.  And if you’re the guy who constructs his life to be that guy who NEEDS to be HER BEST, no matter what, it’s going to come out.  And guess what?  You’ll be surrounded by women who are the same – they just want to use you for their own benefit.  (Or women you’ve turned into psycho stalkers out of your abusive ego needs – congratulations, asshole.)

And some guys will say – SWEET! Yah, immature, selfish, short-sighted boys will say that.  And guys stuck in Loserville who never grow up and never make anything out of their lives.

If you’re a man who wants to get better at sex, you might initially look up to those men who are “every woman’s best,” but eventually you’ll reach a level in your life where you’ll see those “men” for the pathetic men-children they are.  They’re not strong men worthy of respect, and at some point you’ll realize you have a lot more going for you than they do and kick yourself for ever looking up to these guys. 

Now look, for a lot of men (most men) “mediocre sex” is all they know.  And that’s not okay.  You want to get good at this and step up in life.  It’s part of being a quality man.  PART OF, not ALL OF.

What I’m saying here is, yes, learn the skills.  It’s good for you.  But be aware of the ego trap.  

Addictions come in many forms, and this one can be particularly difficult to overcome.  A good sex life is an important part of a good life, but it is only part.  It is not the foundation, and it is certainly not the main or only aspect of a good life.  Notice where the ego wants to draw you into obsession and imbalance, or where you’re using one aspect of life to compensate for deficiencies in other aspects.  Balance and perspective are essential to living a good, happy life. 

For Men: Life Coaching Sucks. All of It (Yes, Including "Natural Grounding")

I haven’t written much lately because I’m coming to a point of realization and it’s causing me to challenge many of my beliefs that I’ve been espousing here. 

If you’ve followed this blog, you’ll see where I started pumping up certain coaches and modalities and then letting them go as I realized what I thought they were doing wasn’t matching reality.

So let me tell you where I’m at now in my process.  In general, coaching is a crutch and an escape route for people.  Coaches can help you learn and get better, absolutely.  I’m learning martial arts and would be nowhere without a competent master.  I learned to ski from coaches.  Coaches are essential for learning to play music, can be very helpful in learning languages, many things.

They’re good for specific things.  You want to do this, find someone good at that who can teach you.

For general living and personal well-being, they’re beyond worthless.  If you don’t like your life and want to continue living in a world of self-delusion going nowhere, a life coach is great for that. 

I have been around Destin Gerek’s Embodied Man’s Program since its inception and watched a lot of guys go through.  I haven’t really seen anyone do much apart from feel-good with it.  A couple guys have reported better dating lives.  A few others started doing basically the same shit Destin is doing – leading seminars and worthless “coaching” endeavors.  I can’t even bring myself to pretend to be happy for them, because I’m not.  To me it seems like a pathetic escape from reality. 

So all this energy and effort and time and money is basically going into a self-feeding energy loop.  Except for a couple guys who managed to get a few more dates from the bargain.  That’s a whole lot of effort for very little gain.  Objectively, it just isn’t working. 

That’s what had me say “no more” to the coaching side.  But that isn’t what had me walk away from all of it.  A group of guys who want to get better and who really aren’t making much tangible progress isn’t that unusual and has some value.  It’s when the group went into to “elevating the conversation” for feminist bullshit crap that I not only don’t care about but in many cases openly oppose, that’s when I left.  That and when Destin started bringing women into the men’s group.

Yah, that last part pisses me off more than I’ve realized.  I invested a lot into helping Destin with this thing.  I’m fine with coaching that doesn’t really work for most guys – at some point people need to find their own way and maybe it’ll be a catalyst for introspection and real change (that was the case for me) so it’s not a total loss.  But turning the men’s group fucking CO-ED?  FUCK YOU!!  Yah, I feel wronged.  I wasted a lot of time in my life on this shit and I want that time back, that’s how I feel about the whole co-ed bullshit.

A co-ed men’s group, what a joke.  He must have got that awesome idea from his dickless friend from OneTaste (a group whose sole purpose is to finger clits- I kid you not, and it’s even more creepy and lame than the description would suggest) who runs that idiotic “New Masculine” forum on Facebook.  Great. You can both go fuck off.

So yah, I’m a little pissed off.  Not because the coaching turned out to be mostly a waste of time (that’s a learning experience), but that he wasted my time supporting something I never would have helped him with had I known where he was going with it.  That’s the part it’s hard for me to get over.  I feel wronged.

That brings me to “Natural Grounding” and the whole “natural dating” thing. Let me tell you right now – this is coming from personal experience and watching hundreds of other guys try and fail with this shit – these “Natural Game” coaching programs DON’T WORK for about 99% of men.  And let’s just average up and say it’s not going to work for you, either.

No, watching videos, meditating to videos, connecting to the energy of videos won’t do jack shit to elevate your sorry dating life.  If your dating life is already good and you want to clean up your energy to get to the next level, THEN it can MAYBE have SOME positive effect.  But in general, the stuff Rion and Brent Smith and these other guys are teaching isn’t what they did to become successful at dating (because they’re leaving out all the many, many, many other things they did that got them to a high level BEFORE they started doing what they’re currently teaching) and it’s sure as hell not going to work for you.

Bottom line, if you’re not already naturally successful with dating and women – as in, if women aren’t already approaching you and you’re naturally comfortable around women and being sexual – these “natural game” programs WILL. NOT. DO. A. DAMN. THING. FOR. YOU.  EXCEPT. WASTE. YOUR. TIME.

If you aren’t naturally attractive to women and have a pretty rich dating life, you need to focus on THAT.  And that means DOING SOMETHING.  Get out and talk to women, that’s the alpha and omega of improving your dating life.  Duh.  Do that until it doesn’t feel uncomfortable.  Throw in going to the gym, eating right and getting in shape.  If you are broke, get a fucking job, pay your fucking bills and start living a life that isn’t a fucking embarrassment. 

DO THAT.  DO NOT WATCH PALMY VIDEOS.  Not only will they not help you, they will keep you from facing the things you don’t like about yourself and actually improving your life.  They’re a fucking NARCOTIC, and that’s the last thing you need if you want to better yourself.

Let’s examine the various places men go to try and improve.  There is the Pick Up Community (PUA).  The success rate of men who sign up for boot camps is about 20%.  Not great, but better than the placebo effect.  As far as I can tell, the success rate of things like Embodied Man’s Program is somewhere around 5% - basically the placebo effect.  And since that community tends to engage in a lot of magical thinking about supplements, astrology, economics and conspiracy theories, I think most of them are okay with a placebo.  I’m not.  I hope you’re not.  Because a placebo won’t fix what’s ailing you.

The success rate of “Natural Game” and Natural Grounding videos is about 1% - LESS than the placebo effect.  That’s BAD, as in you have to TRY to be this ineffective.  Guys are trying and just not getting anywhere.  But they keep coming back because meditating to videos makes you FEEL GOOD.  Yes,  they do.  I guess technically that “feel good” is “elevating your energy,” but it’s basically a worthless opioid.  I mean, if you are just fooling around on your downtime it’s better than mindless Internet surfing, or porn.  So there’s that.  But as far as actually resolving the problem you came in to get fixed, it won’t do shit.  You’d be better off learning pantomime or how to play the moonshine jug.  Watching Korean girl group videos in the hopes of improving your dating life is on par with dirt collecting and knitting Christmas socks from the dust bunnies under you bed and posting your hobby updates on YouTube in the hopes of somehow landing a hot girlfriend.  Paying someone to teach you how to “properly” watch said Korean videos is, by definition, a waste of time and money.  (And wasting time and money, contrary to popular belief, does NOT make you more attractive to women.)

And the guys who get somewhere were already getting somewhere or did something else.  Bottom line, the stuff doesn’t work. 

Guys need to be wary of success stories for any of these coaching modalities.  First, listen to see if the men are getting actual tangible results or if it’s feel-good BS.  And if they’re getting results, is it because they actually changed or simply because they were forced to get off their ass and, you know, TALK to WOMEN?  Again, if paying big bucks to force yourself to do something uncomfortable is what it takes, fine, but know that’s what is going on – the coaching is pretty meaningless in the end, it’s the magic feather.

And are these guys just coming off a seminar high or is this long-term success?  Then you get to the real truth of it.  Real success is what you do every day.  You want to change, you change what you do.  Period.  Coaching won’t help.  And watching Korean girl videos damn well won’t help.

What about “Inner Game?”  Things that help eliminate limiting beliefs and make you feel better about yourself do help, but only if you’re actually doing something.  They’re like the pain killer after a tough workout, but without the side effects.  They work IF you do the WORK.  Just like drinking protein if you don’t work out won’t build muscle, it’ll just make you fat.  Inner Game is the SUPPLEMENT, but it’s still up to you to do the REAL WORK.

The huge majority of men don’t need a pick-up coach, or an “Embodied Man’s Program,” and they sure as hell don’t need to be watching videos and talking about watching videos and listening to affirmation meditations.  The huge majority of men just need to fucking do the things they’re afraid to do.  Talk to women.  Get in shape.  Get their career and finances in order.

Getting “eye contact” and “signs of interest” from women is not a measurement of success.  TALKING TO WOMEN and ACTUALLY HAVING CONNECTIONS is a measurement of success.  So fucking STOP watching videos that entrain you to sit on your ass and imagine that eye contact fucking means something and actually FUCKING COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS!!

Am I saying body language and non-verbal communication doesn’t matter?  Of course not.  It’s possible to date in foreign countries with very little spoken language ability.  It’s also not rocket science, you already know how to do this.  And watching K-Pop videos WILL. NOT. HELP.  It will give you a false sense that you’re “doing something” when you’re DOING NOTHING.  Which is the worst thing you can do if you’re trying to get better in life.

Natural Grounding and Natural Game is a waste of time.  There, I said it.  Does that mean there’s no value in anything Rion is doing?  No.  I personally get a lot from energy work, crystal meditation and some of the other things he does.  But I also realize that crystal/ energy/ meditation “work” is a HOBBY.  I enjoy doing it because I enjoy doing it, not because I expect that by doing it I’m going to find some magical pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow.  Because it’s NOT THERE. A rainbow is an illusion – the path you are looking for is here on Earth, right under your feet, not in the sky or on some screen.

That’s right.  Buy all the crystals you want, do all the energy work you want, meditate until the cows come home.  You will have cleaner energy.  You will (assuming you enjoy what you’re doing) feel better.  You’ll be more present and relaxed.  All good things.  And if you think any of that is going to get you something else that’s not in front of you, YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME. It’ll help you feel better about yourself and where you are at, which is not a small thing, but that’s probably not why you showed up in the first place.  Be mindful of your intentions and progress and it’ll be easy to see what is and isn’t working.

You want to date more women?  Don’t talk to rocks, TALK TO WOMEN.  You want to get in better shape?  Exercise and eat better.  Meditation can help.  So will regular sleep.  Watching blue screens of Palmy and SNSD will NOT HELP – in fact all scientific evidence says those screens will dramatically REDUCE your health.  So if you’re spending less time on the smartphone and more time looking at rocks, you’re ahead of the game.  But you could substitute a million other hobbies that are about as effective. **Except women are interested in crystals, so showing off your “high-energy crystal collection” will probably be a lot more effective than asking her to check out your stamp collection. (And if she DOES come home to look at your stamp collection, take that as the obvious buy-in signal that it is and for God’s sake don’t ACTUALLY pull out your stamp collection.)

I guess where I’m going with all this is, after seeing myself and so many other men flail around with these worthless coaching modalities, I’ve come to the conclusion that most men use these things to either avoid doing things that would cause them to face their fears, to brag about the success they were already having (almost all the guys “having success” with these things fall into that category), or to distract themselves from some pretty acute pain in their regular lives.  (That last one isn’t such a bad thing, really – if wasting time watching videos and talking to other guys about that, or listening to puff phrases about “walking your path” helps you to distance yourself from the pain in your life that isn’t as bad as it seems, that’s actually a really good thing.)

They’re illusions.  If you look at the founders, those men found their success in other ways than what they’re teaching.  And “success” for them probably looks a whole lot different than success for you.  Fantasy isn’t helping you and changing the fantasy channel won’t work any better.  Only real-world experience will change things.  That’s hard.  It’s scary.  And you’ll screw up a lot before it gets better.  Watching videos and doing guided meditations helps you feel better, and maybe it’s good as a break after a hard day of trying to change your life, but only real work in the real world will ever change anything.  You only have 24 hours in a day, don’t waste them on coaches.

I’ll write another article about what actually works for men to better their lives.